I realized just a second ago that the reason that I find it hard to blog is this...
I was reminded that people actually, you know, read it.
By typing up the blog I did last week, and angering a friend to the point of her basically kicking me out of her life, I realized that I'm not just talking to myself.
When I blog, I blog to keep memories alive or get things that are plagueing me out in the open...
I don't want to keep some things inside; it takes too much energy and I'm so out of practice that I honestly don't think that I can do it...
I'm used to being open and honest and letting my feelings out, and I do it so freely now that I don't realize how it could reflect on me, and how people could percieve the openness and honesty as a bad thing.
I blog for me - to keep my sanity - and forget that I actually have a few readers.
As a result of this, I lost someone.
It makes sense, but I don't think it should hinder my release process.
Maybe I should just be more aware of the things that I say and do, like I declared to do at the beginning of this year (and obviously it isn't going very well because I fire off at the mouth and write angering things).
Also, I feel like the desire to write has left me.
I've tried going back and editing the novel that I hammered out in November, and honestly I'm embarassed by it.
The whole point to editing is to get rid of the embarassing story points/plot holes, but I think there are so many of these that by the time I'm finished there wont' be much left.
I feel that I should just give up on this novel, and go on to the next one.
Then I think about how half of my life is based on half-assing it, and that I should just go ahead and edit the damn novel; it can only take a month or so to edit the second draft, right??
On another note, I'm freaking out about my life plan.
Everytime I figure it out, someone says something to make me lose the excitement that I had about figuring it out.
I went from being excited to scared shitless in a matter of two days.
I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it.
All I know is that I need to keep pushing forward, and seek guidance soon so that I can keep the momentum going.
Highlight(s) of the day:
- Getting to finally change into my pajamas, and wearing the fuzziest pair of sponge bob square pants pajama pants ever.
- Andy come over for our "study party," and us chatting with my sister while actually studying. Genius.
- Finding out that I work tomorrow instead of having it off. Bummer : /
Okay, I think that's it for today.