6/23/2010

Anxiety Levels

For those of you who don't know, I'm a fairly anxious person, and I worry all of the time.
I worry about what I will look like before I leave the house, and what I look like once the inevitable eyeliner-smearing takes place.
I worry about whether or not I'm going to get my job at work finished on time, and whether or not it will stay clean. I have actually taken to checking three or four times on aisles that I've already cleaned because I want them to look nice.
I worry about finding someone to marry and start a family with. On top of that, I worry that I won't marry the right person and that it will end up in divorce, like my parents and so many others out there.
I worry about whether or not I will look like an idiot when I dance.
I worry about losing loved ones.
I worry about the fact that my bellybutton won't heal.
I worry about the effects of telling people that I'm interested in them. What if they don't like me? That's when I tell myself that the worst that can happen is complete rejection. But why would they reject me?
I worry about whether or not a shirt looks just right on me, and hides my stomach well enough.
See? Constant worrier.

On top of all of this worry, I've added dieting and losing weight.
I've started applying the weight watchers point system to my daily routine.
I'm only on day two, and am FREAKING OUT.
Like, how do I balance my points? I only get a certain amount, so do I want to eat a six point breakfast or wait to have a six point dinner? What are lower point foods that I can eat without going over? How am I going to handle the upcoming family fourth of july party? Will I ever figure this out?
I actually am figuring it out. After going up to 23 points (and over, actually), I discovered that I'm supposed to only get 22.
I'm finding foods that are lower in points that I can eat and not feel guilty about.
Like, for example, 17 pretzels equals one point. Two fig neutons equal two points. Lettuce? Zero points. Dressing? 1 point. Carrots? 0; guess who will start eating a ton more of those gross vegitables?
The point system, I have learned, definitely depends upon the servings you eat. It's all about portion control, which I actually struggle with. I like eating whatever I want at odd times of the day, and this "diet" thing is getting in the way. Maybe THIS is why I'm kind of a lot overweight.
I'm sure the anxiety about eating what and when for how many points will end soon, but until then... Let the freak out commence!

To give you a small update:
I haven't shipped my Chemistry book yet, but mom was nice enough to print the shipping labels for me. I should ship it tomorrow.
I'm out of makeup and should run to wal mart for some before I laze about tomorrow.
I've played some of Animal Crossing, and it's actually fun. I did, however, get stung by bees four times earlier tonight, so that was a bummer.
Still need to go to Gamestop and trade games in/buy PS3 games. I don't TOUCH my PS3, which is sad. Sad day for Kimbra.
I FINALLY got "Becoming Jane" through Netflix, which I am entirely too excited about watching.
I haven't touched my novel-in-progress for a week or so. Need to, because the ideas are still swarming within my head.
I need to reread "Paper Towns," "Eclipse," and "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." AND READ "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader." And watch "Avatar the Last Airbender."
Speaking of watching cartoons, Rachel and I are in the second season of "Gargoyles." I would totally be watching it right now if she were awake. Like Kingdom Hearts, it's something that we're doing together so that we have some quality time.

Annd I suppose that's all.
Sorry about the semi-negative blog.
I'll try to bring more sunshine, rainbows and positivity to the next one.

<3

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