8/27/2010

I Feel

Note: If you don't feel like reading a blog post about things deeper than my day, or with a little whining, don't feel obligated to read. Just click the shiny red X in the top right of your screen.

I feel frustrated. This whole thing with Rachel's boyfriend is bullshit. Because of how he thinks I treated him, their relationship is in jeapordy. That's a ton of crap. I have nothing to do with their relationship, so why should it matter what I say or do or think? Just grow up.
(Edit: They cleared it up.)
I'm frustrated at the family drama going on. One of my cousins is in County, one is pregnant, and mom is bailing the one in County out using Rachel's lawyer money. We can't focus on ourselves because we're too busy taking care of the screw up. We can't get Rachel's charges dismissed because we're too busy bailing this kid who has no interest in changing out of jail.
(Edit: They talked about it, but I don't think she is.)
I'm also still frustrated at what went on at work, even though I should be able to let it go already. It's not the night that is still frustrating, but the situation as a whole.

I feel guilty for getting so frustrated. I should be more understanding and take time to assess the situations put in front of me instead of getting so worked up.

I feel tired. After not many hours of sleep I went to work early and didn't get a nap. I'm trying to switch my hours around for classes, which start in three days.

I feel stupid because that last bit is entirely my fault. I should have slept better. But I got to spend time with someone who I enjoy spending time with, so that doesn't matter.

I feel sad. Nerdfighteria lost a loving, empathetic member of the community earlier in the week, and I'm just now realizing what an amazing person she truly was. She was a cancer patient, but didn't let that bring her down. She stayed strong, was active in the Harry Potter Alliance charity, and was an honest-to-God good person. I just watched one of her vlogs about her feelings as she lived those last few weeks, and she is the inspiration for this blog. May she rest in peace. And Awesome.

I feel worried because I haven't gotten my school books yet. And the first day of school is Monday. I dislike Mondays, and the first day of school, so it's going to be one great day...

I feel relaxed because I'm in my bed with my favorite cat, curled up with a good book and my laptop.

I feel annoyed because I want to film a youtube video but I don't have good software installed on my laptop. And my desk top is out of commission thanks to dad. Blah.

I feel relieved because dad is moving out tomorrow.

I feel loved because dad cooked dinner, and Rachel brought me a plate of food.
I also feel loved because Rachel is nice enough to spend time with me today. We hadn't had a good hang-out day in awhile; I missed this.

I feel like a fat cow because I keep eating all of this fast food. I need to make a conscious effort to eat better, because my diet has gotten far off track.

I feel pretty because I'm squeaky clean, I have glasses that look amazing on me, and my hair is in the in-between space where it's not dry yet, and it's wet enough to look good curly. And I got my toes done, and they're really cute (robin's egg blue with a pretty flower on both big toes).

I feel impressed and liked because Eric was so nice and sweet the other day.

I feel grossed out because the juice from my peas got onto my baked potato, which just shouldn't happen. Apparently corn and peas don't taste good together, either.

I feel weird because I'm letting all of these emotions be viewed by the public, which is honestly something that I try not to do. I don't want to be judged for being human, or have people think I'm crazy for feeling certain ways.

I'm amazed that I can't eat food without getting some of it on my blanket or shirt. This has to be some kind of talent...
I'm also amazed that I didn't turn out to be worse than I am. I mean, the child of an alcoholic and semi-abesent father and a sick mother should be worse off, right? But I'm not, and for that I'm also thankful.

I feel blessed that I feel confident in handling my problems. No matter how large or small a problem is in my life, I can get through it.
I also feel blessed to not have larger problems than I do at the moment... Though tomorrow is another day.
I feel blessed that I have such amazing people in my life. They continue to inspire and awe me every day.

I feel excited for tomorrow night because I get to see my best friend for the first time in two weeks.
I feel excited to meet Rae's baby son, Noah, eventually, and feel my heart melt every time I see pictures of him.

I feel much better now that my head is clear. Even if I end up not posting this blog, typing it out has helped tremendously.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. And I hope that you don't think that I'm a crazy person.

<3

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