9/29/2010

Life Humbles Me

Instead of updating (though I will include something that happened recently), I'm going to take a minute to explain the title.
Or, an entire blog post, which may take longer.

I try to keep my existance pretty low key. I don't draw attention to myself most of the time, with the exception of my youtube videos. I just want to live, do my own thing, be with people I love, do what I absolutely need to do each day, be spontaneous other days, and be lazy when I can. Despite this, life constantly finds ways to remind me that I'm just a person, and that it can be pretty difficult.

I make mistakes. I will be the first to admit that I am only human, and that I am not the least bit perfect. This doesn't bother me at all; in fact, I rather like it. I've heard that trying to be perfect all of the time is a huge burden and I don't feel the slightest need to bring that upon myself. Also, I believe that the only beings that could /possibly/ be perfect are God and His Son. If perfect is inacheieveable, I don't want to work for it.
It is because of these countless mistakes, however, that I am constantly humbled.

I grew up doing actions and receiving consequences.
Don't do what dad asks you to with no arguements? Screaming, followed by some sort of tantrum on his part.
Throw a block at your sister while playing catch and it hits her in the head? Spanking.
Say a cuss word because you heard daddy say it first? Spanking.
Say a worse cuss word in front of your band director in high school as you pass his office? Stern lecture.
Drive too recklessly while your parent is in the car? Get smacked in the face.
Be a pain-in-the-ass teenager? Get kicked out, only to be welcomed home and lectured a few hours later.
Smack your sister? Get threatened with being kicked out, and being carted away by the police.
Drink too much alcohol in one night? Spend half of the day the next day hunched over a toilet and wondering when you will just die already.
Make poor choices in significant others? Grow up thinking that there is something wrong with you personally, and that no one could possibly like you that much, ever. Feel continuously beaten and battered emotionally because of said poor choices. Walk away from religion and spend years trying to figure out if/when you should go back, or whether or not you want to follow the basic principles that religion had to offer.
Have fluffy hair, glasses and braces at the same time? Get picked on up until Freshman year of high school when all three things disappeared.
Don't get a slip signed by a manager at work? Get a piece of paper saying "hey, you did that wrong" and sign it.
Don't pay attention while you're walking up the stairs? Fall UP said stairs, and bruise your left knee (yes, this happened on Monday on my way to take my first Math test).
Don't choose your words carefully? Arguements will surely ensue, as well as hurt feelings.
(Note: All of the above examples are true, and obviously in some cases I deserved the punishment. In others, I did not.)
(Note 2: I've obviously had time to work through the self-esteem/religious issues that are a direct result of some; I'm okay now.)

That very last example is something that got me in trouble yesterday, and honestly I do not feel that I deserved what happened.
There is a manager at work who is up front, honest, blunt, and doesn't hold back many of her thoughts. In other words: We both have the same problem of not having a filter in our brain.
She was being very negative and rude all night long about little things. She griped about what we needed to get done, our customers, her employees, etc.
After a brief lecture while in our breakroom (I was in the back putting something away, started sending a quick text, was talking to one of the other employees, had a huge headache, was feeling nautious, and needed some water after putting the stuff away; she lectured about how breaks and lunches shouldn't happen after 7:30 and how she needed people on the floor and if you weren't on an actual break and still in the breakroom she will write you up), I asked her to "Please stop taking your frustrations out on us."
Needless to say, she did not like that.
She started retaliating over our walkie-talkies, and I made the mistake of being in the back area still when she went to put something away.
The resulting conversation went more or less like this:
"You know what?" she basically shouted, "you can clock out and go home."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"What? You want your FES to leave in the middle of a shift? Is that what you want?"
"Yes! You have a bad attitude and you need to go home."
Somehow we reached the point of her saying "If you want to stay, put your cell phone away and get to work."
She exited the back, and I went back to the breakroom for a split second before heading back up front to do my job. I should have left, and I wanted to, but that would have reflected badly upon me - when a shift manager sends you home, that is never a good sign to the store manager; they automatically assume that you did something wrong despite your side of the story.
I worked the last two hours with every intention of leaving after I finished counting the registers. The last two hours went decently, and she was nicer than she was the first four.
I was going to do my particular job, and get the Hell out of there and away from this woman. Again, I didn't; that would have reflected poorly on me if I left them hanging.
I helped put scrapbooking go-backs away after I finished, and we all exited the building around 10:30.
(Side note: Mason came over afterward and we had a lovely dinner at IHOP, which made my night so much better. I really like him.)

In this scenario, I could have kept my mouth shut. I should have, probably, in order to avoid what happened. In past experiences, I've learned that keeping your mouth shut doesn't get you into trouble. In this one, I felt that I needed to say something; I can only take so much negativity before I crack. As a result, I was yelled at, which is not okay, but is alright; her fit seemed to pacify her and make her competant enough to do her job and actually care for her employees.

What consequences will result from this? I'm not sure yet. I'll find out today, around 2 p.m. when I go up to work to speak to the store manager. My coworker has already done so, or will do so soon. I've been informed that the shift manager from last night has already made it seem like cell phones were the biggest issue, which is just not the case.
I'm hoping that the store manager will listen to the situation and handle it accordingly. I don't know what he should, or can, do since he's temporary. I will request not to close with her in the future, however, and if he doesn't adhere the request I will ask him to promote someone and I will, eventually, put in my two weeks notice. This job, however much I need it, is not worth being degraded and treated unfairly.

I'm ready to handle anything that happens. All of the punishments and consequences have taught me to expect said punishments and consequences from, really, any action. I've learned to go with the flow and roll with whatever happens. I'll be fine and work with whatever outcome occurs.

Despite the fact that all of these "life lessons" and "humbling experiences" happen, I feel that I'm a better person because of them. I don't resent life, or God (anymore), for handing me these situations. I'm a much better person because of them, and I know that I will come out of this much stronger than going in.

<3

9/26/2010

Since Thursday?

I think the last time I updated was Thursday.
Of course there is really no way to remember everything that happened, but I can try my best to update (as always).

Thursday night at work wasn't too bad. We got the "short two people" problem figured out and got out of there at a reasonable time, so that's good.
Mason came over that night, and after sitting on the couch for awhile we went in search of pommagranates. We went to the neighborhood WalMart, where I got a few groceries, and to the big WalMart, where I think I ended up buying something else. We ran into Ryan (or rather, he ran into us, as I was trying to scan ice cream that refused to scan) and talked to him for a few minutes, which was nice.
After arriving home, we were awake for a bit longer and eventually went to bed.

Friday morning we woke up, said goodbye, and I headed to campus for classes. I went to ALL of my classes (I'm trying very, very hard not to skip PE anymore... even though it's a waste of my time so far), and got to come home earlier than usual. After napping for a couple of hours, I called Mason, got ready, got Rachel to get ready, and the three of us headed out to the Botanic Gardens to see some flowers.
We started at the Japanese Gardens, and got some awesome footage and pictures from there. Then we went to the Cactus Garden, then the Trial Garden, and concluded our adventure within the confines of the Rose Garden. We went down a path that branched off of it, and almost got lost in some woods; we only turned back because of a fallen tree and rather large spider that we didn't feel like battling. It was a nice, great day, and I honestly can't wait for more like this.
On the way home we drove to Kroger, while listening to My Chemical Romance, and bought a few pommagranates.
We arrived home to dinner being ready, and spent the rest of the night hanging around the house. We tried the pommagranates, which actually weren't that bad even though they weren't very ripe. I'm not sure what else we did this night, but I do remember going to bed rather late.

Saturday I woke up rather early, said goodbye to Mason, and was at work by 9 a.m. Our district manager was there, and everyone was annoyingly cheery for 9 in the morning. I eventually became annoyingly cheery once I figured out that 1) we get SUPER COOL BUTTONY BUTTONS THAT TALK to press, and 2) that the customers at work aren't going to be invading our personal space anymore. We have room to give the customers in front of us the attention they deserve, go on breaks when we need to, leave in a split instant to use the restroom or get change or register tape... It's nice. I really like the new setup; it's not nearly as stressful as it was. Now if only I can get my manager to cooperate with me on my availability.
As a side note, I am most likely going to step back down and be a normal sales-floor associate. I dislike not being able to pick and choose what days I work, and being told that I can't have a set schedule because we have to work around the Full-Time FES' schedule. I think that it's bullcrap that I can't pick and choose my hours, and almost everyone else in that store can. If he can work with them, why not me? Anyway, if he isn't willing to work with me, I'll have him promote one of the other girls and step back down. I don't mind being a sales floor associate; I was good at that job, and once I memorize where everything else is I'll be good at it again.
Anyway, so that was work.
On the way home, I stopped in to see Miss Lotus Skye, Hannah's new baby girl. Even though she resembles a slightly wrinkly monkey, she is precious. I got to hold her, and she seemed to like me even though she was fussy. I wasn't there for long before I headed home; I wanted to borrow Hannah's camera to upload pictures of the baby onto Facebook for my great Aunt and send it home with Aunt Mary. I saw Ethan and Owen for a bit, did some homework, ate dinner, fell asleep in a chair, and greeted Mason whenever he arrived. I'm not sure what all we did after he arrived, but I'm sure that it involved something thrilling... Like slaying dragons or something.

Sunday, today, I worked from 10 to 2:30. I didn't want to get out of bed, at all, but when I got to work there were BROWNIES. And a couple of guys did the "Wigalo" dance for me, because I had no idea what it was. That made my day : D
I went through the rest of the shift, and it actually went smoothly. I left around 2:30, came home, changed, and went out shopping. I swung by Bath and Body Works and Lane Bryant, enjoying the amazing weather, before coming home. I ended up passing out on the couch, got a text from John and Mason while I was asleep, and did my very-frustrating Math Practice Test that took me three hours to complete. I got a C on it, but I don't give a crap; that was hard, and I was done. I eventually drove Rachel, Ben and I to Subway for sandwiches, and ended up sitting on the couch thinking of things to write until Mason got here. We ran up to Walgreens for medicine and ice cream for my momma, then came back home. I folded laundry while Rachel, Ben, Mason and I watched some dumb Anime that was centered around boobs and women, and now Mason and I are just kind of hanging out whilst on our respective laptops.

I'm going to go and finish laundry; I have a load in the dryer and a basket full of whites to fold, then I need to transfer the towels from the washer to the dryer, and put away my clothes before I can go to bed. This is going to be fun.

Tomorrow I'm off work, which will be really nice.

I'll update soon : )

<3

9/23/2010

A Few Good Days

There has been way too much going on to talk about in detail, but I'll do my best to update you : )

Sunday I worked the daytime shift, came home, did some homework, and went out with Mason to the park. We spent almost two hours walking, laying on the merry-go-round, swinging and talking. It was a good night, despite a few things that I'm not going to delve into. We ended up going to QT afterward, came home, chilled on my sofa, and went to bed kind of late (as is the usual). He woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, I eventually turned on the light, took down a poster, and we slept with the light on for a couple more hours.

Monday morning went by pretty quickly. I went to most of my classes, skipped PE in order to do math homework, and went to Creative Writing afterward. On the way out I wriggled out of lunch with the guy who asked (I was NOT feeling well, at all; I spent most of the day feeling very sick), and came home to lounge around for a little bit. Mason came over eventually, and after awhile mom got the family together and Ben, Rachel, Mason, mom and I drove to my grandma's house. Mason and I fell asleep eventually, after listening to music, fiddling with his camera, and playing games on my iPod touch. We went to Dairy Queen upon arriving at my grandma's town and spent entirely too much money. We arrived at my grandma's, ate the spectacularly fried food, chatted, recorded more video, and left to go to the river. We recorded more video on the way as we rode in the bed of my uncle's truck, and arrived at the river a minute later. After filming more video and talking with the various family members, I got to ride a sea-do and my bottom half got soaked. We sat out at the river for awhile longer before leaving just before dark and went back to my grandma's. I had the bright idea to climb a hay bale, and we ALL did eventually. I took off running with Mason close behind me, and we all took turns helping each other climb it. Mason and I ended up looking at the stars a little bit after that, and they were beautiful. We all eventually played Dominoes, and Mason and I got decimated by my grandma and Rachel. In all fairness, my grandma is a BEAST at Dominoes, so I didn't hold much hope. Haha. We left around 11, and got home around 1:30. We weren't awake for too much longer after we got home.
Honestly, this day was one of the most perfect days in my mind. I loved the vast majority of it, and can't wait to experience more like it : )

Tuesday was a decent day, though I spent 8 hours at work that day. From 1:30 to 10, I believe. I was excited to finally get to come home after a long day, and Mason came over afterward which was nice.

Wednesday I went to classes, and attended all of them. I know! Way to go, Kimbra! Afterward, I took an hour long nap that made my brain fuzzy for the first hour and a half of work, and had a challenging night. I just didn't want to be there; I wanted to be home, relaxing. We got out of there at 10, and Mason came over when I got home. We sat out here on the couch, watched TV, watched the videos from the other day, he worked on his essay, and I sat on Facebook for awhile. We eventually looked at videos of shofars (musical instrument things) and I got to find out what they sound like. Eventually we went to bed, and slept pretty dang good.

Today I said goodbye to Mason, slept until 12:15, showered, watched crappy daytime TV, tried to edit the videos together again, and talked to Mason throughout the day. I did eat, and should probably go brush my teeth, put on makeup and change for work; I work in thirty minutes, and have to leave in fifteen.
Tonight, Mason is coming over when I get off and there is no tellin' what we'll end up doing.

Tomorrow I have the night off, so after classes Ben, Rachel, Mason and I are going on an adventure.

Saturday I work, and I have no idea about Sunday.

I'm just taking each day at a time, and enjoying life as it comes.
I love my life : )

<3

9/19/2010

Up and Down

The past few days have gone well, yet there have been times when I was overly emotional.

Thursday I did end up studying with Eric, and that was fun. My sister sat out in the living room with us while we talked about the Philosophy behind government and swapped notes. We eventually got tired of doing that, so we put in Street Fighter 4 for the PS3 and played a few rounds (six, to be exact) and he won every single one but one. And he let me have the one round I won. Haha. I returned his game to his possession afterward and hugged him goodbye before coming inside and heading to bed.

Friday morning I woke up bright-and-stinking early for classes. I was surprised that I woke up on my own, because lately I haven't been good at getting out of bed early. Of course, on test days, things rarely go as planned, so I made it to class five minutes early, took out my notes, read them for two minutes, and was told to put my things away since we were starting early. After setting suckers on our desks as she said "Here, sugar makes you smarter!," she handed out our tests and we were ready to begin. I'm sure I did alright on the multiple choice portion; a lot of it was common sense. I killed the "define these terms" portion, did decently on fill in the blank, probably wrote terrible essays, and understood 4/5 of the bonus questions. After taking the test, I texted Eric a quick good luck, talked to him for a minute, then went to the writing lab to do math homework. I got most of the way through one assignment (I have two problems to work through). I went to math afterward, went to PE like a good little girl, and was able to come home after that.

I had the night off, so I did the most amazing thing ever: I slept for two hours on the couch. Despite the fact that my sister was trying to wake me up so that we could catch our movie. Whoops : )
As we were about to leave (after I FINALLY got ready and was happy about the prospect of seeing this movie), my mom got upset. This usually sends little anxious signals throughout my brain, and I tried to talk to her about it, but she didn't want to; she wanted to be upset and distant. So we got into a fight that ended in me sitting on the couch crying, resigned to not going to the movies, and she walking out the door. Five minutes later, I was crying again as she was apologizing. We made up, and we all three left the house at the same time to go our separate directions. Not even a minute after pulling out of the driveway, I was sobbing. Literally sobbing. I could barely drive, and sobbed "nooooo" when Rachel said "Don't you think we should pull over or something? I mean, driving and crying can't be safe. Maybe you should pull over?"
I didn't want to see the movie anymore. I didn't want to do anything. At that moment, I wanted to be in my bed, under the covers, crying my eyes out. I wanted to be alone. But I was driving a car to the movies with my amazing younger sister (who tried her absolute hardest to make me feel better)(and succeeded), so I tried to be more upbeat (for her, mainly). We saw "Easy A" in the theaters, and that was awesome. That movie is cute and funny and it's just... Ugh! So good! I would recommend seeing it.
I danced a little to the music at the end of the movie as we walked out of the theater, we came home for about an hour (during which I got bombarded with bad news... both of my managers lost their jobs), and I left again to get dinner with the girls at Chilli's. Kimmi was nice enough to come and get me, and on the way there I filled her in on everything that happened ever. Well, not ever, but ya know.
We got to Chilli's, found Kendra, and sat, talked, ordered drinks, and waited for Amanda. Kendra got a Maragarita, and Kimmi and I got Cosmopolitans, which were freakin' STRONG. I got through half of mine, was tipsy, and in the process of moving my diet coke closer to me I knocked it over. Literally knocked it over. The cup hit the table, and half of my drink went from the table to the chair to the floor. I was sad, but figured it was a sign to not drink. We ate dinner, Kimmi brought me home, and Mason came over a little bit after that.
We didn't do a whole lot; we talked with mom and Rachel and he dug around inside her head. When she left, he dug around in mine. We sat on the couch until we were both falling asleep, then we went to bed and fell asleep around 2 or 3.

This morning around 11:30 alarm number 1 went off, I cursed it, and snuggled back into bed. I found the sucker after the second time it went off, turned all three alarms off, and made myself wake up. Eventually Mason and I went out to get food (after saying hello and goodbye to Rachel). We got Wendy's and ate it at the walking trail near my house, which was very peaceful and calming. It was his idea to go, and honestly that was one of the best ideas; the tranquility was tangible. We talked about a few things while eating, and listened to music, and watched ducks swim and the water ripple and the fountain do it's thing. I love fountains... I love how peaceful fountains can make an environment seem. If I could, I would have one in my back yard. And stare at it every day. I'm sorry to be rambling about fountains to you when I could tell you what Mason and I talked about, but again, there are some things that I will not touch on in here. We had to the leave the park around 2:15 so I could get ready for work. After I got ready, we sat and talked, and at 2:45 we said goodbye and I went to work.
Work was challenging. I was an emotional wreck. I'm going to go ahead and say, one time and one time only, that I must be PMSing, because I haven't done this much crying in a really long time. Also, I believe that I'm being tested in some form or another, so that wasn't the most fun time, either. At one point, I walked into the back in search of some highly-priced product and had the Shit Scared Out of Me by my friend Brandi. Brandi didn't know I was emotional. Brandi was laughing, and I laughed after I got over being scared. Then I paused, got teary eyed, quivery voiced, and cried. I didn't sob this time, but I DID cry, and unintionally made her feel bad. I explained to her what my deal was, but I don't think that made her feel any better. Sad day.
We didn't even get close to getting out of there tonight at a reasonable time. We left at 11:25, two hours and fifteen minutes after we closed.
I got home, talked with my family and Ben (who is staying with us for a little while due to circumstances beyond his control), and ended up crying during that time. I would be talking, having a serious conversation, get teary, and start sobbing. I hope this stops soon -_-
Eventually I showered, ate a snack, and here I am (after about two hours of looking through things on facebook, various blogs, youtube, and dailybooth).

I'm going to go do my hair, and sleep.
I work at 10 a.m. But I get off at 2 p.m., get to do homework, and see Mason, so my day isn't really going to be that bad : )

I'll write soon!

<3

9/16/2010

In Society, Women Shouldn't Eat Pizza Because They'll Get Fat! That's Not Okay!

Quick Update: Tuesday night I worked. Yay. Wednesday I did the usual classes thing. I went to government, spent my free hour doing math homework, went to math, skipped PE to do more math homework, went to Creative Writing, and came home to do MORE MATH HOMEWORK. I finished the necessary assignment, so that's good. At five I clocked into work, worked 'til ten, and came home. I got sucked into my chair, finally changed into PJs, started my laundry, and Mason got here at 11. We chatted with my family for awhile and came back to my room to do homework (he wrote his essay, I worked on Math and Facebooked and edited his essay at 1 a.m.). We had cake at one point, and decided to sleep around 2 this morning. At 7 the alarms went off, I said goodbye to him, slept until noon, showered, ate pizza (take that, society!), and am fixing to do a quick walmart run before I get ready for work. I work at five today, 'til close, then Eric is coming over to study for Government stuff. I have classes tomorrow from 8 a.m. to 12:15 p.m., and then I get to come home and sleeeep. I have dinner plans with the girls (tentative, but they're happening!) and I'm hoping that Mason will be able to come over.

The Point of the Title: I had to watch a video about how women are portrayed in society and got pretty appalled. I had to write a response to it. Both things will be included below.

Video - http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1993368502337678412#

Questions that we needed to Answer: 1. What is your reaction to the points made? Do you agree or disagree with what was said about gender stereotypes in the media? Why?

2. How do these images affect YOUR self-concept (this applies to both men and women)? How do these images affect the self-concepts of women and girls or men and boys in general?

3. How does these images in the media affect our perception of women?


My Response -

My reaction to this is increasing anger at how society treats Women. We are picked apart and put back together in the “perfect” way. Our bodies aren’t good enough, our personalities aren’t good enough, and apparently we aren’t capable of having meaningful relationships or emotions. We are dehumanized and beaten, and portrayed as weak and powerless. Needless to say, I fully agree with what she is saying about gender stereotypes in America. It is because of these stereotypes that many young women have self-esteem issues, and some women never fully come to terms with the fact that their bodies are okay.
What the speaker doesn’t touch on is that the women who think lowly of themselves usually end up resenting the women who are “better“ than them; they have everything - the body, the self-confidence, the men… When can these other women have that? The only answer to this question is… When they learn to love themselves, despite the fact that society can not. And sadly, some never will.
As a young girl, even though I was exposed to these images, I was never affected by them; I would see a commercial about how makeup was made out of fish scales and bat poop and think “Gross! I will never have that on my face!” These things changed at thirteen when the kids that I went to school with “knew” that I was imperfect and needed to change; I was fat, and ugly, and that wasn’t cutting it. They got to me before the media did, and at fifteen I finally felt that I needed to do something about it; I weighed less then than I have in a long time. It took years to accept that I am a beautiful individual and that there is nothing wrong with being something other than the “perfect” woman. I don’t feel the pressures of society like I did then; I’m fine with being slightly overweight, having extremely fluffy hair that I choose to tame because I like it better that way, having glasses that make me look like a nerd, and wearing clothes that are not the least bit fashionable. I can perceive the women in magazines for who they are: airbrushed models who are paid to be perfect. The images in this video, though haunting, have no effect on my self-concept; I know who I am - who are they to try to tell me any different? It’s sad to me that a lot of women don’t realize that they’ve fallen victim to society’s belief of who they are; they need the perfect clothes, makeup, shoes and man to make them feel complete, when in reality this is just not the case.
Media causes us to perceive women as innocent, seductive, beyond-beautiful creatures who don’t have minds of their own; we’re only here to look good and satisfy our male counterparts. In some cases, we feed into this perception - we buy the makeup and become the meek version that society portrays because we want to be accepted. God forbid we’re individuals who have minds of our own.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In other, less mature, words society can suck it.

<3

9/14/2010

Whoa.

I forgot to mention why I titled the last blog "The Kids' Couch."
I usually tie the title in somewhere, but I guess that night my brain was on other things.
I titled it as such because Rachel, Ben, Owen and I were sitting on the couch during my cousin's baby shower, which is located in the corner of their living room. We sat there discussing Pokemon, and I texted a lot and ooed and awed over the baby gifts, and watched as a mom got really annoyed with me (I'm a little rough around the edges, so some people tend to get bad first impressions. And by 'some,' I mean 'most'). So yeah. For such an adult situation, we were acting like children. I liked it because it reminded me that, though I am 21, I don't have to be serious all of the time. I would like to think that I helped liven it up by being a dork, and by interacting with Owen and getting excited about Sponge Bob even though I don't like that show. And I got to watch some toddlers scuttle around on the floor and make huge messes with their food, so that was fun.
I did forget to mention that I chatted with my uncle, and he let me know, again, how proud of me he is. I keep my nose clean, and try my best to be a good and responsible person. And for that, he is proud of me. : )

Sunday was a rough day. I spent most of the day focusing on what I was supposed to be doing and trying to get through the shift. I tried to be as mechanical as I could as I helped customer after customer, sent people on breaks, and watched the lines pile up as fast as we got them down. There was a lady who had this return but didn't have her items, so I had to punch them in manually; this would usually bother me, but on that day I just didn't care - I did what I had to do to get her out of there, and proceeded to help other customers after her.
I got a break and a thirty minute lunch, which was nice. I was able to listen to my music and it kept me sane. I worked from 10 to 6:15 (I got to leave after I counted my drawer), and was pretty mentally tired by the time I left.
Mason (look look, you're in here again!) came over shortly after I got home, and we ended up going to WalMart (to look at cameras; he almost bought one but wants to price them) and Best Buy (they closed two minutes before we pulled into the parking lot). Then we came back here, said goodbye for a little bit, and I came inside to eat some dinner.
I ended up getting sucked into the Cowboys game, which just usually doesn't happen. But they made a game-winning touchdown within the last three seconds that was taken away because one of their players basically choked (holding) a guy on the other team. Ridiculous and angering. I was yelling.
Mason got back around 11:45, and we sat out here chatting, on our laptops, watching TV, while he started his essay. I watched youtube videos and thought about writing my second writing assignment, but I just wasn't up to it. We got ready for bed around 1, and fell asleep around 3.

Monday we woke up to all three of my annoying alarms, and at 7:05 I forced myself out of bed. After getting ready quickly (grabbing the first clothes I saw, eating, brushing my teeth, touching up my makeup) I said goodbye to Mason and drove to campus.
I sat through Government for the first time in a week, and was grateful that she took the time to review for a minute before launching into the lecture.
Eric was standing outside when I left (he has the same class the hour after mine), so I stopped to talk with him for a minute before heading to the writing center.
I didn't have to go to speech because it's our online week this week, so I spent the hour editing my creative writing piece, doing one speech assignment, and taking a learning styles quiz. I was disappointed about not going to speech because I didn't get to sit in the comfy chairs, but feel like I got a lot done since I didn't go.
I went to Math, where I proceeded to get lost AGAIN while she was teaching. I don't understand how she can teach really well one day, and rush through it the next. Needless to say, I have a very small idea of what we're supposed to do in there.
PE was boring, and I spent most of that class fighting off sleep. We took a quiz at the end that I probably failed.
Creative Writing was interesting, as always. I was rescued by a guy from a cricket because it kept inching closer and closer. I'm not AFRAID of crickets, really; they just freak me out. We divided into groups and swapped stories while writing comments (picking our favorite line, our favorite descriptive part, and three descriptive words about the main character). I got asked out to lunch this day, too, which was flattering.

(Ben just said that I have thick thighs. Not sure how to react to that one...
I gave my sister a "What the Hell did he just say? And why did he say it?" face. Haha.)

After my classes, I came home to my sister not feeling well, so I kept her company while we took a nap in her bed. We slept from 2 to 4, and I ended up getting medicine for her before leaving to meet up with Mason. I picked him up at his apartments, and drove us to a bookstore close to campus so that he could buy his books. They had all but one, so that was awesome. Then I swung by Subway so that he could eat, dropped him off, and picked him up two minutes later. We went and got Kimmi, then went to eat at Rosas.
Rosas was nice. I love their food, and enjoyed chatting with Mason and Kimmi. We sat in a booth with a ton of wooden parrots perching above us, a cieling fan that sounded like a metronome to our left (which spurred a lot of band/ROTC talk), and freaky looking ceramic suns on a far wall that stared at us the entire time. We had a good time, and left after being there for (what felt like) a couple hours. I dropped Kimmi off at home, swung by my house really quick, and drove Mason and I to his brothers'.
Upon arrival, we stood outside and chatted with the brothers and their friend, and ended up piling into cars to go to IHOP (after stopping at Race Track). While at IHOP, we drank sodas, watched one of the brothers eat pancakes, picked on each other, had weird conversations, and played "Life." Honestly, it was a ton of fun. We went back to the house at around midnight, then left there around 12:30.
I drove Mason and I to his apartments to get his car, and he followed me back home. Upon arriving here, we talked to my mom and sister for a little bit, then went to bed. We weren't awake nearly as long as the previous night; tiredness seemed to be the general feeling.

Today we woke up around 7, said goodbye, and I went to sleep for another hour. Mom woke me up, I showered, and we left the house at around 9 to go to her doctor appointment. I ended up falling asleep on the way there, and even slept in two chairs for a little bit. I hear mom go "Yeah, that's mine; she stayed up really late last night." I woke up about an hour later, started playing a game on my iPod, texted with Mason, and discovered a Coffee News on steroids; instead of just the usual stuff, it included a word search, a "find the difference between these two pictures," and Sudoku. I kept myself entertained for the last 45 minutes with that thing.
I heard my mom say "Let me wake my kid up," and when she walked out she said "Oh, my kid is awake!"
Everyone in the waiting room looked at me like they had no idea I was there.
We left after that, and went to the gas station before hitting the road.
We stopped at McDonalds, the eyeglasses place, and Walgreens before coming home.
And... here I am.
I know. My day has been thrilling.
I should have taken a nap; I'm pretty tired still.

I'm glad to be relaxing for a moment... these past couple of days have been really long and full and tiring. But good... I enjoyed them for the most part : )

Now I'm fixing to get ready and go to work, because I LIVE THERE NOW.
I'll write soon.

<3

9/11/2010

The Kids' Couch

Today was... okay.
It wasn't good, or bad. It just happened.
I opened the registers at 9 a.m., met a new cashier, went on a break, dealt out breaks, and took care of rather long lines throughout most of the shift. Our district manager came in to shop, and caused a lot of trouble, tension and irritation. He quizzed me over our "six values," even though we don't have to have them memorized until Monday, and taught me how to do store transfers. He left after about an hour of torture, and our assistant manager strolled through the door. He was in trouble, no doubt about it. And we're all mad at our store manager; he isn't taking care of his team - he's leaving us short handed on almost every shift besides his, and messing up a lot of people's schedules.
I was able to leave at 2, which is one of the shortest day shifts I've had.
I was home for about five minutes; long enough to change, grab a slice of cold pizza, and head out the door. I arrived at my cousin's house and stuffed my face a bit more. Eventually my cousin opened her gifts (some of which was a rubber ducky that changes color, several cute clothes, and random other things), we played a game, and ate some really awesome cake. I signed a onesie "You're probably very cute. Love you Lotus! - Kimbra." And Owen signed it "Good luck," which was much more funny and much more profound. He's 10. I'm amazed.
I cleaned my bathroom and bedroom when I got home while listening to a couple of CDs. Dad thought Owen and I were kidding when we told him about it, and felt my forehead after asking "Are you sick?"
Now I'm finally being lazy, because I'm zapped of most of my energy. I'm in the process of washing my bedding, and will wash my clothes, but other than that I can't do much else.

Tomorrow I work 10-6 instead of 12-7:30; I switched with the other FES. I figured that by doing this I am ensuring that I can be home at a decent time (we're having a HUGE ad, so I know they'll be there for awhile during closing), and maybe do some homework. I know Mason is coming over and will be here around 6:30 or 7, and we may go camera shopping.
I'm glad he's coming over tomorrow. I miss him.

Okay, well, that's all from me today.
Wish me luck on dealing with the crazy shift from Hell!

<3

9/10/2010

So Much In My Head

I don't blog for two days, and I'm already feeling an intense amount of anxiety about the number of things in my head.
Obviously there are some things that I am not willing to disclose, because I want to keep some things as mine. But most things... Most things you can have.
/hands gift-wrapped present with large golden bow on top
You're welcome! : D

I got to spend the early afternoon lounging around with Mason. We eventually went out into the living room to talk with Rachel, and after a little while ended up driving to ChikFillet for food. We all ate a lovely lunch and talked while doing so, then went to the dollar store for a random fun trip. I left with a purple glittery frisbee and "Plum Lucky" by Janet Evanovich (one of the MANY books in her Stephenie Plum series). I eventually dragged all three of us out of the dollar store (which is hard; I wanted to buy half of the little snoglobes and trinkets) and was home with those two for about an hour before I had to leave for work. After bidding Mason goodbye, I drove to work and clocked in at 5.
This night was frustrating. We were short handed (we didn't have a closing cashier), so I spent most of the night on the registers, and my manager and one of the people on the floor spent the night trying to help me catch the lines up. It was ridiculous. I somehow managed to start closing registers at 9, but ended up taking 45minutes to finish. At 10, I walked through the door to my house, and at 10:15 it was decided that Mason and I would go get food.
At 10:45 Mason was here, and we went to Whattaburger (because they serve breakfast at 11, and I REALLY LIKE their honey butter chicken biscuit). We sat out in the car for fifteen minutes talking, and spent the time between receiving our food at 11:15 and leaving at 2:30 getting to know each other better. It was nice, though intense at the same time. And that's all I'm saying about that.
Upon arriving home, we ended up sitting on our respective laptops for awhile. Then we talked a bit more, and ended up talking for almost an hour about Pokemon. I mean, who can say that? "What did you do tonight?" "Oh, I spent an hour within close proximity to a guy talking about Pokemon and laughing at how nerdy we are." I loved it.
I also like when I'm sleep deprived, and say stupid things, and am met with even more stupid things once or twice. That's fun.
We eventually got to sleep, and I had to be awake for class by 7:15.

There is something you should know about me. When I wake up after two hours of sleep, and think about why I shouldn't go to a specific class, I will find MULTIPLE reasons. So I slept in for another thirty minutes, made myself get dressed, didn't touch my hair and only added eyeliner. Then I flopped back into bed, and asked Mason if I should go to class. He said if I wanted to. Of course I didn't want to, but I sighed and got back out of bed anyway. After saying goodbye to him, I drove to campus, and made it to Speech on time.
Honestly, I'm glad I went. We have these SUPER COMFY chairs that, after sitting in, I immediately felt amazing. Like... a huge amount of cranky was lifted off of me. My back felt awesome. My butt had a cushy place to sit. It was AWESOME!
I talked to my friend in there, and ended up talking to a couple of other guys in there. One thinks that Harry Potter is awesome. I can tell that we're going to be good friends. Except... when I asked him who his favorite character was, he didn't know. That was disappointing.
We discussed situations in which it's necessary to have good ethics, and at one point a guy basically said "We all know that we would keep whatever was in the purse. We're human. We're greedy. We're all the same, esentially. No one in their right mind would return the contents to their owner." I was appalled. And pissed. For him to say that (though, for most of Humanity, it is true) was ridiculous. I wanted to get into a verbal arguement with him, and maybe smack him in the face. It was insulting to hear after half of us said that we would return it. I wasn't the only one offended, but none of us said anything; I didn't want to be the cause of a debate about humans and morals.
After that class I went to Math, and she was actually TEACHING US IN DETAIL. Maybe what I said on Wednesday struck a nerve, and I hope it did. I hope this sticks. Because I actually learned stuff today, since she actually taught the material.
I came home afterward and slept for a couple of hours (I skipped PE today; I did not have enough patience for that class).
By 3, I was awake, ready, and clocked in at work. Tonight's shift went rather smoothly, though I was bummed that it was such a long one for me. We didn't leave until 9:30, and that was after dealing with the chaos that is Homecoming and counting registers and doing everything else that we were supposed to do.
I came home for ten minutes, then went to a friend's house to celebrate her 21st birthday. I participated in a drinking game, which ended when the birthday girl puked for the first time. I had two (maybe three; I somehow had another empty beer bottle in front of me), so I was feeling good. And people were like "You're drunk, aren't you?" "NO!" I would say, because, in truth, I was not. Just... elated.
I came home around midnight, showered, talked with Mason and Eric, and here I am.

I'm bummed that I work tomorrow. Tomorrow is my fifth day in a row, and I work from 9 to whenever I get off. Tomorrow, at 1, is my cousin's baby shower. And I'm missing it.
I'm pissed because I work for a sixth day in a row on Sunday. 12-7:30. During one of the worst ads. And my boss gets TWO DAYS off in a row. While I'm on my sixth day. It genuinely upsets me. I could barely study this week in between work, school, and my shrinking social life. And now I really don't get an entire day to just sit and apply myself.
I know I should be grateful for all of the hours, but honestly I'm doing everything within my power not to go crazy. I'm breathing and pushing through and dealing with the stupidity of the people in front of me and asking for their zipcodes 100s of times and dealing with short-handed shifts and... I just don't like doing it six days in a row.
He took away one of the only days that I could have genuinely just kicked back ALL DAY. And I don't get that until God knows when.
So, yes, you could say I'm upset about this. Maybe I'll be over it after a few hours sleep and a refreshed mind, but right now I'm upset about the things I'm missing and the things I'm not getting to do.

I'm sure Mason is coming over on Sunday, which will help quite a bit.

I'm going to sleep.

<3

9/08/2010

My Math Teacher is Infuriating, and Other Things

So today I overslept.
And by overslept, I mean slept in until 8:30 and missed my first two classes.
It was pouring down rain when I finally left my house at 9:20, and I got to drive through flooded streets; there were waves on either side of my car as I drove.
I wore tennis shoes today, at mom's annoying repeated request, and promptly stepped in a large puddle that soaked my feet entirely.
I went into the writing lab in order to print out my assignments, and was finally able to get it to work after five minutes. I then realized that I didn't have a pen or pencil, and on the way to the building that my Math class is in I found one on the ground.
Math today was better than usual. I FINALLY, FINALLY understood how to use the graphing method to find the freaking solution to a set of somethings, so that's good. When asked a couple of questions, our teacher said something along the lines of "We assume you know this." She said it a few times in a few different ways, and I finally said "Why do you assume that we know this when some of us didn't take the previous class and were placed in here by the accuplacer?"
She said something about how one HAS to assume that we know the basic things, because if we didn't we would not have scored so highly on the Accuplacer. And if she took time to review, it would end up becoming the previous class.
I held my tongue then, because I didn't want it to seem like I was challenging her. But inside I was thinking "What the Hell? How is asking you to actually explain, in detail, what we're learning asking you to reteach the previous class?"
I mean, Hell, I didn't even UNDERSTAND what we learned the first day until today. It took four classes for me to get it. She finally explained it in such a way that EVERYONE got it; I wasn't the only one who was completely lost as to how she was getting her damn solutions.
What I don't understand is that I was placed in this REMEDIAL math class in order to brush up on math skills so that I can go into the REAL class. So far, I'm teaching myself almost everything that we've been through because she is just /not/ teaching in a way that I understand. If I can sit through this class, come home not knowing what in the Hell I'm doing, and spend three hours per one Math assignment teaching myself this shit, then WHAT AM I DOING IN THERE? Why can't I do this very same thing in the actual math class and save the tuition that I'm wasting on this class? I'm tempted to go argue with the counselors about this, because it's complete bullshit.
/ end rant
PE was alright. I disliked how they sat and taught us a lesson, and waited until class was over to hand us a quiz and make us sit there for five minutes.
I walked across campus and made it to Creative Writing on time, surprisingly. We discussed our reading selection, and a few people read their tension-filled-dialogue (a word of which my PUBLISHED AUTHOR professor can't spell. she spelled it "dialog." NO!).
I came home, napped for an hour, showered, ate, got ready for work, and clocked in at five.
Tonight was pretty good. It was crazy, but there weren't nearly as many frustrating people as there usually are. I closed the registers on time, and we were out of there by 9:35.
I've eaten dinner, straightened my hair, changed into jammies, watched "Criminal Minds," and am waiting on Mason to get here.
I may redo a math assignment since I totally blew it because I didn't understand.
I may do my PE lab.
I may do both things, because when Mason gets here he will start working on an essay. That encourages me to actually do some homework ahead of time.

Alrighty, that's all I have to say.
The victim just kicked the crazy killer guy in his balls. AWESOME! Now stop yelling or he will find you!

Okay, done for real.

<3

9/07/2010

Update and Excerpts

Yesterday I sat on my couch for the vast majority of six hours doing Math homework.
I got up to shower and pop in some Disney movies, because there is no way you can get frustrated with math while you're watching happy Disney movies.
I did my hair in between math and starting my writing assignment.
After a little while, I left home and went to Mason's brothers' house. About an hour kater, we (Ryan, his sister Dani, Mason and I) started our trek to Oklahoma to go to Winstar. The ride there was quiet at first; we listened to loud music with the windows down and our hair blowing around wildly. After we stopped at a gas station/Subway, we were back on the road with the windows up while chatting. Eventually we saw the flashing HUGE sign for Winstar Casinos, and five minutes later we were IN THE PARKING LOT. I was excited and pumped; it was my first time there. Upon walking in we were met with large silver glittery Chinese dragons hanging from the ceiling and card table games. We walked through a forrest of slot machines until we picked a random row to play. It is here that I started gambling, and actually won a little before I lost a lot. We ended up splitting up for a bit, and Mason and I went in search of drinks and restrooms. There was a foyer area with plushy leather furniture that I wanted to sleep on (and some people were ACTUALLY sleeping on them), and upon entering the restroom I was met with a LARGE mirrior and a rather long hallway full of stalls. And there were free drink kiosks. And a bar, but I didn't get an alcoholic drink; I'm pretending alcohol doesn't exist for a little while. We got lost a few times, played some Black Jack, found a touch-screen map, and I jumped and touched a sign to prove that it wasn't a mirrage. We had a good time, and left around 10:30 or 11. The drive back was mellow, and Mason and I ended up falling asleep in the back seat with Dani and Ryan sat up front. Once we got back to the house, the ladies hauled ass inside to pee, and we ended up talking outside for an hour. Things got weird and creepy, and that's all I will say about that. Mason and I came back here after awhile, and stayed awake entirely too late.

My alarms woke us up at 7 this morning. He went to class, and I went to work. I worked from 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m., and encountered some of the most frustrating "I want to save this whole entire dollar!" individuals. I said the F-word in front of my manager, which caused him to crack up. I also said "Slap a ho," which also made him laugh; I try not to cuss at work because it's unprofessional, but I was pretty riled up at that point. I got home around 5:45, ate some dinner, and finished one writing assignment. I have one more to go, and most likely something for PE left.

I am going to leave you with what I wrote for Creative Writing. The assignment was to write a story with "dialogue with tension." I had the perfect thing; it's another part of that novel I'm working on, and happens way before the other part I posted. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~

After a night of celebrating my birthday, and twenty minutes after my guests leave, my cell phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, but feel as though I should answer it.
Little do I know that I will hate myself for years after making this decision.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hey, you.” she says.
“What do you want?” I ask, sweat pooling on my forehead.
“We need to talk.”
I hear the authority in her voice, and immediately hate it. “No, we don’t,” I reply with venom in my voice.
“Yes, we do,” she says, her voice softening.
“Why?” I ask, unwilling to make this easy on her.
“Just meet me at Sundae’s in thirty minutes, okay?” The authority is back.
“No,” I say, and hang up. I refuse to let her control me; she spent two years manipulating me, and I will not let her do it again.
My phone rings again, and I see the same number pop up. I sigh, hit the silent button and wait until the “missed call” icon appears before turning my phone off. I slide it into my pocket and walk upstairs to my bedroom, saying hello and thank you to my parents as I pass through our upstairs family room.
When I get to my room, I realize that I don’t want to be here. I want to be with my girlfriend, Rose, all of the time, every day. My heart feels like someone is squeezing it, and if I didn’t know any better I would think it is her.
I haven’t even sat on my bed to mope before the doorbell rings. I hear mom go downstairs and open it. Voices drift up the stairs as pleasantries are exchanged, then mom calls up to me. “Junior! You have a visitor!”
“I’ll be right down!” I shout. Before heading downstairs I check my hair, wiggle my eyebrows, and smile.
Yes, this ritual is weird, but it helps me feel like myself. More confident, so to speak.
When I walk into the living I am met with an odd sight. My parents are standing in the middle of the living room, facing the entry way where a slightly larger Lyla stands.
“What’s going on?” I ask, startling my mother.
“I’m pregnant,” Lyla says quickly, disallowing any pauses that should take place.
“Apparently, it’s yours,” my father says, shooting a look of disapproval in my direction.
“Can’t be,” I reply, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“I’m three months along,” the Evil Bitch says. “There is no way it could be anyone else’s.”
“Unless Steven Evans got you pregnant, or that one guy at Morgan’s party, or Josh Manson, or…”
“Phillip,” my mom hisses.
“I’m just naming the possibilities, mom. I’m not the only guy she slept with during those two years.”
“Then why choose you?” she asks calmly, her eyes glued on Lyla.
“Phil, you are the guy I slept with closest to conception,” she says.
“That means nothing to me,” I say, turning around and walking away.
“Phil!” she shouts, and I stop. “This is your baby. No matter what you say or do, this is not going away.”
“And what were you expecting?” I yell, whirling around. “What, you want me to drop everything and be by your side?”
“Yeah, actually,” she says, which only pisses me off more. “I need you, and this baby needs you. I figured that you would want to help take care of it, ya know? I can’t imagine doing it by myself.”
I hear her words and see tears welling up in her eyes. The anger that I feel toward her melts when the guilt sets in. My parents watch me for a moment, waiting for me to react. Dad clears his throat. “Thank you, Lyla, for dropping by, but I think it’s time for you to leave.”
I expect to see disappointment on her face, and for a moment I do. After regaining her composure, she nods, thanks my father for inviting her in, and leaves.
An awkward pause ensues after she leaves. We all stand there, looking anywhere but at each other. Finally, mom breaks the silence. “Well,” she says hesitantly - quietly - “looks like we need to have a family meeting.”
Dad is unable to speak and nods in agreement as I continue to stare past my mother and at the front door.
“Phil,” she says, almost pleading for my attention.
My glance snaps to her face, and I see something that I’ve never seen before: anguish, worry, and sadness. “Yeah?” I ask, a lump rising in my throat.
“Is it yours?”
“I’m sure it isn’t,” I answer.
“Then why do you look so fearful?” she asks, walking closer and putting her hand on my face.
I flinch at the gesture, but she leaves her hand there.
“Because she’s three months along,” my dad answers, finally escaping from his thoughts. “He was still seeing her around that time.”
“The way I understand it, she was seeing several young men at that time” my mom says, shifting her gaze to my dad.
Her hand is still on my face.
“So what should I do?” I ask flatly.
“What you think is right,” my mom answers.
“Though we will disown you if you marry her,” dad chimes in.
“Phillip,” mom responds in a chiding tone. “This is no time for jokes.”
“Who says I’m joking?” he says. “This is obviously a trap set for him, by her. If he walks willingly into it, he is no son of ours.”
I sigh. “Can I go to my room now?”
“You may,” mom answers, finally removing her hand.
I can still feel the touch of her hand on my right cheek.
Turning, I force my body to make it’s way up the stairs and into my room. When I get there, I close my door, walk to my bed, pick up a pillow and…
I scream.

~~~~~~~~

<3

9/05/2010

Hmm

I don't have a whole lot to say, but it seems like I have so much on my mind that I can barely handle it.
I'm also really tired, which doesn't make sense since I slept in until noon the past two days.
I mean, it's only 11 p.m. I don't sleep until 1 or 2 a.m. normally. Maybe my sleeping pattern is almost back on track. Hm.

Yesterday I did work from 3 to 9:30, and, as mentioned, waited until the last possible minute to get ready.
I went to clean my belly button piercing, and the skin separating the two holes that made the piercing tore. I repeat. It tore. So I think it's safe to say that my belly button is no longer pierced, and it looks kind of gross right now. I'm hoping that it'll heal correctly, because as it is right now I don't even like looking at it.
Mason came over and spent the night, and we both got to sleep in today. It was really nice.
We entered the kitchen eventually in search of food, decided to go out, and left after I took some time to help my overall appearance.
We (Rachel, Mason and I) went to IHOP for some delicious food, then to WalMart (I got a computer chair that didn't come with the necessary hardware and cuuuute pajamas). Then we came back here, I tried assembling the stupid chair, Mason put it back in the box for me, and we ended up chillin' in the floor of my living room listening to music. Mason drew something in paint that I don't think he saved, then we played card games until John called.
Mason left five minutes after that, and John arrived ten minutes later. We watched "Jersey Shore," hung out with Rachel, and ended up watching random Youtube videos on the big screen.
John left five minutes ago, and now I'm here.

I feel kind of stressed out, and I'm not entirely sure what about. I mean, yes, there are homework assignments due in a few days that I SHOULD work on, so maybe that's it.
Hm.

Okay, that's all from me.

I'll blog soon.

Currently Reading: My math book, PE book, Creative Writing excerpts, and Speech assignments. And notes from every class. Welcome back to College!

<3

9/03/2010

It's Been a Couple Days

I took my break, and it felt really odd not updating.
There was SO MUCH that I could have put in here, yet on the 1st I decided to go with my irrational fear. And leave you with it. And for that, I apologize.
I should have blogged again the next day in order to say "Hey, I'm okay. I just needed to get that off my chest."
I AM okay. I'm perfectly fine. Other than being slightly tired, hearing a weird noise right now, and wanting a blueberry bagle that I can't have, I'm great.
... This noise is bothering me. It's a high pitched whirring. I hope my ceiling fan doesn't find some way to escape from the ceiling...
Ah, it stopped. Thank goodness.

Anyway.
The past couple of days have been full of work, school, my family and Mason.
I worked on Thursday, closed, and Mason came over after a little while. If memory serves me correctly, we eventually went to WalMart with Rachel and Ben for a computer chair, and left with Subway sandwiches. Nom nom nom. I didn't get to sleep until around 3 a.m., and slept until 7 a.m.
After getting ready (I only made enough time to do my hair, add eyeliner, get dressed, and go), I drove to campus listening to Nirvana and wondering why it was so cold. I went through all of my classes, and had a Hell of a time staying awake during P.E.; it was my last class of the day, and I really just wanted to go home and sleep.
After classes, I came home, slept for almost two hours, got called into work, and was stuck at work from 4 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. That shift was freakin' terrible. We had someone from corporate coming today, so we had to make sure that everything looked decent. And I somehow got behind with closing duties, so that didn't help any.
I was feeling pretty low after work. I could have had a night off, on my couch, with my sister and mom. Instead, I was at work, doing all of this last minute stuff, until 11:30 (two hours after we normally leave). I got to sit with my sister for a grand total of 45 minutes before she went to sleep. I showered, wanted a blueberry bagle but couldn't find one, did my laundry, and sat on the couch alone until I went to sleep around two. My night DID improve, but it still didn't feel very awesome for a little while.

Today I slept in until noon, dragged myself out of bed, and ate a PB&J sandwich since Rachel made some mix for one.
I sat on the couch watching her get ready to go out, and hugged her before she left with Ben. I talked with Kimmi for awhile, ate some Mac n' Cheese, made a small lunch for work, and have to get ready to go to work in one minute.
To my understanding, Mason is coming over again tonight after I get off, which is exciting.

Tomorrow I get to sleep until noon, and see John (hopefully).
I'm hoping to get to see Eric sometime this week (I said that I would kidnap him Sunday, but I'm not sure how that'll work since he didn't answer) because I'm pretty sure I miss him.

I'm off Monday, and Tuesday through Saturday will be filled with school and work.

Okaay, that's all I have time for today.
I need to get ready and go to work.
From 3 to 9:30.
Ugh.

<3

9/01/2010

New Fear

If you've seen my "Fears" video that I posted to my Youtube channel (which is, sadly, being ignored right now), you know that there is an extensive list.
Clowns, birds, spiders, darkness, fully grown drunken adult men, displays of intense anger, and losing a loved one are all on the list.
There are a couple of rather ridiculous ones, such as being afraid that scientists are somehow going to bring Dinosaurs back to life, as well as my new found fear which I shall elaborate upon below.

As you should be aware of by now, there is a guy within my life that used to confuse me. He would waffle back and forth between whether or not he wanted to be with me, and currently he does not (which I am perfectly fine with). We would kiss, but that didn't mean anything. We would make out, but that couldn't mean anything. We even decided on dating at one point, but that couldn't happen. I allowed myself to be led on this strange path because I really did like him, and it is because of this that my fear developed.

I realized earlier today that, currently, no matter how close I get to a man, or guy, I feel as if at any moment they're going to say "No, sorry, this isn't going to work." I expect them to freak out, and even look for signs that it will happen. I expect them to bail as soon as things get started, because that's what I've become accustomed to lately.


Isn't that sad? Do I not have more self-worth than that? Do I not possess the ability to find guys who actually value me, and who I value just as much?

Yes, I do. And that's why I'll push past this. This is a stupid, ridiculous fear brought on by a situations that I walked into willingly; it's up to me to conquer it.

<3