9/01/2010

New Fear

If you've seen my "Fears" video that I posted to my Youtube channel (which is, sadly, being ignored right now), you know that there is an extensive list.
Clowns, birds, spiders, darkness, fully grown drunken adult men, displays of intense anger, and losing a loved one are all on the list.
There are a couple of rather ridiculous ones, such as being afraid that scientists are somehow going to bring Dinosaurs back to life, as well as my new found fear which I shall elaborate upon below.

As you should be aware of by now, there is a guy within my life that used to confuse me. He would waffle back and forth between whether or not he wanted to be with me, and currently he does not (which I am perfectly fine with). We would kiss, but that didn't mean anything. We would make out, but that couldn't mean anything. We even decided on dating at one point, but that couldn't happen. I allowed myself to be led on this strange path because I really did like him, and it is because of this that my fear developed.

I realized earlier today that, currently, no matter how close I get to a man, or guy, I feel as if at any moment they're going to say "No, sorry, this isn't going to work." I expect them to freak out, and even look for signs that it will happen. I expect them to bail as soon as things get started, because that's what I've become accustomed to lately.


Isn't that sad? Do I not have more self-worth than that? Do I not possess the ability to find guys who actually value me, and who I value just as much?

Yes, I do. And that's why I'll push past this. This is a stupid, ridiculous fear brought on by a situations that I walked into willingly; it's up to me to conquer it.

<3

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