Women's Rights

Women are human beings. We have the same feelings and the same thoughts as men. We are equal to them in a lot of ways, namely the fact that most of us actually enjoy having sex once we get started. Does this make those of us who can usually not get enough sex any less of an equal than those who don't have any at all? No, it does not.

Whether a woman has lots of sex with lots of partners or a lot of sex with one partner or no sex at all, she is still a human being worthy of respect. Shaming a woman by calling her a slut for actually liking sex and wanting to experience it with as many people as possible is a ridiculous act; you would not shame a man for the same promiscuity, so why treat his equal negatively by labeling her with one of the most shameful words in the human language? I don't know if anyone is actually aware of this, but the amount of a sex any person has is a very personal decision that this person has formed careful opinions about through life experience and feels comfortable following through with. In other words, it is really none of your damn business how much sex anyone, even woman, is having.

I am of the opinion that the word 'slut' when applied to women brings about a very negative connotation. The negativity brought about by this term allows all people to disrespect this type of woman and causes arguements to be formed that if a woman has a lot of sex and gets pregnant or raped as a result that she deserves it. One, how dare you say that anyone deserves to be a victim of one of the most greusome crimes one human can commit against another. Two, that's like saying that someone who gets hit by a car deserves getting run over because they were walking across the street at the time. No person deserves negative things, especially if it's as a result of having sex.

"But what if it's known that she is slut and she gets drunk and willingly goes home with a man? Surely that doesn't count as rape." There are two problems with this sentence. The first is that there are thoughts that drunk women are capable of 'willingly' doing things and being completely aware of them. I don't know about you, but once I get a little alcohol in me I start doing things that aren't too appropriate, and once I get a lot in me I start doing things that would never ever happen in a million years if I were sober. If a woman is at the point of being black out drunk and a man takes advantage of that, it still counts as assault and rape. In this situation, there was no willing second party to make a negative decision on her own; it was all his decision, and he is taking advantage of a state of being that this woman is most likely usually not in.

The second part of that statement is also a large issue. The human language defines rape to mean "the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." If there is a drunk woman who is not aware of what she is doing and a man takes advantage of it, that is unlawful compelling of a person through duress to have sexual intercourse. Just because she is not raped in a dark alley by a man in a black mask holding a gun to her head does not mean that this woman has not been raped once that man starts having sex with her while incompcitated. The rape is not her fault just because she happens to like sex and/or is drunk beyond the ability to make coherant decisions. There is no "true rape" versus "those slutty girls over there" rape. The difference of the situation does not make the fact that this woman was taken advantage of any different. Rape is rape when it happens to anyone, regardless of how much sex that person likes to have.

On another, not entirely unrelated, note - if a woman gets pregnant as a result of rape or incest, she has the right to decide not to keep the baby. That does not make her a murderer, or an immoral human being. This action makes her human, and unable to bring such a child to term or raise it if it was concieved through one of the most brutally humiliating acts that can happen to a woman. After anyone is raped, there are deep emotional scars that rarely heal all of the way and tend to serve as a constant reminder that this negative thing happened to them. Usually they are left feeling worthless and often times like this attack was their fault. The fact that we label woman as sluts for enjoying sex only perpetuates this thought process. If a baby results out of such an attack, a woman is NOT going to want to bring that child into the world; the story of the conception would be less than pleasant, and if she kept that child she could have a constant reminder about her attack and may grow increasingly bitter and depressed about life.

On a similar note, if woman wants to have an abortion it is none of anyone else's business. As harsh of a reality as this is, it is her body that this tiny human is using as a vessel and, therefore, it is her choice whether or not to keep it. Whatever the circumstances - if she is sixteen and can't support a baby, raped at a party and doesn't want that constant reminder, or a college student who just can not afford a baby and doesn't have anyone else to help her raise it - that woman has the right to decide to have an abortion performed. Does this mean that you have to like it? No, it does not, but the point is that she should not have to care whether or not you do. It is this woman's business what she does with her body, not yours. One person's choice, not millions of people's opinions, matters. Twenty two thousand (22,000) babies are abandoned in hospitals in 1993, and if you go to any credible news website you will find many different articles about how many babies were abandoned this year alone. Though I'm sure that some families who had children could not afford them, other babies who are abandoned are a result of the previously mentioned situations. Either way, a baby is not given a chance at a healthy beginning to life; I fail to see how aborting a baby who is not yet part of this earth is worse than abandoning one who is.

In summary, it is unhealthy for society to label anyone who decides that sex is the most wonderful experience on earth as a slut; it is a dangerous word that leads to human beings associating the opinion that those people are not as worthy as respect as other people. Without the thought that a "slut" is worthy of respect, it leaves the door wide open for men to take advantage of her promiscous nature in many forms, including rape. Stop treating your fellow human beings as inferior just because they make different personal choices than yourself. If people just learned to respect one another, perhaps this world would be quite the different place.

Side Note: To any human being who was a victim of rape, it is not your fault; the person who committed the rape is wholly to blame. You were in a shitty situation that you could not help. Do not be ashamed to bring justice to those who took advantage of you. I am willing to help those who are afraid to come forward take steps to feel comfortable enough to seek help and get the justice that they deserve; no one should be left feeling hopeless for a situation that they could not control.


50 Things About Me: 2012 Edition

For the past... I don't know how many years, but for a very long time - I've uploaded fifty facts about myself per year so that I can keep up with who I was that year. I know it's a little late, and pretty much two weeks before December ends, but here is the list for this year. Enjoy!

1) I'm still Kimbra

2) I am still four foot eleven and a fourth, though I'm sure others will tell you that I'm five foot exactly. To those people, I say 'thank you!'

3) I am in a relationship with James, and he gets me better than anyone else so far. I'm extremely lucky to have such an amazing guy that wants to be with me always.

4) I have five tattoos.

5) I still have four cats (Tigger, Sandy, Kitty Kitty and Fang), and Kitty Kitty acts as my partner in crime.

6) I have one lovely sister who I have come to appreciate very much; she means the world to me.

7) Right now, I don't have a car.

8) Most of the time, I'm pretty shy and am one of those people who is extremely quiet around other people until she gets comfortable, then I am pretty loud and can get obnoxious.

9) I'm a college graduate, and I received my Associates of the Arts degree in December of 2011.

10) I'm a mixture between being a realist and an idealist.

11) I've decided that I'm agnostic; I've tried a couple of different religions, learned too much, and don't believe in one supreme god.

12) I just turned 24 years old; I know that when I turn 25 I will bawl like a baby.

13) I work at a private preschool and teach fifteen wonderful children.

14) I've become a lot more apathetic about people who leave my life. In fact, I hold the door open for them now and say "Bye! Hope you enjoyed your stay! Glad you can't cause me anymore emotional distress!"

15) Owls are still my favorite animal. Translation: I'm still borderline obsessed with owls.

16) I'm obsessed with keys and keyblades.

17) Purple and white is still my favorite color combination, though the lighter shades fo blue are slowly replacing purple as my favorite color.

18) I'm socially awkward, and in the recent past have gotten pretty strange.

19) I've had people tell me that they were scared to talk to me because apparently I look intimidating, then they got to know me and realized that nothing about me is scary.

20) I have a very odd sense of humor.

21) I have an irrational fear that scientists will eventually be able to bring dinosaurs back to life.

22) I actually have reoccurring nightmares about dinosaurs rampaging my city.

23) I love books and the many adventures they take me on; through books I gain an escape that hands me advice, life lessons, and gain a further understanding about this crazy thing called life.

24) I am still obsessed with Harry Potter, and visit Hogwarts often in all of the ways that I can.

25) I can roll my tongue in three different ways.

26) I cuss like a sailor at home. Does that mean I'm uneducated? No. Does that mean that I use that kind of language at work? Obviously not.

27) I'm honest, but I try to be honest in a way that won't hurt people's feelings; being honest doesn't mean that I have to be a jerk.

28) I have depression and high anxiety, but both are pretty much under control now.

29) I have a jar full of torn pieces of paper with feelings written on them that I want to forget. Obviously I don't go back through and read about those particular feelings.

30) I like to have my own copies of books so that I can highlight and bracket memorable quotes.

31) I have two celebrity crushes; one for Seth Green that has been going strong since middle school, and one for John Green, who is obviously unavailable due to being happily married and having a son.

32) I fall in love with personality and intelligence; I'm not sure that the gender even matters.

33) I don't wear a lot of makeup; as long as I have eyeliner and mascara on, I'm good.

34) I can be pretty lazy, but I rarely like to carve out an entire day to be that way. I usually get restless toward the middle/end of the day and do something productive.

35) I like humans, but dislike humanity.

36) I drift off if a conversation lasts too long; you can see the exact moment that it happens, and I usually end up apologizing and asking for clarification on what they just said.

37) I'm an open book and wear my heart on my sleeve. If I'm feeling something as a direct result of something that you've said or done, you will be made aware in the boldest way possible.

38) I'm in a not-taking-people's-crap kind of mood lately; I'm just not dealing with it anymore.

39) I'm easily walked all over because of how nice I try to be. If you take advantage of it, you will be told very boldly to fuck off.

40) Though many adults I know have problems, I have a softer spot for children and teens who do; I get sad that their life is just beginning yet they've had such a rough start.

41) I know there isn't enough room in my heart to care about everyone every second of every day, so I don't.

42) Sometimes I just like to turn my phone off and hang out with my sister, or deal with the rocky hand that life has dealt me.

43) I'm an introverted people watcher, but that doesn't mean that I don't crave adventure.

44) I am very spontaneous and impulsive. I will go to WalMart at 3 a.m. for no other purpose than to walk around, or organize my books/movies because I suddenly decided that they were bothering me.

45) I've gotten pretty obsessive compulsive when it comes to things being in alphabetical order; I can't stand for them to be out of that specific order.

46) Despite my age, I'm a huge kid at heart and get overly excited about the smallest of things.

47) I think that I'm pretty, but thanks to America's societal standards I don't see myself as "beautiful" a lot of the time.

48) It is a dream of mine to have a novel published and sold; I'm in the middle of editing three right now.

49) I'm working on living a life that I am completely okay with.

50) My ideal partner (though I think I've found him, finally!) is someone that I can share every aspect of my life with, and who sees the darkness in me and loves me despite that darkness.


Alive and Well

I kind of dropped off of the blogging-face-of-the-earth for awhile because I've been super busy with work and this amazing guy that has captivated my heart. We started dating in October, toward the beginning, and I decided on October 14 to try this whole relationship thing with him. So far, I love it. He's very good to me and we get along really well. He saw through my meanness and got to the compassionate person underneath. He has somehow managed to tear down most of my barriers, and for that I am grateful. He is a kind soul and, though he gets frustrated with me from time to time, is super understanding. He accepts me for exactly who I am, flaws and all, and he makes it easy to accept him for who he is. I am extremely comfortable around him, and excited that I found someone that seems to click with me so well.

I may have found someone that is crazy about me, and I him, but I still have reservations that he is completely aware of. I'm still scared that we won't work, even though we're working very well. I still doubt that I'm cut out for a relationship because I react very strongly to things that should not matter. I realize that it will take time for me to stop being this way, but for now I am grateful that I am with a man who understands that better than I do and accepts me despite being slightly worried that I may one day bail on him.

Other than all of that, I've seen a few friends here and there, saw my family for Thanksgiving, and wrote 50,000 words in the month of November and have to finish the novel that I was working on in order to get my free proof copies. I have this week off and get to snuggle with my cat well into the afternoon every day and see my man quite a bit and possibly see my grandma... I'm super excited to rest up this week and get ready to actually want to be at work. I needed a small break.

I suppose that's all. I will update sooner than in a few months. Bye!



There's Beauty In The Breakdown

Earlier tonight, I narrowly avoided one of the largest breakdowns I've had in a very long time. I was sitting here, chatting with friends via text and facebook, minding my own business, when I mentioned that I truly do not ever want to see my ex, and shit just about hit the fan. I will be the first to admit that I had all of the fears in the world that we wouldn't work, that he would just walk away eventually, but I never, ever would have thought that we would go from talking every day to not ever talking again in a matter of weeks. I would have never thought that I would have been left to figure out how to get back up when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die. Literally; I didn't eat for 48 hours after he broke up with me because I just did NOT want to give myself permission to get better. I wanted to suffer, because I thought that I was supposed to. I'm better now, and I realize that I'm better off without him and that it's great that he's not remotely apart of my life, but hell, did I have to go through the most difficult breakup I've encountered to date? Did I have to feel like I just wanted to die? Did things have to end the way they did, or could they have ended a bit more gracefully with at least half of my heart intact?

The freak out started when I realized that I will never be able to change everything in this room to completely erase the imprints he's made in it. I've tried very hard, and have succeeded in a way, but then I started thinking about how I have to reorganize every drawer ever and rearrange furniture and that just isn't possible because I finally have my furniture where I want it.

The freak out and tears got even worse when I realized that this last breakup was the only thing that I have made it through that has undeniably altered every aspect of me. Every literal aspect. My body suffered with the weight gain I encountered when I became too comfortable, my emotions suffered from the rollercoaster of our relationship, my brain is completely fucked by many things. And this pisses me off, because this man was the only person, ever, who has been able to break me. I have been through some challenging things, but not one thing ever broke me before he did. I was always able to bounce back twice as strong, but after him, I'm lucky to be alive (to put it as dramatically as possible).

I am broken. I don't think that many of the people in my life actually want to hear from me, or want me around. I worry that when I make people angry that they are going to hold it against me for a very, very long time. I worry that I will be made to suffer for any minor mistake that I make; honestly, it shocks me when people just let things that I do go. I get emotionally exhausted from the smallest of negative encounters. I've hardened my heart, and I'm not sure that I ever want to let someone in like that again, because there is always a chance that I could have to go through something that bad, and I honestly don't think I can make it through a second time. I randomly get slapped in the face by sadnesses that normally would not matter. I am terrified of entering into an exclusive relationship. I am scared of establishing an emotional connection with someone, and daresay that I understand the physical a little bit better than the emotional aspect lately. I worry that there is not a single person out there who will be able to accept me for who I am, depressive episodes and all. honestly, that's all I want out of life: to meet someone who can accept me, and I'll return the favor without hesitation.

I cried and let it out with Rachel earlier, because I couldn't do this breakdown on my own. I hate breakdowns, and I try to avoid them at all costs. The part that I avoided this time was ransacking my entire room, trying to make literally everything different than it was before.

I am so lucky to have a little sister like mine. She brings me back down to earth when I'm beating myself up over the smallest of things, makes me feel like I'm special, and makes me feel like I'm worth something. She makes me laugh even when Im in the middle of a good cry. I love her so much, and I cant imagine my life without her.



Documenting Thoughts

I've been having a lot of thoughts lately about seemingly random stuff, but I feel as if all of these things are important for me to grasp, even though they're all jumbled up in my brain. So I'm going to take a little bit and just sort them out, because I cannot fathom them as the mess that they are.

I put this as a facebook status sometime last week, and it still holds true. " I'm trying to put into words what I've been thinking... I'm starting to realize the value that certain people hold, and it fills my heart with warm and fuzzy to have these people in my life. I'm also further realizing the value of people who are willing to stick by me through anything; I would not have survived as much as I have without them. Also, I'm appreciating long term friendship, and newer ones that were recently started. Thank you all for being apart of my life! I know I say this a lot, but I mean it every time; I love you all!"

Getting into a bit more detail, I've realized lately just how much value my little sister holds; she has been there in the midst of every little thing I've been through, and my brain was too clouded until recently to truly appreciate just how wonderful she is. I tell her now on a regular basis just how much I do value her, even if I'm not able to put into words just how much she truly does mean to me. I've also been counting my blessings when it comes to some friends I have, a few very lovely ladies who have come out of the cracks of my ruined old life and shown themselves as beacons of light that I've come to depend upon (Kimmi, my very best lady friend ever; Amber, one of my long-time friends who has been on the sidelines trying to help since the breakup and recently took me out to get shitfaced; Hayley, one of my friend's ladies who is very smart and funny and I'm lucky to know her). I'm also meeting a lot of really nice and fun and funny and down to earth people by trying to get back out there in the world. Even friends that I just started talking to again recently for whatever reason are proving to be diamonds in the rough. Why could I not see all of these people for who they are before? Why did it take me being broken and shattered to realize all of this? Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. In any case, I do love and appreciate the people in my life, and can't imagine life without them.

I was looking in the mirror earlier tonight, and I saw something in my reflection that I haven't seen in a very long time: beauty. Like most American women, my viewpoint of myself is clouded by our society. I don't like the fact that I have extra weight on me and don't have the drive to get rid of it. Really, that's my only bitching point about my body: I have extra fat that I don't like at all. Does size really matter that much? Apparently not because I have a sparkling personality and I somehow, magically, attract attention from the male gender. Don't ask me how I do it; until an hour or so ago I couldn't see myself clearly enough to describe myself as beautiful. Pretty, yes. But beautiful? Usually I just snort and say "thank you" when I receive that complement, thinking "you've got to be kidding me" on the inside. I'm actually happy that people don't see me as I do myself sometimes because I think that I wouldn't have ANY friends and no one would be able to love me; I'm my own worst critic, you see. Not that I'm not grateful for the attention of the male species and the love of people; it just shocks me sometimes. Anyway, so I finally see myself as beautiful, and can see what all of the hype is about. Despite the weight, I have a very pretty face, I tend to be bubbly when I'm not sick or in a depressive episode or angry at the world, my eyes are amazing, my smile is equally as amazing, I'm short and fun sized and could fit in your pocket, and I love adventure. Despite the many flaws that I can find within myself on a daily basis if I really wanted to, a man would be damn lucky to have me, and I'll go out on a limb to say that the people that I consider the most amazing people ever in my life as lucky to have me as well.

I spent two years trying to live inside one person's box of ideas on who I was. Honestly it didn't start off that way; I was secure in who I was. Slowly but surely, though, I let him take over and recognized more of him in myself than I did me. Actions and decisions that I made, and words that I said, were more often than not his. That wasn't a very healthy place for me, and I think that he knew it, but didn't want to hurt me any more than I wanted him to. He walked away when he thought he found just cause, and I suppose I should be grateful. If I were still with that person, I don't think I would have grown at all to fit inside my own skin. Hell, I'm still not there yet, but I'm getting there; I'm more comfortable and solid in myself than I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, this whole process of heartbreak, hitting rock bottom emotionally, and clawing myself out of a huge pit of despair while trying not to hurt myself was a fucking ridiculous hell that I never want to go through again, but I'm much better for it. I've committed myself to breaking out of the box of conceptions that people have about me; I'm more than a little sweet person. I've got a lot going on in this head of mine, and it's time that I shared and used every bit of it. It's time that I found my own political ideas and become established in my agnostic standing. It's time that I embrace every little personality flaw that I have, and maybe work on a few. Some I know I can't fuckin' change because I've tried to change them before, but others... other's are bendable. It's time that I found my own interests, which I am accomplishing. I just want to be capable of standing on my own in a world where you are, ultimately, alone, despite the people that may become a part of your life. I think I'm finally there, though I may need a little more time to just stand here and smell the orchids. anyway, so, I'm not living in your box. So anything that you're trying to label me with that is contrary to how I see myself is probably going to be tossed into oblivion, along with the many terrible ideas of stories that I've tried to write and bad my little pony drawings.

I've spent a lot of time cleaning my room and reorganizing everything, and honestly I think it's just a ploy to regain some control within my life and completely erase the heartbreaker from my life. I gave him everything that he gave me except the lava lamp because he cannot have my fucking lava lamp; I've wanted one since I was a kid and this thing almost broke and it's a miracle that it still lives. Plus he already got a fucking PS3 that I didn't want him to take anyway, so there. Aywho, I've been reorganizing pretty much everything that can go on a surface and reclaiming both sides of the room as mine and alphabatizing everything because I'm starting to get too OCD and I still don't think I'm done because there are two shelves that still have the same exact stuff on them that they did a few months ago and that just will not stand. Though I was kind of hoping that I could let that go, but it seems that I can't. Or maybe I can. I'm still on the fence about whether or not I want to put forth the effort. Which right now I really just do not. Though I do have the urge to do SOMETHING. Gah, anyway, the point of this paragraph is that I'm reclaiming my space and beginning to love it again.

Okay, well, I'm going to go be eccentric somewhere else and play Harry Potter Lego for the first time in a week.

Love you! Thanks for reading!



Waiting For Contentment to Find Me (A Prose Poem)

I am not used to being


For two years he was there:

My constant companion,

My "Best Friend."

They were two of the

Most challenging years

Of my



Imagine a roller coaster

With the steepest incline

You've ever seen,

And with an even steeper


That follows.

Now imagine one with many of those;

For every steep


There is a steeper


That was our life.

Did I love it?

Hell yes,


Did I love him?


All of the time,

Every day.

As long as I woke up next to him,

Life was good.

I was home.

He, however,

Wasn't so sure

That I was

The one.


A way out

Was not presented to him

Until well into our

Second year.

He tried to find one beforehand,

But was met with


Every time he tried to leave;

I had never done

Anything wrong

To deserve that kind of treatment.

He finally found it

In the form of

Me reading his journal,

And telling two of his closest friends

Intimate details.

Was I wrong

To do so?

Hell yes,

Even though my

Intentions were to


Him better -

The constant mood swings,

His constant sadness,

His lack of love for me,

The never ending selfishness,

The events of his past,

The feelings for his ex

That never seemed to

Go away.

Despite learning everything

About him,

I loved him.

When he found out that I, and others, did,

He grew angry

And left me.


Adjusting to life

Without him

Has been difficult.

I find myself alone

When I'm in desperate need

Of a calm voice,

Or a savior to talk me out

Of the crushing


He was always good at

Making me laugh

In the face of


He was always my

Voice of reason

In the presence of


And now,

It's just me,

Trying to find

My own laugh,

And my own voice.

Things have become clearer,

And I'm so close that I can taste it.


Do I miss him

As he is now?


I do not know

That person.

I do not know that

Inconsiderate man

Who cannot find it

In his heart

To forgive

And love


I miss who he was

In the beginning,

When we first got together;

I miss trying to

Find that man again,

And glimpsing him

Every so often.

I miss the constant


I miss the man who

Knew me so well

That I didn't even

Have to voice

Emotion -

Whatever I felt,

He somehow knew.


That man does not



In a way, it's like

My other half has


And I will never

See him


I think that's where

The most sadness comes from -

Knowing that I

Will never see

That person


Will I survive the breakup?

Indeed I have,

The past four months being quite the challenge,

Though parts of me are more


Than I would like.

Did he survive it?

The man I knew didn't,

But most of the

Person he is now



My sister has been


In helping me


She has been by

My side

Through the depression,



Recovering from

Mental and Emotional



Perhaps my constant companion

Will never be in

The form of a



Like Jane Austen,

I am meant to thrive on

Being mate-less,

Writing many an

Amazing piece of literature,

My also mate-less


By my side.

A worse life

Could be imagined;

I could lose her, too,

And be forever lost.


I am working on

Living in the moment again,

No matter how


That moment may be.

After all,

"Pain demands to be felt."

I'm sure happiness is

Within my reach.

I just need to give

Happiness some time

To reach me.

Contentment is a

Different story altogether,

But I'm sure it, too,

Will eventually find


(The words in quotations are from "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green)


People Suck

I need to add a disclaimer before I lose myself entirely to the rant that will take off after this: not everyone sucks. I know some very good people, who support, love, and care for many other people more than themselves. These people don't suck; these people are people that I honestly wish there were more of. To those of you who are like this, thank you.

I would also like to say that the problem isn't always with other people; I accept the fact that I suck too, but I deny sucking nearly as much as other people in this world, or in this blog.

I've been very, very angry lately about how much people suck. I honestly tried very hard before then to ignore it and give humanity, despite it's many flaws, the benefit of the doubt. But lately, I've encountered so many moronic assholes that I can't ignore it anymore. Not that all of these people mentioned are moronic assholes, just that, you know, a lot of people are.

There was this guy that added me out of the blue on Facebook a few weeks ago named John (yes, his real name, since there are a million and one Johns out there) who confessed to liking me in high school and kind of wanted to give dating a shot in the not so distant past. I thought "Hey, what the Hell? This guy seems nice and honest and genuine, and I need a guy like that." I decided to at least try to give him a chance, despite the fact that he has BiPolar disorder, and that disorder scares the Hell out of me. My most recent ex had it, and it led to a lot of emotional turmoil within our relationship and me being fucked in the head after (seriously; I don't think that people even like hearing from me half of the time anymore). We hung out twice; he ran me on some errands one time, and we went for a walk another time. Both times were nice, but I wasn't interested in progressing it further, though I knew he was. I wasn't attracted to him, and we got into a fight one night about me avoiding the fact that he said he was "moderately attractive." I tried, I really did try, to like this guy and roll with it, but it just... didn't feel right. He was too negative of a person for me, and I don't feel like it would have ever meshed with the positive person that I try to be. I was busy for two days in which I did a lot of stuff and took some me time, and he ended up taking it personally and getting mad. Then I went out with some friends, got drunk, and asked one of my friend's friends for their number (which I do not have). This resulted in him overreacting and blowing up and blaming me for his foul mood and blah blah. He blocked me on facebook after accusing me of playing Mind Games with him.

One, we were not fucking dating, at all. We were hanging out, that's it. Two, since we were not dating, I had every right to ask for that guy's number, even if he did look at me like I was a three headed dragon. Three, he acted like we were in a relationship and that I needed to text him daily. I know I'm guilty of being like that, but I'm able to understand the concept of "Hey I've been busy;" he wasn't. When I told him that he was slightly overreacting, he blew up. Four, I'm not the same person that I was my sophomore year of high school; life has personally seen to that. Would I want to be that same miserable, awkward girl? No. Well, I am still more or less miserable and awkward, but not that awkward!

I just can't even begin to explain how pissed off and trapped I felt through this whole experience; it made me feel like I was with my ex again, having to be conscience of every little movement I made, lest I set off a ticking time bomb. I will NOT do that again, ever. If you can't handle me in my bad moments (which usually don't come in the form of drunk-assery, and do come in the form of depression episodes most often), then you sure as fucking Hell don't deserve to have me during the good ones.

On a side note, people who take advantage of people with broken hearts suck. I had that happen to me a few months ago, and if I still had that dick-face's number, I would give him an earful. Just because I'm shattered to a million pieces does not mean you can use me and make it look like it's my fault, kay thanks.

People who try to control my life definitely suck. Just because I'm not living your version of the life that I've chosen for myself doesn't mean that I'm never going to be fulfilled or get anywhere in life. Chill out, I've got this.

So there are my three personal experiences with sucky people. On to discussing some more!

Stuck up people suck. Just because you're a size five does not make you better than me. Just because our sense of humors aren't the same doesn't mean you can make fun of me or discuss me behind my back. Just because you fall into the socially acceptable definition of "normal" and I don't doesn't make you better than me.

Narrow minded people suck, very much. I used to be one of them, and dear god am I glad that it eventually did pass. Just because people aren't the same as you does not mean they are any less valuable. I've met some very diverse people throughout my 23 years of living, and even though I may not like everything about them, I value them very much.

People who get onto other people about speaking like a sailor suck. Bitch, damn, Hell, and Fuck are just words; they don't mean anything unless directed at a certain person. No, the fact that I use them does not mean that I'm not educated; I achieved my associates degree, and did a damn good job. No, just because I use these words often doesn't mean I don't know when the appropriate time to use them is; I can use them at home, but something tells me that using them around the two and three year olds that I teach isn't such a good idea.

People who think that homosexuals within the United States shouldn't be allowed to marry suck. The constitution says that everyone should have equal rights; not everyone "but those damn gay people!" You will often hear these people say "The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin!' or "The Bible says 'Adam and Eve,' not 'Adam and Steve'!" One, your argument is automatically invalid because the constitution calls for a separation of church (any religion) and state. Two, nowhere in the Bible does God himself ever say that homosexuality is a sin. He does say in Leviticus for man not to lie with another man, yes, but where in it does it say for women not to have sex with women, or members of the same gender not to love each other? Nowhere. God is loves the homosexuals too. Get over it. Paul may say that it's not okay, but does his opinion really matter when compared to God's? Think about it.

People who let their religious views turn them into negative people and extremists suck. No, you shouldn't go murder massive amounts of people to show them that God loves them, or to get them to convert OR DIE! No, you shouldn't blow yourselves and countless others up because you think that your god will love you forever and ever and you'll be rewarded handsomely in the afterlife. No, I am not going to Hell just because I don't believe that your god is the supreme god, or because I don't believe that this Jesus fellow was the actual Messiah. No, I don't want you to pray for me, because after experiencing Christianity and Judaism, I'm just done with this thing that is "religion." No, I don't think that the concept of being saved by grace makes sense. No, your New Testament does not make any sense when lined up with the Old Testament. No, the Old Testament was not abolished, ever, by God himself within scripture.

People who can't think for themselves absolutely and 100% do suck. I used to be the lead person in this little band of people; I never questioned anything for awhile there. Don't be a piece of livestock! Question everything. Question your government, your college professors, your religious beliefs, people of authority (to some degree), and, most importantly, your parents. Don't just sit there and take the information they're giving you without evaluating it and seeing if it sits well with you. If it does, great, apply it. If it doesn't, great, throw it out.

If you're a person who has raped, murdered, or stolen from someone, you suck times infinity. If you're a person who uses people and takes advantage of their kindness, well, fuck you, and stop sucking so damn much.

The world would be better with much more selfless and straight forward people. In my perfect world, everyone would be like that, and dating would consist of "hey, I like you, let's see each other often" instead of "let's play the dating game; you're losing!"

I guess I'll end this entry here.

Gah I'm tired of people sucking so much.



What a Great Labor Day Weekend!

Friday I worked the normal shift and did absolutely nothing besides lounge around that night.

Saturday I drove Rachel and I out to Dallas for Anime Fest, only to have to turn around as soon as we pulled into a parking lot to get her pass. Once we got there the second time, we went and shopped through the various artists' work and the Dealer's Room. I bought quite a few things that day, like a Psyduck plushie that I had when I was a kid but it got thrown away for some reason; the Love crest (Sora's crest) from Digimon; a few pieces of Avatar The Lat Airbender art; a messenger bag and cell phone charm for Rachel; and two packs of Pokemon cards for myself. Rachel and I both donated blood, the process of which I had no idea takes ten minutes to do. I was fine until I asked how long it would take, and when she said ten minutes but I was almost done, it felt like I was having a panic attack; I couldn't breath very well and felt very, very strange. I let her know and she got me some water and put ice packs around my head, after which she had me remove my cosplay wig. She then handed me a barf bag just in case I threw up, because I was feeling very sick. Luckily she removed the needle shortly after all of this started, so I was able to recover slowly while eating a snack and picking out a free T-shirt, after I was able to get out of their handy dandy chair. We went to a Harry Potter panel with "cast" members who were really cosplayers, and it was hilarious fun; I loved every minute of it. Then we went to a semi-formal ball, in which I danced with one guy who was into engineering (I do NOT feel smart enough for engineering people, I truly don't; they understand an entire different part of the world than I do, and I feel bad that I can't seem to grasp it), asked two other guys to dance (one who accepted then ran off, and one who had blisters on his heels), and did a whole lot of people watching and picture taking. We left Dallas shortly after that, only to get lost on the highways and interstates for almost an hour before figuring out how to get home. I was so angry that I let out a scream, and Rachel was like "What is your problem!?" We finally made it home and I made sure to look up the return directions so we could get home more easily on Sunday.

Sunday was spent mostly being lazy for a few hours before leaving to head out to Dallas, snapping pictures of whoever I could find, spending the remainder of the money that I had allotted for Anime Fest on art, a Mario drawstring backpack, a cute owl plush and a bunny clip for Rachel. We pretty much just walked around shopping, grabbed some food, and ended up waiting in line for the cosplay competition for a couple of hours. It was fun; we sat by a Link who ended up joining a group of people playing Uno, so there was much hilarity in that. I took random pictures of cosplayers that I happened to see and a random video that resulted out of pure boredom. The cosplay competition was amazing; I had so much fun watching the emceees do their thing and seeing all of the amazing skits that these fellow nerds put together with much blood, sweat and tears. We actually started it off by singing the Pokemon theme song, which made it that much more awesome. We left after the competition and got lost for a bit before finally finding the highway and using my directions to get us back home.

Monday I spent much of the day lounging around and texting the guy that I met off of plenty of fish, eventually making plans to head out to his house to hang out for the night. We had a great time; I really, really enjoy going over there and hanging out with him. I like him a lot. We watched "Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law" for awhile, of which he will bust out laughing at really hilarious parts, making it that much more fun to watch. We went to WalMart for beer and snacks, and I finally found the Pokemon: Black and White book that I use to put my cards in the right order (after searching four different WalMarts for it). We went back to his house to eat pizza and drink beer, taking pause to do some personal things, and watched some of "The Big Lebowski," which he can quote line by line through the entire movie (it got annoying after awhile, but I still found it amusing). Then we switched to... something, then after I called Rachel and checked in we watched a movie about the wonders of Space on his 3D TV, which is friggen awesome. I stayed the night over there and dozed off while Archer was playing in the background. I had to leave super early, so I tried waking him up early but found out that he can be kind of cranky in the morning (can't we all be, though? I'm only a morning person when I absolutely have to be; otherwise, forget it). I said goodbye around 8:30 a.m. and drove home, passing out soon after I got home to take a quick nap before having to get ready and go to work.

As much as I love getting back into the dating world and meeting a person that I genuinely do like and think hit things off well with, I'm still slightly terrified. I almost panicked because I was plagued with "what if" thoughts that were fairly negative. I worry that despite all of the good things happening lately (A-Fest, this great guy, my new kiddos, figuring myself out and finally growing a pair of lady balls, etc) that the negative will eventually take over again. I was slapped in the face repeatedly there for awhile, what with a breakup, my depression taking me to places I didn't want to go, dating someone only to get dumped again, being cut out of people's lives, having gossip spread about me at work, that I worry that shit like that will happen again, all at once. It's not anybody's fault; just something I need to work through.

Anyway, so yeah, I like this guy and I could gush about him quite a bit but I'm going to wait and see where whatever-this-is goes to gush over him on here; I don't necessarily want to scare him.

I suppose that's all for now. Hope you're all doing well!



What It Feels Like To Be My Own Person

My friend Josh decided that we could no longer interact, so I've blocked him from Facebook. Mason doesn't want me in his life, so I blocked and deleted him from everything that I could possibly think of, including this site if he's signed into his ID, which I'm sure he never will again. I'm learning that if people don't want me in their lives, or can't let me live my own without constantly expecting me to follow a different idea of life, I don't need them. If you can't love and support me, I don't need you. I have lost so many people through the break up process, and even a few that have just decided to walk on out of my life. Life is no different without them, with the exception of Mason, and that's to be expected. Though I've come to the conclusion that I don't need Mason. I may have wanted him in my life, but I do not need him. I'm living a well enough life without having to cater to whatever whim he decides he wants to pursue.

I had my first meet the teacher night last week, and my first teacher in-service day last week on Friday. Both were really fun; I love the parents of the kids that I get to teach, and the kids that I met are super cute and sweet and I can't wait to teach them, and the in-service day was nice since I was able to finally bond with people without kiddos around, and I learned /a lot/.

Single life isn't so bad. I can do whatever I want. I have my own waking and sleeping hours. I don't feel bad for wanting to see my family. I don't feel bad for having guy friends. I don't feel bad for working extra hours. Though I do miss having a constant companion sometimes, mainly having Mason around, I'm learning to live as a single woman again, which, though challenging, is proving to be rewarding.

I made a plenty of fish account, and have met a few really nice guys through that. Mostly it's just talking and figuring out how to be their friend, but there's one in particular that I've met already who I find very attractive and funny and nice. I hung out with him on Saturday (I took Rachel with me as my muscle), and we had a great time just hanging around his house and watching movies, getting free presents for cleaning his room, and he downloaded some games for me to put on my laptop when I get it back from the shop. I've been talking to another guy who is pretty much me in man form, and I'm him in lady form; it's weird what all we have in common. We have yet to meet, but our talks are fun.

I guess, in short: I'm getting back out there, and I'm feeling emotionally normal for the first time in two months. I feel like I'm in a better place faster because I actually dealt with the break up and made my feelings known, and that's awesome; I couldn't wait to feel normal again.

Alrighty, I'm out! <3


Feeling Better

So it's been a month and a half since Mason walked away, and I'm finally feeling like myself. I no longer lay there crying every single day, and I no longer watch "Toddlers and Tiaras." I no longer send sappy text or facebook messages to him, begging him to take me back. I'm at peace, finally. I realize that not everything that happened was my fault; it was as much him as it was me. I still maintain that I tried very hard to keep the relationship going, so hard that it increased my depression at certain points, and almost wish that I would have walked away first. I was not treated very well, even though he claimed to love me. He may still love me; if he does, he does not let me know he does. Though I would love another opportunity to date him, even still, I would expect him to treat me much better the second time around. I wouldn't take any bullshit.

Other than that, not a whole lot is going on. I've been working any hours I want, getting my yearly checkup at the female doctor's, and doing small projects around the house (cleaning the garage, cleaning out a couple of cabinets, putting towels away, making a dry erase calendar). I've seen a few friends here and there. I got my Defensive Driving out of the way (speeding tickets are so not worth it, by the way). I've been going to see my grandma every other weekend. I've been reading novels, one after the other. I made a cake, and accidentally burned my hand when I tried to take it out of the oven. I got a new tattoo on my wrist that says "Love <3 Yourself," and cut and dyed my hair.

I still love my job, and my kids, and feel like I'm doing a great job at it. I put 100% of my effort into getting the art for the kids ready, giving them the attention that they need, and enjoying them while they're there. Though, as I was going through a hard patch without my depression medication, I talked to a couple of the teachers there and told them everything that's been going through my head, everything that I've encountered throughout my break up and dating experiment, and gossip about me spread like wildfire. I was spoken to by the director, after which I ran to the bathroom and cried for twenty minutes, then went back to work crying off and on for another hour, and I talked to her the next day and cleared some major miscommunications up. That week finally ended, I've finally learned a lesson about who I let in and tell secrets, and I'm hoping to just move forward and enjoy my next work week.

I get to go to Sea World for the first time EVER with one of my guy friends that has been in and out of my life since 8th grade, and I'm very excited because I get to go to FREAKIN SEA WORLD! but also very excited since I get to see one of the people that I haven't seen in forever.

I was just reading through some old entries and realized that I never addressed stuff from them. Mom's ankle is fully healed and fine. We got a Kia Spectra that didn't last long, and traded it in for a Nissan Versa, which we aaaaaallll love. The Versa is our only car at the moment, so I've been getting dropped off and picked up quite a bit from work. Dad did end up going to jail for two weeks, and was back home before we knew it. One of my uncles, however, is in prison for a DUI, and will be up for parole soon.

Alrighty, guess that's all I have to update you with today. I'll write soon!




So, unless you're my friend on facebook and have been constantly keeping up with me (which, there are people who have, and I honestly do appreciate their support and caring), you wouldn't have heard that Mason broke up with me. Notice how I worded that. Mason broke up with me; it wasn't a mutual decision. I wanted us to work, and tried my hardest to keep him happy. I did one large thing wrong, and everything blew up in my face.

Almost two weeks ago, on Sunday, a friend spilled a secret that I hadn't intended to keep; I read his journal five months ago while he was gone for a week, and intended to tell him once I felt that he was better, but never did - time rushes by for me, very quickly, such that I don't even realize that it's gotten away. I was also reading his text messages, which got worse after he saw his ex behind my back (and then he decided that he truly does want to be with me). The thing that pisses me off is that I didn't bail - I stayed put. I stood my ground with him and tried my damndest to make things right. When you're in a relationship, you do everything in your power to make it work.

He didn't. The first moment he felt hurt, or like his trust for me had been broken, he bailed. No warning. He dropped me, a woman that had been by his side for the past two years despite being hurt numerous times.

He came and got his stuff on Father's Day, when I was out at the movies with my dad and sister. When I got home, all of it was gone (or, all that he cared about). I was crushed; I didn't know what was going on yet, or how truly angry he was. He confronted me about the journal and I was completely honest; I was honest about what I told a friend that's like his brother and a girl that's, supposedly, like his sister. I've apologized numerous times and have accepted my part of blame for everything, admitting that what I did was wrong, but my intentions were good - I wanted to better understand that man I was with, though waiting would have probably been better.

For the past two weeks, I have been miserable. For the first, I tried my hardest to reconcile (reading the confession I wrote, inviting him to a counseling session that he only attended because he wanted me to "understand that we're done," and having a final talk to figure things out), couldn't look in the freezer because it was food that we went out and bought together, I cried if I was left alone for too long, the amount of work that I could do at my job suffered (I've been going in an hour later because nap time was just too hard), and my sleep pattern has been awful. Another guy came to my aid and gave me cuddles and kisses to feel better, but I don't; I feel bad because I still have such strong feelings for Mason. I feel bad because I could never give this guy what he wants. I feel bad because the things that annoy me about him I could never look past like I did with Mason; I realized that no matter how annoying Mason got, I was always able to get over it because I was still with him.

To me, Mason is home. I feel so lost without him being a daily part of my life; he's wanted room to figure himself out, which I've given him this past week other than having him come drop something off and trying to get him to pick stuff up.

Along with the attention from another guy, I've resorted to getting a TON of pokemon cards; flipping through my binder makes me happy, at least for a little while. I've been so blessed to have seventeen smiling faces to see five days out of the week; they hug me and are so happy to see me that it's hard to be unhappy around them.

I am trying to be optimistic, but honestly the true way I feel is this: No amount of attention from another man, Pokemon cards, or hugs from these blessings that are called children is enough. I was telling my sister that I don't think it'll ever be enough. I want to work things out. I want to be with Mason. I want my home back. I want my feeling of stability and love back, and those long, strong arms wrapped around me, squeezing just enough to let me know that he never wants to let me go.

That's what I want. For us to be back to normal. No, better than normal. To be happy together, which I think we could have a real shot at if he would be willing to give it a second shot.

I really miss him. I just want to be happy and feel at home again.


Non-Jewish Cat

This post isn't about a non-Jewish cat, but it was the only thing that came to mind to title it.

I'm honestly too tired to be too detailed, but I felt like updating a bit.
Yesterday I went to the Arts Festival with Mason, his sister, her husband and kiddo. It was nice; I bought a few art pieces, we ate at a chocolate factory, went to a frozen yogurt shoppe and ate that, and went to Barnes and Noble and bought too much money worth of stuff. I just checked my account, actually, and I only have $29 left out of my paycheck. I need to keep track of my money better...
We went to see my grandma on Saturday, and it was nice because I got to cuddle cute animals, make brownies and pizza, play sorry with the cousins, introduce them to "Red," one of my favorite comedy movies lately, and actually have a full, meaningful conversation with my grandma (who got diagnosed with Alzheimers recently). The drive there and back was good; Ethan and Owen went with me, and we listened to random music the entire way there and back.
I get to go to Scarborough Faire on Saturday with Mason and his family.
I'm working on editing a potential novel.
I've been reading a ton of books.
Uh, yeah. And more stuff that I don't remember.



Why Hello

So I haven't updated in a couple of weeks, of which I have been pretty busy.

Oscar hasn't stayed over since that first night; he fit well here, but is more comfortable at his home.

I've been working for the past two weeks with the kids, and let me tell you... it's been chaotic. The first week was all about finding my place in the classroom and the kiddos definitely tested their limits with me to see how I would act. Toward the end of the week, they were listening a lot better. The second week went more smoothly, since I was more established, though we did have a tornado drill where we had to evacuate the classrooms and sit in the hallway. The kiddos have been fascinating to get to know; each kiddo has their own background and way of handling things, bringing new surprises every day. I start my third week tomorrow, which I hope will go very smoothly and bring more good surprises.

I went to the doctor on Thursday morning about my anxiety problems, because they have honestly been getting much worse over the past couple of weeks. I started crying a couple of times, because it's hard to retell things that are bothering you to a complete stranger, and feeling like a freak show because you don't know what's going on with you. The nurse practitioner made me feel like an idiot, saying that instead of having an anxiety problem it sounded like I was just insecure, so that didn't help. The other woman doctor that I talked to was very nice and asked questions to get a better understanding. I explained how tired I am all of the time, how snappy I've been getting because I just can't handle a lot of things at once anymore, how far I feel from my family and Mason (despite the fact that I know our relationships are fine), etc. She left and came back with the doctor about fifteen minutes later, who told me that some of my anxiety symptoms mimic those of depression, and that they were going to put me on this medication (the knock off of Paxel) that already seems to be helping. The doctor said that I'll be having a better time sleeping in about two weeks, which I appreciate because I usually spend half of the night tossing and turning.

I'm going to take a moment to rethank someone who probably doesn't know this Blog exists, the director of my work place. I had a break down because I couldn't get into a psychiatrist, and she was able to console me and help me get the number to my personal family doctor and allowed me to make an appointment. Thank you, so much. Without your support, I couldn't have made the appointment and started my journey toward feeling more human.

The medicine freaked me out for a couple of days. It makes me slightly sleepy, and when it mixes with the Mucinex I've been taking it pretty much knocks me out, so I can't take that very often. At times, I worry that I can't feel emotion, but realize that 'scared' and 'worried' are states of emotion. I didn't cry during "The Hunger Games" like I should have, which is weird; I always cry at sad parts in movies. I got scared during one part, but not as scared as I usually would have. Mason says I'm probably just starting to experience what Stable feels like, instead of having my emotions all over the place like they usually are. I'm actually pretty excited; I'll get to experience Life without worrying all of the time and crying randomly for no reason.

Friday night we had a Passover Seder at Mason's sister's, and ate some lovely delicious food. Saturday we hung out with Besta and Chelsea for the day; we ran a bunch of random errands, saw 'The Hunger Games' (which I genuinely liked), ate at Wingstop, went to Libby's, went walking to a bridge with a creek underneath (and a railroad track near it; I finally conquered my fear of it), then went home shortly after watching an episode of "Glee." Today, Mason and I have been pretty much relaxing; it was pouring rain outside earlier, so it was nice to sleep in a bit and stay indoors. We watched some Netflix, played Black Ops, he's playing Final Fantasy 13, and we got groceries from WalMart during the dry part of the early evening.

I'm suddenly pretty much zapped of most of my energy. I'll write soon.



Feeling A Lot Better

A couple of weeks have gone by, and I actually feel quite a bit better.
We were able to procure a rental car, called the Cube, so we have a car to run errands in. I LOVE this car. I would honestly keep it if they gave us an option to keep it for free (like that would ever happen...).
I have a job that I'm starting tomorrow at 1 p.m. at a private preschool, and I'm honestly very excited about it. And nervous. But mostly excited, which is actually an achievement for me. There are so many policies that I have to keep in mind while working with the kids, who I'm pretty excited to meet. This past week on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I had a lot of training and two classes to go through. I am now certified in First Aid and CPR, and am able to recognize abuse in children. I have been fingerprinted and tested for TB (which I am negative for, thank goodness. I didn't have a doubt, but it was still a scary thought to come out positive). I think I am plenty ready to interact with the kiddos, but know that there will be tons of surprises that will pop up when working with them.
By the end of this week I was completely ready to relax and have a quiet few days without training and errands, so I went with Mason to see his dad, and we took his dog Oscar with us. Oscar is a great car ride dog; he just wandered around in my lap and looked out whatever window he could. We went out to eat at several places, including On the Border, Grandma's Cafe, IHOP, and Logan's Steakhouse. We went to a place called Chandor Gardens, which Mason's dad didn't even know existed. We took Oscar to Weatherford Lake and hung out at the Marina for a bit, and took him to Holland Lakes Park to walk along the trails and such with us. And we watched some TV, which consisted of A LOT of "Storage Wars" and "Dances With Wolves." We drove by the High School, which looked like a college campus, and the real college campus, which looked pretty nice. It was a fun visit, and I enjoyed seeing the more beautiful aspects of Weatherford.
We came back to my house tonight and are having a trial to see if Oscar can get along with my cats and family. My cats had NO idea how to react at first; three of the four stared at him intently to see what he would do, and three have already hissed at him at least once. Sandy didn't like him, but he's mostly an outdoor cat now so we don't have to worry about it. Fang is pretty taken aback by him, but otherwise he seems okay. Tigger is more inquisitive, and Kitty Kitty is now used to him being in the bed with us but is very reserved about how much interaction she has with him. My family really likes him, and think he's pretty cute. Right now both Oscar and Kitty Kitty are in the bed taking it easy; I hope they're able to get along fairly well. I want our pets to be able to coexist, and not have to worry about territorial wars over us. I've tried reassuring Kitty Kitty that it's still her bed and I'm her human, and I think that's working some.
Other than these things, I'm sure I've hung out with a few friends (there was one night where we had two different TVs going while playing Black Ops and Soul Calibor on them), and have been playing a ton of video games (Super Mario Bros, Super Mario World, Pokepark Wii, Black Ops), but reeeally want to go into detail with those things. I'm getting kind of sleepy and I'm ready to play some Black Ops!
Iiii don't know what else I can say. I start work tomorrow afternoon, and I'm pretty excited.
Arighty. I'll update later.



I Feel Trapped (A Cry-Baby Blog)

At this point in my life, there are a few things that I feel are trapping me.
The one thing, the root of it all right now, is the lack of money. I don't have money of my own, because I don't have a job. I applied for one, got an interview, but wasn't hired. I applied for a few today, two close to home, in the hopes of getting one that I could walk to if I really have to.
Which brings us to my next point: I don't have a car to do anything. I've been relying on Mason, who is so very nice and gracious when it comes to me using his car or giving me rides or running errands with me, but I feel really bad because it's been so excessive for so long. I am very thankful to him for being so understanding and awesome when it comes to my lack of a car and needing rides places.
Today, my mom wrecked our good car and most likely totaled it. This is the second time she's wrecked that car, and this time none of us think it's coming home. We're getting our ONLY car, that is broken, fixed on Sunday thanks to my aunt's nephew, so that'll be nice. Mom is okay, but she has a broken ankle, which means that someone has to drive her to and from her classes, which it will most likely be me since Rachel doesn't have a license and everyone is pretty sure dad's going to jail for awhile.
After mom got into her accident, she called me and wanted me to come up to the scene of the accident, even though there were EMTs there and I had NO way to get there, besides Mason who had to work at 6 p.m. I felt terrible, trapped in my ability to do absolutely nothing for her. We could have gone up to the hospital, but we wouldn't have been able to stay long since she got there, finally, around 3:30 or 4 this afternoon.
I feel trapped within my immediate family. I love them, but I'm at the point where I need my own space, and want my own place. But in order to get my own place I need money, a job and a car, none of which I have. I feel bad because I literally cannot help them right now; I can't take them to run errands most of the time, and I can't help pay for anything...
On top of feeling trapped, I feel guilty and confused constantly. Guilty because I'm told that they want me at home more, or I can't help run that errand. Confused because I don't know what my mom wants. Does she want me to be at home, or get out? Does she want me to have that money to spend, or does she want me to hang on to it for nothing in particular?
I also feel very stagnant in my life, because I'm literally doing nothing right now. I'm watching TV shows, being on facebook, and reading books. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with Mason all day, and getting to relax a lot, but I need a job or something to keep me busy. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore; teaching seemed like the thing to do for awhile, but now I want to write and do something else. I don't know if I want to return to school or anything like that yet. I need a car first so I can commute, because I'm not terribly interested in living on campus.

I think I'll stop here. As you can see, I have a few problems and I wanted to get them out. Nothing to get upset or mad over; just expressing feelings.
See you later



So It's Been Almost A Year...

I can't believe I just left this blog sitting here for a year. I didn't even mean to be snarky when I said I /might/ write; I knew I would, even if it was a few weeks or months down the line. But almost an entire year? What the crap?

There is no way to fill you in on everything, so here are random events...
Scarborough Fair was awesome.
I got to go to the zoo and see an exhibit type thing called Dinosaurs Unleashed, and it was awesome; I got to see a T-Rex and its baby, even.
Mason and I have had several ups and downs in the last few months, but we somehow manage to work it out and stay together, which I am extremely blessed and thankful for. We celebrated our one year anniversary by going to the Dallas World Aquarium, which was spectacular. Who knew that an entire day looking at fish and monkeys would be fun?? We did : ) We also went out to dinner on the actual day, August 30th, to feel more date-like. I love going on dates with him... I think we need more of those.
I turned 23.
I celebrated every single holy day in 2011. All of them. And got to celebrate my second Hanukkah.
I've celebrated many a birthday with many people.
I went to the Texas State Fair with Mason's family.
I spoiled my sister on her birthday.
I've visited my grandma and uncle, who is going to prison soon unfortunately.
I've been frustrated with family drama that's occurred, and mad that I have to be a second parent to my sister, and a surrogate parent to my mother when times call for them. I have felt misplaced in my life, and like my own family isn't technically mine anymore, maybe. I have felt cheated because I do so much for others when I can, and rarely receive things in return. I have felt like there's a huge hole inside of me that isn't filled all of the time. I have felt abandoned by my friends, and like I've abandoned them; I haven't seen /any/ of the ones I had before Mason in at least two months, and know that it's entirely my fault.
I have felt extremely loved by both mine and Mason's families. I have felt extremely taken care of by my man. I have loved my man with all of my heart, and tried to do anything that I possibly can for him. I have been to many fun and exciting events with both families and a ton of friends this past year. I had a ton of fun in 2011, and am having a relaxing 2012 so far (might as well while I can, yes?).
In short, the negatives and positives of the events and how I felt last year have balanced themselves out.
I survived my last semester of school at the "two year college" and can now graduate and move on with my life starting in the Spring.
I need a job, and applied somewhere, but should apply to other places.
I took a Hebrew class and skipped three weeks because Mason and I just can't pay her what we owe; neither of our families are too well off, and my mother can't afford to help me pay for my portion anymore. I need a job in order to continue, and if neither of us get one, we can't. I feel very terrible because our Hebrew teacher's husband, a loving Jewish man to his wife and family, has cancer - they have literally no income right now, and we can't help the situation until we get things going in our own lives.
I was at my family's Christmas celebration, and that was lovely. I missed having us all there and happy.
I made my aunt cry on Thanksgiving because I was being a hellion the day before and made a turkey despite the fact that everyone agreed to keep it simple. No, not one of my proudest moments; she and my uncle were only there for about an hour, and she avoided me the entire time until I tried to speak to her.
I'm actually not proud of how I've acted on several occasions. I don't know what it is that causes me to behave the way I do... I get so anxious and I feel stretched too thin and I just... explode, and usually at people who don't deserve it. I don't want to be that way, so I'm focusing on changing things a little bit at a time.
I'm going to try to start writing again, though I have no idea if I'll blog again. If I think about it again I may.
I celebrated New Year's Eve at home with Mason, our friend Libby and her boyfriend. We went up to the pool hall eventually and rang in the new year playing pool with another of Mason's friends, and his girlfriend (who we double dated with to see Sherlock Holmes the other day). Then we all went to IHOP, then back to Libby's for her Hookah, then came home to watch "Super 8" and smoke the hookah. We took them home around five in the morning, and passed out ourselves.

Again, I'm not doing 2011 or the beginning of 2012 justice at all. I just thought I would pop in and say I'm alive. I hope to continue my blogging adventure, because honestly blogging helps me keep everything in line, and preserves the memories that I've had over the past year or so.