2/29/2012

I Feel Trapped (A Cry-Baby Blog)

At this point in my life, there are a few things that I feel are trapping me.
The one thing, the root of it all right now, is the lack of money. I don't have money of my own, because I don't have a job. I applied for one, got an interview, but wasn't hired. I applied for a few today, two close to home, in the hopes of getting one that I could walk to if I really have to.
Which brings us to my next point: I don't have a car to do anything. I've been relying on Mason, who is so very nice and gracious when it comes to me using his car or giving me rides or running errands with me, but I feel really bad because it's been so excessive for so long. I am very thankful to him for being so understanding and awesome when it comes to my lack of a car and needing rides places.
Today, my mom wrecked our good car and most likely totaled it. This is the second time she's wrecked that car, and this time none of us think it's coming home. We're getting our ONLY car, that is broken, fixed on Sunday thanks to my aunt's nephew, so that'll be nice. Mom is okay, but she has a broken ankle, which means that someone has to drive her to and from her classes, which it will most likely be me since Rachel doesn't have a license and everyone is pretty sure dad's going to jail for awhile.
After mom got into her accident, she called me and wanted me to come up to the scene of the accident, even though there were EMTs there and I had NO way to get there, besides Mason who had to work at 6 p.m. I felt terrible, trapped in my ability to do absolutely nothing for her. We could have gone up to the hospital, but we wouldn't have been able to stay long since she got there, finally, around 3:30 or 4 this afternoon.
I feel trapped within my immediate family. I love them, but I'm at the point where I need my own space, and want my own place. But in order to get my own place I need money, a job and a car, none of which I have. I feel bad because I literally cannot help them right now; I can't take them to run errands most of the time, and I can't help pay for anything...
On top of feeling trapped, I feel guilty and confused constantly. Guilty because I'm told that they want me at home more, or I can't help run that errand. Confused because I don't know what my mom wants. Does she want me to be at home, or get out? Does she want me to have that money to spend, or does she want me to hang on to it for nothing in particular?
I also feel very stagnant in my life, because I'm literally doing nothing right now. I'm watching TV shows, being on facebook, and reading books. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with Mason all day, and getting to relax a lot, but I need a job or something to keep me busy. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore; teaching seemed like the thing to do for awhile, but now I want to write and do something else. I don't know if I want to return to school or anything like that yet. I need a car first so I can commute, because I'm not terribly interested in living on campus.

I think I'll stop here. As you can see, I have a few problems and I wanted to get them out. Nothing to get upset or mad over; just expressing feelings.
See you later

<3