9/29/2012

Documenting Thoughts

I've been having a lot of thoughts lately about seemingly random stuff, but I feel as if all of these things are important for me to grasp, even though they're all jumbled up in my brain. So I'm going to take a little bit and just sort them out, because I cannot fathom them as the mess that they are.

I put this as a facebook status sometime last week, and it still holds true. " I'm trying to put into words what I've been thinking... I'm starting to realize the value that certain people hold, and it fills my heart with warm and fuzzy to have these people in my life. I'm also further realizing the value of people who are willing to stick by me through anything; I would not have survived as much as I have without them. Also, I'm appreciating long term friendship, and newer ones that were recently started. Thank you all for being apart of my life! I know I say this a lot, but I mean it every time; I love you all!"

Getting into a bit more detail, I've realized lately just how much value my little sister holds; she has been there in the midst of every little thing I've been through, and my brain was too clouded until recently to truly appreciate just how wonderful she is. I tell her now on a regular basis just how much I do value her, even if I'm not able to put into words just how much she truly does mean to me. I've also been counting my blessings when it comes to some friends I have, a few very lovely ladies who have come out of the cracks of my ruined old life and shown themselves as beacons of light that I've come to depend upon (Kimmi, my very best lady friend ever; Amber, one of my long-time friends who has been on the sidelines trying to help since the breakup and recently took me out to get shitfaced; Hayley, one of my friend's ladies who is very smart and funny and I'm lucky to know her). I'm also meeting a lot of really nice and fun and funny and down to earth people by trying to get back out there in the world. Even friends that I just started talking to again recently for whatever reason are proving to be diamonds in the rough. Why could I not see all of these people for who they are before? Why did it take me being broken and shattered to realize all of this? Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. In any case, I do love and appreciate the people in my life, and can't imagine life without them.

I was looking in the mirror earlier tonight, and I saw something in my reflection that I haven't seen in a very long time: beauty. Like most American women, my viewpoint of myself is clouded by our society. I don't like the fact that I have extra weight on me and don't have the drive to get rid of it. Really, that's my only bitching point about my body: I have extra fat that I don't like at all. Does size really matter that much? Apparently not because I have a sparkling personality and I somehow, magically, attract attention from the male gender. Don't ask me how I do it; until an hour or so ago I couldn't see myself clearly enough to describe myself as beautiful. Pretty, yes. But beautiful? Usually I just snort and say "thank you" when I receive that complement, thinking "you've got to be kidding me" on the inside. I'm actually happy that people don't see me as I do myself sometimes because I think that I wouldn't have ANY friends and no one would be able to love me; I'm my own worst critic, you see. Not that I'm not grateful for the attention of the male species and the love of people; it just shocks me sometimes. Anyway, so I finally see myself as beautiful, and can see what all of the hype is about. Despite the weight, I have a very pretty face, I tend to be bubbly when I'm not sick or in a depressive episode or angry at the world, my eyes are amazing, my smile is equally as amazing, I'm short and fun sized and could fit in your pocket, and I love adventure. Despite the many flaws that I can find within myself on a daily basis if I really wanted to, a man would be damn lucky to have me, and I'll go out on a limb to say that the people that I consider the most amazing people ever in my life as lucky to have me as well.

I spent two years trying to live inside one person's box of ideas on who I was. Honestly it didn't start off that way; I was secure in who I was. Slowly but surely, though, I let him take over and recognized more of him in myself than I did me. Actions and decisions that I made, and words that I said, were more often than not his. That wasn't a very healthy place for me, and I think that he knew it, but didn't want to hurt me any more than I wanted him to. He walked away when he thought he found just cause, and I suppose I should be grateful. If I were still with that person, I don't think I would have grown at all to fit inside my own skin. Hell, I'm still not there yet, but I'm getting there; I'm more comfortable and solid in myself than I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, this whole process of heartbreak, hitting rock bottom emotionally, and clawing myself out of a huge pit of despair while trying not to hurt myself was a fucking ridiculous hell that I never want to go through again, but I'm much better for it. I've committed myself to breaking out of the box of conceptions that people have about me; I'm more than a little sweet person. I've got a lot going on in this head of mine, and it's time that I shared and used every bit of it. It's time that I found my own political ideas and become established in my agnostic standing. It's time that I embrace every little personality flaw that I have, and maybe work on a few. Some I know I can't fuckin' change because I've tried to change them before, but others... other's are bendable. It's time that I found my own interests, which I am accomplishing. I just want to be capable of standing on my own in a world where you are, ultimately, alone, despite the people that may become a part of your life. I think I'm finally there, though I may need a little more time to just stand here and smell the orchids. anyway, so, I'm not living in your box. So anything that you're trying to label me with that is contrary to how I see myself is probably going to be tossed into oblivion, along with the many terrible ideas of stories that I've tried to write and bad my little pony drawings.

I've spent a lot of time cleaning my room and reorganizing everything, and honestly I think it's just a ploy to regain some control within my life and completely erase the heartbreaker from my life. I gave him everything that he gave me except the lava lamp because he cannot have my fucking lava lamp; I've wanted one since I was a kid and this thing almost broke and it's a miracle that it still lives. Plus he already got a fucking PS3 that I didn't want him to take anyway, so there. Aywho, I've been reorganizing pretty much everything that can go on a surface and reclaiming both sides of the room as mine and alphabatizing everything because I'm starting to get too OCD and I still don't think I'm done because there are two shelves that still have the same exact stuff on them that they did a few months ago and that just will not stand. Though I was kind of hoping that I could let that go, but it seems that I can't. Or maybe I can. I'm still on the fence about whether or not I want to put forth the effort. Which right now I really just do not. Though I do have the urge to do SOMETHING. Gah, anyway, the point of this paragraph is that I'm reclaiming my space and beginning to love it again.

Okay, well, I'm going to go be eccentric somewhere else and play Harry Potter Lego for the first time in a week.

Love you! Thanks for reading!

<3

9/20/2012

Waiting For Contentment to Find Me (A Prose Poem)

I am not used to being

Alone.

For two years he was there:

My constant companion,

My "Best Friend."

They were two of the

Most challenging years

Of my

Life.

*-*-*-*-*-*

Imagine a roller coaster

With the steepest incline

You've ever seen,

And with an even steeper

Drop

That follows.

Now imagine one with many of those;

For every steep

Incline,

There is a steeper

Drop.

That was our life.

Did I love it?

Hell yes,

Sometimes.

Did I love him?

Absolutely,

All of the time,

Every day.

As long as I woke up next to him,

Life was good.

I was home.

He, however,

Wasn't so sure

That I was

The one.

*-*-*-*-*-*

A way out

Was not presented to him

Until well into our

Second year.

He tried to find one beforehand,

But was met with

Guilt

Every time he tried to leave;

I had never done

Anything wrong

To deserve that kind of treatment.

He finally found it

In the form of

Me reading his journal,

And telling two of his closest friends

Intimate details.

Was I wrong

To do so?

Hell yes,

Even though my

Intentions were to

Understand

Him better -

The constant mood swings,

His constant sadness,

His lack of love for me,

The never ending selfishness,

The events of his past,

The feelings for his ex

That never seemed to

Go away.

Despite learning everything

About him,

I loved him.

When he found out that I, and others, did,

He grew angry

And left me.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Adjusting to life

Without him

Has been difficult.

I find myself alone

When I'm in desperate need

Of a calm voice,

Or a savior to talk me out

Of the crushing

Darkness.

He was always good at

Making me laugh

In the face of

Sadness.

He was always my

Voice of reason

In the presence of

Anger.

And now,

It's just me,

Trying to find

My own laugh,

And my own voice.

Things have become clearer,

And I'm so close that I can taste it.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Do I miss him

As he is now?

No.

I do not know

That person.

I do not know that

Inconsiderate man

Who cannot find it

In his heart

To forgive

And love

Me.

I miss who he was

In the beginning,

When we first got together;

I miss trying to

Find that man again,

And glimpsing him

Every so often.

I miss the constant

Companionship.

I miss the man who

Knew me so well

That I didn't even

Have to voice

Emotion -

Whatever I felt,

He somehow knew.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

That man does not

Exist

Anymore.

In a way, it's like

My other half has

Died

And I will never

See him

Again.

I think that's where

The most sadness comes from -

Knowing that I

Will never see

That person

Again.

Will I survive the breakup?

Indeed I have,

The past four months being quite the challenge,

Though parts of me are more

Broken

Than I would like.

Did he survive it?

The man I knew didn't,

But most of the

Person he is now

Did.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

My sister has been

Amazing

In helping me

Heal.

She has been by

My side

Through the depression,

Tears,

Worthlessness,

Recovering from

Mental and Emotional

Abuse.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Perhaps my constant companion

Will never be in

The form of a

Man.

Maybe,

Like Jane Austen,

I am meant to thrive on

Being mate-less,

Writing many an

Amazing piece of literature,

My also mate-less

Sister

By my side.

A worse life

Could be imagined;

I could lose her, too,

And be forever lost.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I am working on

Living in the moment again,

No matter how

Miserable

That moment may be.

After all,

"Pain demands to be felt."

I'm sure happiness is

Within my reach.

I just need to give

Happiness some time

To reach me.

Contentment is a

Different story altogether,

But I'm sure it, too,

Will eventually find

Me.

(The words in quotations are from "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green)

9/18/2012

People Suck

I need to add a disclaimer before I lose myself entirely to the rant that will take off after this: not everyone sucks. I know some very good people, who support, love, and care for many other people more than themselves. These people don't suck; these people are people that I honestly wish there were more of. To those of you who are like this, thank you.

I would also like to say that the problem isn't always with other people; I accept the fact that I suck too, but I deny sucking nearly as much as other people in this world, or in this blog.

I've been very, very angry lately about how much people suck. I honestly tried very hard before then to ignore it and give humanity, despite it's many flaws, the benefit of the doubt. But lately, I've encountered so many moronic assholes that I can't ignore it anymore. Not that all of these people mentioned are moronic assholes, just that, you know, a lot of people are.

There was this guy that added me out of the blue on Facebook a few weeks ago named John (yes, his real name, since there are a million and one Johns out there) who confessed to liking me in high school and kind of wanted to give dating a shot in the not so distant past. I thought "Hey, what the Hell? This guy seems nice and honest and genuine, and I need a guy like that." I decided to at least try to give him a chance, despite the fact that he has BiPolar disorder, and that disorder scares the Hell out of me. My most recent ex had it, and it led to a lot of emotional turmoil within our relationship and me being fucked in the head after (seriously; I don't think that people even like hearing from me half of the time anymore). We hung out twice; he ran me on some errands one time, and we went for a walk another time. Both times were nice, but I wasn't interested in progressing it further, though I knew he was. I wasn't attracted to him, and we got into a fight one night about me avoiding the fact that he said he was "moderately attractive." I tried, I really did try, to like this guy and roll with it, but it just... didn't feel right. He was too negative of a person for me, and I don't feel like it would have ever meshed with the positive person that I try to be. I was busy for two days in which I did a lot of stuff and took some me time, and he ended up taking it personally and getting mad. Then I went out with some friends, got drunk, and asked one of my friend's friends for their number (which I do not have). This resulted in him overreacting and blowing up and blaming me for his foul mood and blah blah. He blocked me on facebook after accusing me of playing Mind Games with him.

One, we were not fucking dating, at all. We were hanging out, that's it. Two, since we were not dating, I had every right to ask for that guy's number, even if he did look at me like I was a three headed dragon. Three, he acted like we were in a relationship and that I needed to text him daily. I know I'm guilty of being like that, but I'm able to understand the concept of "Hey I've been busy;" he wasn't. When I told him that he was slightly overreacting, he blew up. Four, I'm not the same person that I was my sophomore year of high school; life has personally seen to that. Would I want to be that same miserable, awkward girl? No. Well, I am still more or less miserable and awkward, but not that awkward!

I just can't even begin to explain how pissed off and trapped I felt through this whole experience; it made me feel like I was with my ex again, having to be conscience of every little movement I made, lest I set off a ticking time bomb. I will NOT do that again, ever. If you can't handle me in my bad moments (which usually don't come in the form of drunk-assery, and do come in the form of depression episodes most often), then you sure as fucking Hell don't deserve to have me during the good ones.

On a side note, people who take advantage of people with broken hearts suck. I had that happen to me a few months ago, and if I still had that dick-face's number, I would give him an earful. Just because I'm shattered to a million pieces does not mean you can use me and make it look like it's my fault, kay thanks.

People who try to control my life definitely suck. Just because I'm not living your version of the life that I've chosen for myself doesn't mean that I'm never going to be fulfilled or get anywhere in life. Chill out, I've got this.

So there are my three personal experiences with sucky people. On to discussing some more!

Stuck up people suck. Just because you're a size five does not make you better than me. Just because our sense of humors aren't the same doesn't mean you can make fun of me or discuss me behind my back. Just because you fall into the socially acceptable definition of "normal" and I don't doesn't make you better than me.

Narrow minded people suck, very much. I used to be one of them, and dear god am I glad that it eventually did pass. Just because people aren't the same as you does not mean they are any less valuable. I've met some very diverse people throughout my 23 years of living, and even though I may not like everything about them, I value them very much.

People who get onto other people about speaking like a sailor suck. Bitch, damn, Hell, and Fuck are just words; they don't mean anything unless directed at a certain person. No, the fact that I use them does not mean that I'm not educated; I achieved my associates degree, and did a damn good job. No, just because I use these words often doesn't mean I don't know when the appropriate time to use them is; I can use them at home, but something tells me that using them around the two and three year olds that I teach isn't such a good idea.

People who think that homosexuals within the United States shouldn't be allowed to marry suck. The constitution says that everyone should have equal rights; not everyone "but those damn gay people!" You will often hear these people say "The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin!' or "The Bible says 'Adam and Eve,' not 'Adam and Steve'!" One, your argument is automatically invalid because the constitution calls for a separation of church (any religion) and state. Two, nowhere in the Bible does God himself ever say that homosexuality is a sin. He does say in Leviticus for man not to lie with another man, yes, but where in it does it say for women not to have sex with women, or members of the same gender not to love each other? Nowhere. God is loves the homosexuals too. Get over it. Paul may say that it's not okay, but does his opinion really matter when compared to God's? Think about it.

People who let their religious views turn them into negative people and extremists suck. No, you shouldn't go murder massive amounts of people to show them that God loves them, or to get them to convert OR DIE! No, you shouldn't blow yourselves and countless others up because you think that your god will love you forever and ever and you'll be rewarded handsomely in the afterlife. No, I am not going to Hell just because I don't believe that your god is the supreme god, or because I don't believe that this Jesus fellow was the actual Messiah. No, I don't want you to pray for me, because after experiencing Christianity and Judaism, I'm just done with this thing that is "religion." No, I don't think that the concept of being saved by grace makes sense. No, your New Testament does not make any sense when lined up with the Old Testament. No, the Old Testament was not abolished, ever, by God himself within scripture.

People who can't think for themselves absolutely and 100% do suck. I used to be the lead person in this little band of people; I never questioned anything for awhile there. Don't be a piece of livestock! Question everything. Question your government, your college professors, your religious beliefs, people of authority (to some degree), and, most importantly, your parents. Don't just sit there and take the information they're giving you without evaluating it and seeing if it sits well with you. If it does, great, apply it. If it doesn't, great, throw it out.

If you're a person who has raped, murdered, or stolen from someone, you suck times infinity. If you're a person who uses people and takes advantage of their kindness, well, fuck you, and stop sucking so damn much.

The world would be better with much more selfless and straight forward people. In my perfect world, everyone would be like that, and dating would consist of "hey, I like you, let's see each other often" instead of "let's play the dating game; you're losing!"

I guess I'll end this entry here.

Gah I'm tired of people sucking so much.

<3

9/05/2012

What a Great Labor Day Weekend!

Friday I worked the normal shift and did absolutely nothing besides lounge around that night.

Saturday I drove Rachel and I out to Dallas for Anime Fest, only to have to turn around as soon as we pulled into a parking lot to get her pass. Once we got there the second time, we went and shopped through the various artists' work and the Dealer's Room. I bought quite a few things that day, like a Psyduck plushie that I had when I was a kid but it got thrown away for some reason; the Love crest (Sora's crest) from Digimon; a few pieces of Avatar The Lat Airbender art; a messenger bag and cell phone charm for Rachel; and two packs of Pokemon cards for myself. Rachel and I both donated blood, the process of which I had no idea takes ten minutes to do. I was fine until I asked how long it would take, and when she said ten minutes but I was almost done, it felt like I was having a panic attack; I couldn't breath very well and felt very, very strange. I let her know and she got me some water and put ice packs around my head, after which she had me remove my cosplay wig. She then handed me a barf bag just in case I threw up, because I was feeling very sick. Luckily she removed the needle shortly after all of this started, so I was able to recover slowly while eating a snack and picking out a free T-shirt, after I was able to get out of their handy dandy chair. We went to a Harry Potter panel with "cast" members who were really cosplayers, and it was hilarious fun; I loved every minute of it. Then we went to a semi-formal ball, in which I danced with one guy who was into engineering (I do NOT feel smart enough for engineering people, I truly don't; they understand an entire different part of the world than I do, and I feel bad that I can't seem to grasp it), asked two other guys to dance (one who accepted then ran off, and one who had blisters on his heels), and did a whole lot of people watching and picture taking. We left Dallas shortly after that, only to get lost on the highways and interstates for almost an hour before figuring out how to get home. I was so angry that I let out a scream, and Rachel was like "What is your problem!?" We finally made it home and I made sure to look up the return directions so we could get home more easily on Sunday.

Sunday was spent mostly being lazy for a few hours before leaving to head out to Dallas, snapping pictures of whoever I could find, spending the remainder of the money that I had allotted for Anime Fest on art, a Mario drawstring backpack, a cute owl plush and a bunny clip for Rachel. We pretty much just walked around shopping, grabbed some food, and ended up waiting in line for the cosplay competition for a couple of hours. It was fun; we sat by a Link who ended up joining a group of people playing Uno, so there was much hilarity in that. I took random pictures of cosplayers that I happened to see and a random video that resulted out of pure boredom. The cosplay competition was amazing; I had so much fun watching the emceees do their thing and seeing all of the amazing skits that these fellow nerds put together with much blood, sweat and tears. We actually started it off by singing the Pokemon theme song, which made it that much more awesome. We left after the competition and got lost for a bit before finally finding the highway and using my directions to get us back home.

Monday I spent much of the day lounging around and texting the guy that I met off of plenty of fish, eventually making plans to head out to his house to hang out for the night. We had a great time; I really, really enjoy going over there and hanging out with him. I like him a lot. We watched "Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law" for awhile, of which he will bust out laughing at really hilarious parts, making it that much more fun to watch. We went to WalMart for beer and snacks, and I finally found the Pokemon: Black and White book that I use to put my cards in the right order (after searching four different WalMarts for it). We went back to his house to eat pizza and drink beer, taking pause to do some personal things, and watched some of "The Big Lebowski," which he can quote line by line through the entire movie (it got annoying after awhile, but I still found it amusing). Then we switched to... something, then after I called Rachel and checked in we watched a movie about the wonders of Space on his 3D TV, which is friggen awesome. I stayed the night over there and dozed off while Archer was playing in the background. I had to leave super early, so I tried waking him up early but found out that he can be kind of cranky in the morning (can't we all be, though? I'm only a morning person when I absolutely have to be; otherwise, forget it). I said goodbye around 8:30 a.m. and drove home, passing out soon after I got home to take a quick nap before having to get ready and go to work.

As much as I love getting back into the dating world and meeting a person that I genuinely do like and think hit things off well with, I'm still slightly terrified. I almost panicked because I was plagued with "what if" thoughts that were fairly negative. I worry that despite all of the good things happening lately (A-Fest, this great guy, my new kiddos, figuring myself out and finally growing a pair of lady balls, etc) that the negative will eventually take over again. I was slapped in the face repeatedly there for awhile, what with a breakup, my depression taking me to places I didn't want to go, dating someone only to get dumped again, being cut out of people's lives, having gossip spread about me at work, that I worry that shit like that will happen again, all at once. It's not anybody's fault; just something I need to work through.

Anyway, so yeah, I like this guy and I could gush about him quite a bit but I'm going to wait and see where whatever-this-is goes to gush over him on here; I don't necessarily want to scare him.

I suppose that's all for now. Hope you're all doing well!

<3