9/20/2012

Waiting For Contentment to Find Me (A Prose Poem)

I am not used to being

Alone.

For two years he was there:

My constant companion,

My "Best Friend."

They were two of the

Most challenging years

Of my

Life.

*-*-*-*-*-*

Imagine a roller coaster

With the steepest incline

You've ever seen,

And with an even steeper

Drop

That follows.

Now imagine one with many of those;

For every steep

Incline,

There is a steeper

Drop.

That was our life.

Did I love it?

Hell yes,

Sometimes.

Did I love him?

Absolutely,

All of the time,

Every day.

As long as I woke up next to him,

Life was good.

I was home.

He, however,

Wasn't so sure

That I was

The one.

*-*-*-*-*-*

A way out

Was not presented to him

Until well into our

Second year.

He tried to find one beforehand,

But was met with

Guilt

Every time he tried to leave;

I had never done

Anything wrong

To deserve that kind of treatment.

He finally found it

In the form of

Me reading his journal,

And telling two of his closest friends

Intimate details.

Was I wrong

To do so?

Hell yes,

Even though my

Intentions were to

Understand

Him better -

The constant mood swings,

His constant sadness,

His lack of love for me,

The never ending selfishness,

The events of his past,

The feelings for his ex

That never seemed to

Go away.

Despite learning everything

About him,

I loved him.

When he found out that I, and others, did,

He grew angry

And left me.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Adjusting to life

Without him

Has been difficult.

I find myself alone

When I'm in desperate need

Of a calm voice,

Or a savior to talk me out

Of the crushing

Darkness.

He was always good at

Making me laugh

In the face of

Sadness.

He was always my

Voice of reason

In the presence of

Anger.

And now,

It's just me,

Trying to find

My own laugh,

And my own voice.

Things have become clearer,

And I'm so close that I can taste it.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Do I miss him

As he is now?

No.

I do not know

That person.

I do not know that

Inconsiderate man

Who cannot find it

In his heart

To forgive

And love

Me.

I miss who he was

In the beginning,

When we first got together;

I miss trying to

Find that man again,

And glimpsing him

Every so often.

I miss the constant

Companionship.

I miss the man who

Knew me so well

That I didn't even

Have to voice

Emotion -

Whatever I felt,

He somehow knew.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

That man does not

Exist

Anymore.

In a way, it's like

My other half has

Died

And I will never

See him

Again.

I think that's where

The most sadness comes from -

Knowing that I

Will never see

That person

Again.

Will I survive the breakup?

Indeed I have,

The past four months being quite the challenge,

Though parts of me are more

Broken

Than I would like.

Did he survive it?

The man I knew didn't,

But most of the

Person he is now

Did.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

My sister has been

Amazing

In helping me

Heal.

She has been by

My side

Through the depression,

Tears,

Worthlessness,

Recovering from

Mental and Emotional

Abuse.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Perhaps my constant companion

Will never be in

The form of a

Man.

Maybe,

Like Jane Austen,

I am meant to thrive on

Being mate-less,

Writing many an

Amazing piece of literature,

My also mate-less

Sister

By my side.

A worse life

Could be imagined;

I could lose her, too,

And be forever lost.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I am working on

Living in the moment again,

No matter how

Miserable

That moment may be.

After all,

"Pain demands to be felt."

I'm sure happiness is

Within my reach.

I just need to give

Happiness some time

To reach me.

Contentment is a

Different story altogether,

But I'm sure it, too,

Will eventually find

Me.

(The words in quotations are from "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green)

No comments:

Post a Comment