10/01/2012

There's Beauty In The Breakdown

Earlier tonight, I narrowly avoided one of the largest breakdowns I've had in a very long time. I was sitting here, chatting with friends via text and facebook, minding my own business, when I mentioned that I truly do not ever want to see my ex, and shit just about hit the fan. I will be the first to admit that I had all of the fears in the world that we wouldn't work, that he would just walk away eventually, but I never, ever would have thought that we would go from talking every day to not ever talking again in a matter of weeks. I would have never thought that I would have been left to figure out how to get back up when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die. Literally; I didn't eat for 48 hours after he broke up with me because I just did NOT want to give myself permission to get better. I wanted to suffer, because I thought that I was supposed to. I'm better now, and I realize that I'm better off without him and that it's great that he's not remotely apart of my life, but hell, did I have to go through the most difficult breakup I've encountered to date? Did I have to feel like I just wanted to die? Did things have to end the way they did, or could they have ended a bit more gracefully with at least half of my heart intact?

The freak out started when I realized that I will never be able to change everything in this room to completely erase the imprints he's made in it. I've tried very hard, and have succeeded in a way, but then I started thinking about how I have to reorganize every drawer ever and rearrange furniture and that just isn't possible because I finally have my furniture where I want it.

The freak out and tears got even worse when I realized that this last breakup was the only thing that I have made it through that has undeniably altered every aspect of me. Every literal aspect. My body suffered with the weight gain I encountered when I became too comfortable, my emotions suffered from the rollercoaster of our relationship, my brain is completely fucked by many things. And this pisses me off, because this man was the only person, ever, who has been able to break me. I have been through some challenging things, but not one thing ever broke me before he did. I was always able to bounce back twice as strong, but after him, I'm lucky to be alive (to put it as dramatically as possible).

I am broken. I don't think that many of the people in my life actually want to hear from me, or want me around. I worry that when I make people angry that they are going to hold it against me for a very, very long time. I worry that I will be made to suffer for any minor mistake that I make; honestly, it shocks me when people just let things that I do go. I get emotionally exhausted from the smallest of negative encounters. I've hardened my heart, and I'm not sure that I ever want to let someone in like that again, because there is always a chance that I could have to go through something that bad, and I honestly don't think I can make it through a second time. I randomly get slapped in the face by sadnesses that normally would not matter. I am terrified of entering into an exclusive relationship. I am scared of establishing an emotional connection with someone, and daresay that I understand the physical a little bit better than the emotional aspect lately. I worry that there is not a single person out there who will be able to accept me for who I am, depressive episodes and all. honestly, that's all I want out of life: to meet someone who can accept me, and I'll return the favor without hesitation.

I cried and let it out with Rachel earlier, because I couldn't do this breakdown on my own. I hate breakdowns, and I try to avoid them at all costs. The part that I avoided this time was ransacking my entire room, trying to make literally everything different than it was before.

I am so lucky to have a little sister like mine. She brings me back down to earth when I'm beating myself up over the smallest of things, makes me feel like I'm special, and makes me feel like I'm worth something. She makes me laugh even when Im in the middle of a good cry. I love her so much, and I cant imagine my life without her.

<3