12/03/2014

Saddened Despite The Good

I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and a lot of good within my life. I have people who love me and allow me to love them back. I have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing friends. I wrote 50,000 words of a novel in November, and got about halfway through. I was fortunate enough to attend 3 Thanksgivings. I wake up to experience every new day despite its trials. I have a plethera of pets to love and cherish. I have an amazing boyfriend who puts me pretty damn high up on his important list of people (just under his mother), and who takes care of me and is there for me when I allow him to be. I have a therapist who checks in on me when she does not hear from me for a few months. I have a running car, and am somehow able to make insurance/car payments. I have almost seen my 25th year to the end, and am hoping that I am allowed to see my 26th to its end. I am also hoping that my 26th year is a lot better.

I am in a bad place. It is hard for me to admit, because I try to be positive and push through everything that I experience. But I am cracking, and it feels awful.

My grandmother passed away this year, followed a month later by her brother in law (her sister's husband, my great uncle), then by Soot Spirit, our rat, then by Lightening, another of our wonderful rats, then Fang, our black cat, who died two weeks ago because a person hit him with their car; they drove away like cowards. We will have to put Honey down soon - she has a huge tumor underneath her back left leg that drags the ground, she is so skinny you can feel her bones - but I just can't bring myself to let her go - she is still lively, still eating, still drinking, and she still climbs despite her tumor and gimpy leg. I know it's inevitable, and I know that it would be better to let her go, but haven't I dealt with enough death? Haven't I been through enough? I don't know how much more death I can take before I decide that I would rather not exist, either.

Thoughts like that concern me. I have thought about hurting myself and what it would be like to opt out of my life. Would I? The answer is no - I decided against that a LONG time ago, and I want to live long enough to marry James and have his children and see my grandchildren and get books published - but the morbid thoughts are haunting me. I used to be on anti-depressants but they got too expensive, I gained too much weight (over 50 pounds in a year and a half), and I hated how I felt - my emotions felt stunted and less sharp than they do now. I am an emotional human being, and I like knowing that I can be sensitive and that I care. But if I'm not happy off of the meds, and I wasn't happy on them, what else can I do for myself?

This is not a cry for help. I am just trying to get my negative thoughts and energy somewhere other than my head. I have a therapy session on the 9th, and will most likely take to going regularly again. I need the extra help; I need someone who is professionally equipped to assist me with handling my emotions.

I am not ashamed to admit that I see a therapist. She got me through a lot of shit, and helped me have a better relationship with James and my family; I owe her a lot more than I can possibly give. There is no shame in seeking help, especially if you know that your life is more you can handle. Even if it's not more than you can handle, it's always good to have someone there to talk with who is unbiased.

I am anxious about Christmas, getting the gifts I want everyone to have, and paying my insurance/car payment. Car payment is due on the 20th, and insurance will most likely be paid late as usual, or early... I haven't decided yet.

I got to see my friend Amanda today; I really missed her and was glad to be able to chill out over dinner with her.

I have very few positive day to day thoughts and things that I focus on. I am very negative lately, and just wish I could refocus my life without help. But I can't, and that is upsetting within itself.

I guess I'll try to force myself to go to bed. Tomorrow is another day, that is hopefully brighter.

< / 3

11/08/2014

Time for an update?

I think so.

There have been so many things happening since my last post.

I have a car. I pay a payment every month. Look at me, being an adult that is finally in debt. Whoo!

Two of our rats passed away. Rest in peace Soot Spirit and Lightening.

I'm a Quality Analyst at the call center I work in. I like it most of the time, though my boss can be a challenge.

I've read an insane amount of books that, if I were to list them, we would be here for a few hours at least. So proud of myself for keeping up with the books that are coming out.

I have had adventures, and participated in random things. I'm doing NaNoWriMo currently, and that is a glorious challenge unto itself.

I am reconnecting with people and solidifying friendships.

I am in a happy, and mostly healthy, relationship (still).

I visited my uncle recently and Rachel, James, my uncle and I had a relaxing day of watching MGM's anniversary channel and seeing older movies.

Here it is. Not much has changed, but then again, everything has.

<3

10/28/2014

50 Things About Me: 2014 Edition

Better late than never, right?

1) My name is - and always will be, for as long as I live - Kimbra.

2) I am book addict (I buy books before I can even finish the one I'm reading), and an avid reader.

3) I write novels, and have completed 3 so far - a fourth is on the way soon, thanks to NaNoWriMo!

4) My favorite color is purple, and my favorite color combination is purple and white.

5) I have been diagnosed with depression, and was on anti-depressants for a year and a half, but have decided that I would rather not take anti-depressants anymore. They made me too apathetic and stunted my emotions - I'm ready to feel, no matter how hard times get. So far, so good.

6) I have been with my lovely boyfriend, James, for two years now. It is a challenging and wonderful relationship full of ups and curves (no downs, just curves), and I can't wait to see where our road together takes us.

7) I have never been the type of person to think about wedding stuff, but have finally decided that I want to get married at the rennaisance festival - that would be super freakin' awesome.

8) I am a nice person, but I am not a door mat or a rug. I can, do, and will get angry if pushed, or walked on - I have a low bullshit tollerance. James actually calls me his 'big ball of anger.'

9) Despite the anger, I do try to be easy going and attempt to roll with the punches.

10) I have learned recently that I am actually good at staying level headed during chaos; it is after chaos that I have the potential to break.

11) I'm 25 years old currently, but turn 26 in December - where did the freakin' time go!?

12) By the time I'm 30, I would love to be married to my love, have a steady job, have my car paid off, be living in my own place with my love, and have a kid or two. Right now, James and I live with my mom, and I have four and a half years to pay on my car. I've got a ways to go, huh?

13) I have spent the past year and a half working roadside assistance for a rental car company, and now grade calls in the same call center for the same campaign I was working.

14) I try to live life in a way that I can look back on and think "Hmm, no regrets there." Sometimes, I fail, and that's okay; I just keep pushing forward and try again.

15) I have had the pleasure of owning five pet rats, two of which passed away recently (rest in peace Spirit and Lightning). We still have 3 little fluff balls to love on, and I try to do just that daily.

16) I still have the pleasure of owning (or do they own us?) four pet cats - Tigger, Sandy, Kitty-Kitty, and Fang.

17) I feel at home at rock concerts and anime conventions (and at home, obviously). At most other places, I feel like a fish out of water.

18) I still play video games - I'm working on completing as many of the Lego ones as I can, and have finally beaten Ni No Kuni.

19) I hate repetitive noises and sounds.

20) I'm a Huffelpuff.

21) Harry Potter is actually a huge part of my life, and the books have influenced me in more ways than I could possibly imagine.

22) I am still not religious, and actually get a bit upset when people a) act like it's a big deal, b) when they try to act like EVERYONE in the room - or world - is religious, and c) try to talk me into the fact that their religion is a good religion. Bro, I've experienced Christianity, and Judaism, and have no desire to go through either of them again or to experience anything else.

23) I do miss practicing Judaism sometimes. I miss Hannukah, and Challah bread. But I would never practice it again. I was not happy. I couldn't be myself and experience life at it's full potential.

24) Thanks to opting out of any sort of religion, my life has less restrictions. Does that mean I'm going to go apeshit and do things that are completely off the wall? No. I have a moral code, and a certain way that I think human beings should act, and try to live by those ideals.

25) I am a damn good person, and anyone who tries to tell me otherwise obviously a) doesn't know me, or b) are trying to tear me down. It won't work.

26) I cuss, a lot. To me they are just words. And No, it is not because I don't know other words in place of the cuss words. I use those, too.

27) I have an Associates of the Arts degree. I wanted to go get my Bachelors degree, but refuse until I can find a way to go back to school and remain debt free.

28) My ideal day is sleeping in until the late afternoon, lounging around the house in my pajamas, playing video games/watching Netflix/reading a book/writing while snuggling with my cat and sitting with my boyfriend/sister/mom/dad. I have very few of those days.

29) I have gotten better and keeping in contact with friends. I still have work to do, but at least I'm making myself put forth the effort.

30) About that up there... I've learned that it is almost emotionally and physically draining to keep up with people, but I love the people in my life, and they are worth the effort.

31) I am an introvert.

32) I collect - owls, magnets, books, knick knacks, stuffed animals, and pictures.

33) I make myself do things that I don't want to do; it makes me feel accomplished and fulfilled once the task is done.

34) I wish that, as humans, we can look at each other and think "Hey fellow human! You are loved!" instead of focusing on all of the things that we can judge each other for. Yes, we have differences, but can't we love each other anyway?

35) I am honest. I do not have a filter most of the time. When I censor myself, it is a sign of respect usually reserved for people who don't know me as well as some others do.

36) I'm still fucking awesome. Not, like, the act of fucking, but the adjective fucking.

37) I still spend too much time on the Internet, though I'm not as active in the internet communities as I used to be.

38) I do not watch much TV. What I watch is usually on Netflix, and if it's a new show I watch it online once the episode is posted.

39) I have to fight the urge to correct people's grammatical errors on a daily basis. Sometimes I lose and just correct them anyway.

40) I prefer going barefoot to wearing shoes, but if I have to wear shoes I prefer to wear flip flops above all else.

41) I have never been fashionable. I try to accessorize here and there, but usually I just pick the first shirt I see, first pair of pants I see (work pants or jean pants, depending on the day), and rush out the door.

42) I wear makeup rarely, and when I do it's usually just eye makeup.

43) I am a femenist. No, that does not mean I hate you. It does not mean I judge you. It just means that I think women should be equal to men in all aspects, and that women should be able to walk around at night without the fear of being abducted or harrassed.

44) I finally realized the meaning of life. In my eyes, it is to make the little slice of world you live in a better place, to help as many people as you can, and touch as many lives as you are allowed.

45) I lack a lot of patience. If there is anything that I got from my father besides my name, it's his temper.

46) I talk about past negative experiences like they are nothing. They are not nothing, but I think that avoiding them gives those negative experiences power. So I talk about them, and make fun of them, and learn from them, and move forward from them.

47) I evaluate everything in my life by this standard - if it is right, it is not going to be easy.

48) I take up over half of the bed when I sleep. Poor James has almost fallen out of bed several times.

49) My personality type is ISFJ. Maybe that might tell you more than I can about myself.

50) I have struggled with my self-worth and self-confidence through my entire life. It is thanks to therapy, and this past year or so of growth, that I am able to think anything good of myself. I am a great person, and I know that I matter, even in the grand scheme of things. I think that we can all make a difference, despite our flaws and short comings.

10/06/2014

Fuck You, Josh (You Are Genuinely A Bad Person)

A bit of backstory: We were friends for 2 1/2 years; I ended up dating my ex and staying in contact with him throughout the relationship, which lasted two months short of two years. I saw him once while my ex and I were together and he crossed a few lines which made my controlling ex uncomfortable. Once my ex and I broke up I was free to see whoever I wanted, and I went crying to Josh maybe that day, maybe the day after. I had been talking to him about how bad it was off and on but I was always too dumb to leave my ex, so this wasn't necessarily anything new; I was just free to see him. We dated right after in the following few weeks. I didn't want anything romantic; I just needed a shoulder to cry on and to feel like I was important. I needed someone, and he was there for me. A line was crossed by him. We didn't work out, and had a falling out where we didn't talk. I apologized two or three times and he always said not to worry about it, so I didn't. James and I have been watching a show called The Blacklist, and Raymond Reddington looks just like a grown up version of him. I told him so, and that brings you up to speed...

Him to me: What the fuck is this? Do you not understand what was going on between us? You flat out took advantage to me. None of that was what I wanted, none of that was consensual. I was trying to let you down easy which is more than you deserved, and you were controlling manipulative and actively ignorant toward anything you had done wrong or anything I might have wanted or not wanted, particularly sexually. You are genuinely a bad person and if you are seeking forgiveness or a reunion, not granted. Don't try to contact me again.

I didn't expect this response. I honestly expected him to ignore me like he has in the past. Obviously I didn't know how he felt but I had forgiven myself for this a long time ago and here he was confronting me about something that was no longer relevant. I won't say that he didn't have a right to feel that way, but I honestly expected it to come a lot sooner.

My public response, since I have no other way to contact him: I was just letting you know that I saw someone on a TV show that looks just like you. And actually, up until the day you sent your letter, I had forgotten a lot of what happened between us. There are some things that I was fuzzy on and was thinking about the day before you sent it.

As far as taking advantage of you and being manipulative, I can admit that I was. I am not going to pretend that I was anything different. And as far as being controlling? Yes, I am, and I've reigned that in a lot.

As far as none of it being what you wanted, and none of it being consensual... I actually went back and read all of the messages. All of them. Every single one of them. From the time I was broken up with to whenever we stopped talking. I was literally just broken up with, I was having a hard time, and every time I spoke to you it was about how I felt miserable and broken and shattered. I was a shell of a person. Then there you were; you were nice to me and you paid attention to me. What woman is not going to leap at that chance after having her heart broken? And somehow a line was crossed, and the messages indicate that it was premeditated, and the messages indicate that I actually asked you not to touch me inappropriately and not to flirt with me and not to be that kind of person toward me.

And there are apologies upon apologies upon apologies about how I was sorry that I treated you badly. So I don't know where you got the idea that I didn't care or that I actively ignored the situation. I actually apologized a lot. You said "Kimbra, was it your intention to put me on a yoyo?" I replied with "Not at all," then you responded "don't beat yourself up for doing it. You're going through a rough time and if you need me I'll be there and that's not going to change." You don't get to come back and say that I was manipulating you when you were the one who said I'll be there, just talk to me, I'll be there.

I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I will actively tell you "I'm wrong, I apologize." Whether or not you accept it is your deal. I don't know how much clearer I had to be, and I don't know how much clearer it had to be to you that what we were doing once that line got blurred form friend, and I'm here for you to lover, and I'm dating you - it was consensual, and just because someone got hurt and it wasn't me doesn't mean you can try to make it seem like I raped you. Because I didn't.

As far as not caring about what you wanted and didn't want, obviously I didn't realize that you didn't want that because we talked about it. I didn't want it either, and I already told you at the beginning that I didn't want it. I thought that's what you wanted so I caved, and I even told you that - I caved, I felt pressured, I'm sorry, back up. So if anything I feel like most of this message should be coming from me to you, and in some ironic way you're putting something I should have said to you a long time ago in your own words.

"You are genuinely a bad person." You know what I have to say to that? I have a couple of different words to say to that: Fuck. You. You don't know me, you don't know my life, you don't know how much I have changed in the past few years. You don't know how much work I have done to get to where I am in today. Anyone in my life will tell you that I am a cool person, a good person, and that I am nice and care for my friends and family. So where the fuck to you get off telling me that I'm a bad person? You haven't talked to me in over two years. You don't fucking know me. And I don't have to sit here and explain myself to you, and I don't have to sit here and apologize again for what happened. Because I've already done it several times, and you said not to worry about it.

"If you want forgiveness or a reunion, not granted." Actually, I didn't. I don't need your forgiveness because I have forgiven myself. It's in the past and I have been moving forward.

"Don't try to contact me again." Great, I won't. I'm not going to force myself on you; I have never forced myself on you so why would I start now?

See I am a little bit pissed because you knew exactly what to say to get into my head, and that hurt, and it has been with me for a full year after the fact. I showed you so many weaknesses and I showed you so many sides to me and you threw it all in my face. Granted, I give you kudos for taking care of yourself and cutting it off when you did. I wish that we would have cut it off sooner so that none of us got hurt. I just hope that you become okay, because I'm okay, and I'm done beating myself up. You've had your say, you've said it, good job. I'm moving forward, and I want you to move forward.

4/19/2014

A List Of Positivity

We put a second food bowl in the big cage that houses two of our four rats, Honey and Spirit, because Honey has been getting really thin due to being the sicker rat. Since there are two food bowls, when one is eating and the other is hungy they go to the second food bowl. Honey is getting more food because of this, which is encouraging.

Rachel and I baked a chocolate gluten free cake that tastes delicious. Instead of pouring the mix into two small round pans, we made a bundt cake.

James is here through all of the emotional termoil that I have been going through as of late.

Disney movies make everything seem a lot better. That, and chocolate cake.

I put in a job application for Toys R Us. Crossing my fingers that it is received well.

I've finished 3 novels. Now it is time to edit them.

I'm thinking about going back to school to get a Bachelor's Degree in Creative Writing.

I have managed to save enough for a down payment for a car.

Rachel and I went to the park and fed the ducks. Rachel, being the environmentalist in the family, picked up trash out of the water and off of the shore. We also saw many baby ducks and played in the sand on the volley ball pit.

James, Rachel, Dad, James's sister, one of James's friends, and I went out to dinner at an all you can eat chinese foot buffet last night. That was a good experience despite the fact that my tummy was upset.

Just a few good things, enough for me to hold on to on days that I get super down.

4/08/2014

One Of the Worst Weeks In My Life

This past week has honestly been pretty terrible, and is right up there with one of the worst weeks that I've ever experienced.

Last week on Tuesday, after working eight hours and getting off at midnight, I drove my mom back to Waco to help take care of my grandma and had to drive back home; I didn't leave Waco until 4 a.m., so I didn't get back until around 6 a.m. That night, my uncle had to call an ambulance because my grandma said that she was too weak to even get out of the floor. My mom reassured us that this has happened before and that she may end up coming back home after a few days; she may just be dehydrated and need some more hospital time. I trusted her judgement and didn't stay, trying to get home and get enough sleep for work the next day.

At 10 a.m. on Wednesday morning, I was woken up by my sister telling me that mom called and didn't think that Mamaw would last through the day. "They should fix it. They need to fix her," was all I could say. I struggled with the desire to catch up on rest and rush out to Waco to say our last goodbyes while she was still breathing. In the end, I chose to go to sleep for a few more hours and took James to work around one that afternoon. Afterwards, Rachel and I went out for ice cream at Baskin Robbins, then went to the tattoo place so that I could get a tattoo in memory of Mamaw, who we already expected to lose.

The vast majority of Wednesday afternoon was spent at the tattoo place. I started out wanting Mamaw's heart to join with Papa's, but instead decided to get it on the opposite side of my right ankle, on the inside. Then the artist drew a preliminary sketch, cleared it with me, drew it better, and resized it, the entire time of which Rachel and I sat up front and admired the other tattoo art. After... I want to say an hour and a half... I was led back and laid down on a swivel chair that he leaned back for me on my right side so that he could tattoo the inside of my right ankle. My mom called around 6:20, and sent me a text message that stated that my grandma, My Beautiful Mamaw, passed away at 6:15 p.m. I had to pause and cry, because the inevitable, the thing that none of us wanted to actually happen but were attempting to prepare for, happened. The artist gave me a few minutes and started tattooing me again once I calmed myself. After he finished, I swung by CVS pharmacy to pick up some aquaphor and some antibacterial non-scented soap, which is actually a pain in the ass to find. Rachel and I came back home, she went to bed thirty minutes later, and I picked James up around 10 that night.

On Thursday and Friday, I went to work, but was super sad still and angry that the doctors didn't fix my grandmother, who they brought back once before and didn't feel it necessary to bring back a second time. I was sadder than usual but tried to be upbeat, even when speaking about my grandma's death; making jokes and being sarcastic is how I deal with pain. I talked to them about a mourning period and they stated that i have 3 unpaid days off, so I've taken those three days.

Saturday was James's neice's birthday party at a bounce house place, so we went there that afternoon and only stayed for about an hour and fifteen minutes because my grandma's visitation was at 6 p.m. I hauled ass to Waco at about 4:45 p.m., leaving straight from Pump It Up to drive to Waco. That drive was the most difficult, because I was already so tired and the road was trying to hypnotize me. We arrived about fifteen minutes late to the viewing, signed the book, and my mom embarrassed James by yelling at him to take his hat off from the front of the church while we were at the back. I asked her to go talk to him since he was sitting at the back of the church while we were seeing my grandma, who at that moment we still didn't believe was dead because she still looked pretty and our eyes were tricking us into believing that she was still breathing and might pop up and say "Surprise! I'm not dead!" We stayed until 9 p.m., an hour after the viewing and the time that the funeral home closed. I left a poster that I made on Friday night so that our family could see it on the day of the funeral. The rest of Saturday night was spent playing Animal Crossing and the Sims 3.

Sunday afternoon, we all woke up at noon to get ready for my grandma's funeral. My mom's friends and my cousin's family arrived at twelve thirty/one o'clock, and we all left around one/one fifteen to get to the funeral home on time. My mom's Uncle, and my grandma's brother in law, officiated the ceremony and shared memories of he and my grandma, since she was in the picture from when he was ten years old onward. We said our last goodbyes to my grandma after he was finished, making sure to grab the poster that I made so that we could bring it home, and went to the graveside service. Throughout the entire time, my poor mom was so out of it that she could barely stay awake, so I had to help her clear up some details throughout the entirety of Monday. I took a couple of flowers from the spray on top of my grandma's casket, said hello to my grandpa, who she will be buried next to, and after that we all went back to the house fondly known as Mamaw and Papa's, now my uncle's. My mom was taken to the hospital by my aunt and oldest ousin because she couldn't stand up due to being so out of it, and the rest of us went down to the river to my mom's aunt's so that we could eat food and enjoy more time with the extended family. I wasn't there long before I asked my cousin to drive us back, and I took a long nap, only waking up about ten minutes before my cousins and aunt got back from the hospital. My mom's friend brought her home later that night, and stayed with us overnight since they went to bed right when they got back. I stayed up entirely too late.

Monday was spent playing the Sims 3, animal crossing, and lounging in my PJs. I changed eventually and took James and Rachel to Cracker Barrel to eat, and went back to my grandma's to hang out with my uncle and mom for a bit longer. We left there around midnight, and made it back home by 1:30 a.m. I ended up breaking down crying at the gas station because my grandma's loss has finally hit me, harder than it did last week when I was working and trying to prepare for the funeral. I cried before falling asleep, still mourning.

Today, I am at home, attempting to heal and document what all happened so that my mind won't be as full of sorrow and sadness and bad thoughts. I'm doing good so far, loving spending the day in my pajamas and snuggling with my cat and blogging and being with my boyfriend and seeing my sister and dad. I needed a day like this; to relax and do with as I please and shape it into what I want it to be. Doing okay so far; only cried a little. Tomorrow I'm definitely going back to work, hoping to have a good day.

At the end of this week I will be picking my mom up.

During the time at my grandma's, I was sure to pick up my Grey's Anatomy season DVDs, and a few pictures, among which is her obituary.

I'll update later.

< / 3

1/20/2014

Happier Than I Once Was

I haven't updated since May of last year, and... wow. Just wow. I didn't mean to leave this sitting for so long.

Obviously, since it's been six months since I updated, a lot has happened. Let's update you real quick, yes?

I switched jobs again to a call center where I take roadside assistance calls for two rental companies, and have been there for seven or eight, maybe nine, months. I like it a lot of the time, usually when I am actually able to help people without any of the customers yelling at me. I like it because I can write in between calls, and I have actually read maybe fifteen to twenty books since I started. I am actually kind of proud of finding this job because I now have accident insurance, a life insurance policy, and... one other kind of insurance... that comes out to be $10 per paycheck, which really isn't that bad. I feel like a real adult with a real job with real benefits... What? How did that happen?

Speaking of reading novels, I am actually trying to get to where I have read all of the books on my book shelf at leasst one time; I still have two shelves left of unread books, but the number is slowly dwindling. Sometimes I add to that number on accident because I find books that i want to read, like Just One Day or Alice in Zombieland or Odd Interlude. Right now I am working on The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which is a decent book, but the description that Hugo gives actually really bores me; I skipped two chapters because it was the layout and history behind where the story takes place - the layout is nice to know, but the history was very uninteresting to me. The book itself is pretty decent so far; I'll let you know how it actually is once I finish it. It might be more along the lines of a Stieg Larsson book, where it's super boring most of the time with bits of action.

Kimmi got married to my friend Eric from film class on September 29, 2013, and it was the most beautiful ceremony I have ever seen. So much love and adoration for these two beautiful people was flowing through me that I could barely contain it. I am so, so honored to have been one of the Bridesmaids for her wedding, and I tried super hard to show that through my actions. Her wedding ceremony was beautiful, taking a TON OF PICTURES befoore and after was a lot of fun, theeception was amazing, and hearing about their honeymoon after was awesome. I could hardly believe that she was married to someone to great, and that the person she married happened to be someone that I know from college. I introduced them to each other because they are both good people, and have been through enough relationship shit, and they deserve good, well rounded people - I didn't expect them to get married, though I am very glad that they found their soulmate in each other.

Since I was one of the Bridesmaids, I had the pleasure of helping to coordinate her wedding shower, which apparently went off without a hitch. People complemented the other lady and I who put it together on how organized we were, and how well thought out it was, even though we honestly felt that not enough planning went into it. I made entirely too many favors, but that gave Kimmi enough to hand out to people that she knows. I was in charge of putting together the advise for the bride scrapbook, picking the games and prizes for them (I never told people what they would get if they won them, though maybe that's not necessary? That'd be something that I would change, though), and I was in charge of writing down gifts that she receieved from those in attendance. It was super fun, and I super loved helping to put it together.

The night before her wedding, the Bridal Party spent the night in a motel room, where we watched Pitch Perfect and put together a ton of wedding favors, which I didn't even know was a thing, nor did I know that the movie existed. It was a lot of fun to just... be a girl for that day. We got pedicures and manicures and primped for the big day, and got to be extra pretty the day of the wedding. I loved spending the night with the ladies and being introduced to such an amazing movie as Pitch Perfect while helping our dear friend put together some last minute things for the wedding; it just seemed... right... to be apart of that.

My baby sister turned 23 years old on October 15, 2013. I had to work that day, which is unusual because I usually try to get her birthday off of work, but before I left I took her out to Gamestop and got her both Left 4 Dead games on the X-box 360, since James has that console, and took her out to ice cream. The following weekend I took her and James to the pumpkin patch, which I thought was also for her birthday but was just a random thing that I did for her.

James and I went to Freaker's Ball 2013, and got to see Five Finger Death Punch and Korn live. What an amazing couple of bands to see, even though I didn't know much of Korn's music. James filmed the ENTIRETY of Five Finger Death Punch's portion, and didn't have any room left for Korn.

During November, I wrote my third NaNoWriMo novel, and completed my second novel ever. It is called "Glimpses," and is about a young man whose family moves just before his senior year of high school coming to terms with his life, his depression, falling in love with someone just as depressed as he is, and how he, his family, and the love of his life get through their present in order to make way to the future, while reflecting on the past. I think this is the best novel that I've written so far, and can't wait to rewrite some others so that they are on par with this beautiful piece of work filled with typos and truth.

Rachel, James and I went to How The Edge Stole Christmas on December 5, 2013 because there were A LOT of bands that I wanted to see, and it was MY BIRTHDAY!! Panic! At the Disco was there, and I got Rachel there JUST IN TIME to catch the tail end of their concert and "I Write Sins Not Tragedies," which is her all time favorite song by them. Then we saw Blue October, which I used to hate but have come to appreciate and really like a lot of his songs. Thirty Seconds to Mars came next, and they were phenominal as always. During their set, SUPER BIG balloons fell from the sky and were bopped all over the Pit where we were, and confetti came out of some cannons and made everything seem magical, and they let fans come up on stage during one of the songs; I wanted to go up there but I'm not nearly as outspoken as some other people, nor am I a fan of directing attention to myself - I wasn't too disappointed that I wasn't picked because I believe it was one of my least favorite songs by them. Then Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington of Linkin Park came onstage, and they did pretty good; Chester sounded nothing like his usual self and was replicating the band's feel very well. Afterward, I had the pleasure of defrosting my car and driving home on more icy roads than usual because it snowed and iced in Texas, and froze everything over for a good week. I went by WalMart with James and Rachel, where James got me a small cake surrounded by cupcakes and the City Of Bones DVD, which I felt was NOTHING like the book; they took out some pretty important things and rewrote some important things - we'll see if the next few are going to make any damn sense now.

Saturday January 11, 2014, I went to Mason's sister's son's third birthday party, and wasn't too surprised when I realized that he doesn't remember me at all. I was there the day this little guy was born, and was there for the first two years of his life; not being there for him or with the family this past year has been extremely difficult. I recieved the invite and leapt at the chance; I picked up presents on the 10th that I felt he would like, wrapped them up, and headed over there pretty much as soon as I was awake and alert the next afternoon. His party was construction themed, and had a kiddie pool filled with play sand and dig tools and little toys that he and the other kiddos could unbury. I walked in, set down my gift to him, and he ran over and tore the tissue paper out as quick as lightning and set up the little plastic bowling set that I got him after shoving me out of the way. Disappointed, I watched while I ate my cake as he loved on the toys more than the people around him (what three year old wouldn't when confronted with so much cool stuff!?). I eventually got down in the floor with he and a little girl and helped them dig in the sand, teaching them that if they fill in some shapes with the sand and turn it upside down that you have a sand version of that shape. He warmed up to me considerably during that time, and I couldn't be more thrilled. Before I left I had to get his attention by pulling a big balloon down from the sky and putting it level with me, asking for a hug before giving it back. he gave me a big hug, and the little girl wanted one too. I missed that family so much, and feel so sad that most of the time I don't feel welcome to be part of their every day life because they are Mason's family, and he is usually around them. So happy that i got to experience this party, though; I wouldn't have missed that for the world.

Today was my friend from Primerose's baby shower, which was short and sweet. I had to pick up presents and take James to work before I could head out there, so I was a little late and walked in while she was opening presents. She is the cutest pregnant lady in the world, and I can't wait to meet her daughter that will be here in three stinkin' weeks! I ate some mexican food while there and had a grand time listening to the Primrose women gossip, and loved seeing my friend interact with the two children there; I know she will be a great mother to her pending daughter, and couldn't be more happy for her and her boyfriend. Afterwards, I went to Barnes and Noble and spent a good three hours wandering around the store, looking at all of the awesome things it has to offer.

I've been seeing the therapist I mentioned in the previous blog for... six months, and she has helped me make leaps and bounds past where I was, though I am in a super rough patch and need help clawing my way out of it. She has told me several times that she can tell I want to thrive, that i want to get better, that I do know that I need a positive change in my life. She has helped me get over the hurdle of my dislike for my dad, and is helping me to reach an acceptance of his alcoholism and that it is not my fault nor something that I can control. She has helped me get through so much, and I am forever grateful to this amazing woman who chooses to help people like me for a living.

Despite the fact that this life has moments of confusion and depressed times for me, I am actually so close to "happy" that I can taste it. I feel like I am finally making some good decisions in terms of my mental health and dating habits.

Something I have noticed is that with Mason, I was completely shrunken and content with living in his shadow. I didn't do anything without his approval, and I certainly couldn't voice my opinions or plans toward the end because he felt his were always more important or more correct. I once told him that I thought there was something mentally wrong with me, that I had separation anxiety and that I should get it checked out, and he told me flat out that there couldn't be anything wrong; I was diagnosed with depression a few days later and put on Paxel. I converted to Judaism because it seemed like the right decision, that I was following the right path, though I wasn't happy most of the time that I practiced the Jewish customs. I pushed my family, my friends, away from me; I am now left with a fair few friends who will actually take the time to talk to me and see me. I didn't complete a NaNoWriMo novel one time while with him, leaving bits and pieces of novel strewn about instead of actually finishing them, because I couldn't find the time; I lived out of a backpack the majority of our relationship and didn't always have a way to write. I was a diminished version of myself, someone who wanted to mold so badly to who he wanted me to be that I lost every bit of who I was before I met him; when he broke my heart, I was left with absolutely nothing but the feeling of wanting to die and had to rebuild myself from the ground up. I wish I would have focused on myself more, but not until this relationship with James did I learn how important that is.

Being with James is a refreshing and necessary change. This man... despite my many, many short comings as a person and being terrified of actually having a happy life with him, and despite the fact that I've tried to scare him away numerous times... loves me unconditionally. He tries, so hard, to make me happy, to let me know that he does, indeed, love me deeply, and wants to be with me forever. He told me earlier today that when he met me, part of him just filled itself in; I joked and said that it was most likely before we even met in person, while we were just pictures and text on a screen. In truth, that is how he felt - he loved me already in the weeks before we met in person, when we were just getting to know each other; he watched every single one of my Youtube videos in an attempt to get to know me better before we actually met in person - this shocked me, and embarassed me a little because I'm sure some are bad. I knew that I loved him the second time we met in person, but could never have imagined the depth of that love or how it would evolve into something that I hope only strengthens as time goes on. I waited a few months to tell him that I was ready to be his girlfriend, and even then thought it was a bit too soon, but am so glad that I took that leap of faith and shoved aside the fear of him for the joy of loving him.

My point is, I have met someone who takes a great interest in me, who loves me and tells me so multiple times a day, who tries to be romantic as often as possible, who holds me when I sob over sad movies and strokes my hair when I'm having a rough emotional moment, who doesn't mind rubbing lotion onto my feet to make them less dry and cracked, who makes love to me as passionately today as he did the first time - who actually gave his virginity to me because he felt that I am 'the one,' who somehow understood that my reluctance to trust and love him had nothing to do with him and everything to do with previous failed relationships, this man who will help me get through my I-have-to-pull-over-and-sob moments when life gets too overwhelming by telling me to breath and will help talk me through any and all emotional displays, is the one for me. He is the man who taught me that despite all of the things that I think make me unloveable - my anger, my swearing, my weight - has taught me that I am worth loving, and is teaching me, slowly but surely, how to love myself. He is teaching me that I am a beautiful creature, inside and out, and that I am worth his time and everyone else's.

Because of this wonderful man that I get to fall asleep beside every night and wake up with every morning, my quality of life has vastly improved. We have rough patches, and have days where we annoy the absolute shit out of each other, but I think that as long as we have each other we will be okay. Honestly, I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. I can't wait to be this man's fiancee, his wife, and, eventually, the mother of his children. I can't wait to see what adventures are in store for us. Now all I have to do is get past the fear that I will lose him one day, and I will be all set to enjoy every moment of our future together.

I'm sorry I haven't shown my face around these parts lately, though you can clearly see that I am busy and have been trying to focus on my mental and emotional health. I am working hard to find the time to do things I actually enjoy, like playing video games, reading, writing, making youtube videos (which I JUST got caught up on, by the way), working, and getting back into the groove of having friends that I actually see outside of Facebook. This life is wonderful and busy and challenging and lovely... I couldn't imagine living one that is any different. I'll try to make time for you, dear readers; I wish I could tell you that I will, but honestly, the only thing that I can do is try.

I love you all, and if you've stayed with me this long, thank you. You are probably one of the very few. I'll talk to you soon.

<3