1/20/2014

Happier Than I Once Was

I haven't updated since May of last year, and... wow. Just wow. I didn't mean to leave this sitting for so long.

Obviously, since it's been six months since I updated, a lot has happened. Let's update you real quick, yes?

I switched jobs again to a call center where I take roadside assistance calls for two rental companies, and have been there for seven or eight, maybe nine, months. I like it a lot of the time, usually when I am actually able to help people without any of the customers yelling at me. I like it because I can write in between calls, and I have actually read maybe fifteen to twenty books since I started. I am actually kind of proud of finding this job because I now have accident insurance, a life insurance policy, and... one other kind of insurance... that comes out to be $10 per paycheck, which really isn't that bad. I feel like a real adult with a real job with real benefits... What? How did that happen?

Speaking of reading novels, I am actually trying to get to where I have read all of the books on my book shelf at leasst one time; I still have two shelves left of unread books, but the number is slowly dwindling. Sometimes I add to that number on accident because I find books that i want to read, like Just One Day or Alice in Zombieland or Odd Interlude. Right now I am working on The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which is a decent book, but the description that Hugo gives actually really bores me; I skipped two chapters because it was the layout and history behind where the story takes place - the layout is nice to know, but the history was very uninteresting to me. The book itself is pretty decent so far; I'll let you know how it actually is once I finish it. It might be more along the lines of a Stieg Larsson book, where it's super boring most of the time with bits of action.

Kimmi got married to my friend Eric from film class on September 29, 2013, and it was the most beautiful ceremony I have ever seen. So much love and adoration for these two beautiful people was flowing through me that I could barely contain it. I am so, so honored to have been one of the Bridesmaids for her wedding, and I tried super hard to show that through my actions. Her wedding ceremony was beautiful, taking a TON OF PICTURES befoore and after was a lot of fun, theeception was amazing, and hearing about their honeymoon after was awesome. I could hardly believe that she was married to someone to great, and that the person she married happened to be someone that I know from college. I introduced them to each other because they are both good people, and have been through enough relationship shit, and they deserve good, well rounded people - I didn't expect them to get married, though I am very glad that they found their soulmate in each other.

Since I was one of the Bridesmaids, I had the pleasure of helping to coordinate her wedding shower, which apparently went off without a hitch. People complemented the other lady and I who put it together on how organized we were, and how well thought out it was, even though we honestly felt that not enough planning went into it. I made entirely too many favors, but that gave Kimmi enough to hand out to people that she knows. I was in charge of putting together the advise for the bride scrapbook, picking the games and prizes for them (I never told people what they would get if they won them, though maybe that's not necessary? That'd be something that I would change, though), and I was in charge of writing down gifts that she receieved from those in attendance. It was super fun, and I super loved helping to put it together.

The night before her wedding, the Bridal Party spent the night in a motel room, where we watched Pitch Perfect and put together a ton of wedding favors, which I didn't even know was a thing, nor did I know that the movie existed. It was a lot of fun to just... be a girl for that day. We got pedicures and manicures and primped for the big day, and got to be extra pretty the day of the wedding. I loved spending the night with the ladies and being introduced to such an amazing movie as Pitch Perfect while helping our dear friend put together some last minute things for the wedding; it just seemed... right... to be apart of that.

My baby sister turned 23 years old on October 15, 2013. I had to work that day, which is unusual because I usually try to get her birthday off of work, but before I left I took her out to Gamestop and got her both Left 4 Dead games on the X-box 360, since James has that console, and took her out to ice cream. The following weekend I took her and James to the pumpkin patch, which I thought was also for her birthday but was just a random thing that I did for her.

James and I went to Freaker's Ball 2013, and got to see Five Finger Death Punch and Korn live. What an amazing couple of bands to see, even though I didn't know much of Korn's music. James filmed the ENTIRETY of Five Finger Death Punch's portion, and didn't have any room left for Korn.

During November, I wrote my third NaNoWriMo novel, and completed my second novel ever. It is called "Glimpses," and is about a young man whose family moves just before his senior year of high school coming to terms with his life, his depression, falling in love with someone just as depressed as he is, and how he, his family, and the love of his life get through their present in order to make way to the future, while reflecting on the past. I think this is the best novel that I've written so far, and can't wait to rewrite some others so that they are on par with this beautiful piece of work filled with typos and truth.

Rachel, James and I went to How The Edge Stole Christmas on December 5, 2013 because there were A LOT of bands that I wanted to see, and it was MY BIRTHDAY!! Panic! At the Disco was there, and I got Rachel there JUST IN TIME to catch the tail end of their concert and "I Write Sins Not Tragedies," which is her all time favorite song by them. Then we saw Blue October, which I used to hate but have come to appreciate and really like a lot of his songs. Thirty Seconds to Mars came next, and they were phenominal as always. During their set, SUPER BIG balloons fell from the sky and were bopped all over the Pit where we were, and confetti came out of some cannons and made everything seem magical, and they let fans come up on stage during one of the songs; I wanted to go up there but I'm not nearly as outspoken as some other people, nor am I a fan of directing attention to myself - I wasn't too disappointed that I wasn't picked because I believe it was one of my least favorite songs by them. Then Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington of Linkin Park came onstage, and they did pretty good; Chester sounded nothing like his usual self and was replicating the band's feel very well. Afterward, I had the pleasure of defrosting my car and driving home on more icy roads than usual because it snowed and iced in Texas, and froze everything over for a good week. I went by WalMart with James and Rachel, where James got me a small cake surrounded by cupcakes and the City Of Bones DVD, which I felt was NOTHING like the book; they took out some pretty important things and rewrote some important things - we'll see if the next few are going to make any damn sense now.

Saturday January 11, 2014, I went to Mason's sister's son's third birthday party, and wasn't too surprised when I realized that he doesn't remember me at all. I was there the day this little guy was born, and was there for the first two years of his life; not being there for him or with the family this past year has been extremely difficult. I recieved the invite and leapt at the chance; I picked up presents on the 10th that I felt he would like, wrapped them up, and headed over there pretty much as soon as I was awake and alert the next afternoon. His party was construction themed, and had a kiddie pool filled with play sand and dig tools and little toys that he and the other kiddos could unbury. I walked in, set down my gift to him, and he ran over and tore the tissue paper out as quick as lightning and set up the little plastic bowling set that I got him after shoving me out of the way. Disappointed, I watched while I ate my cake as he loved on the toys more than the people around him (what three year old wouldn't when confronted with so much cool stuff!?). I eventually got down in the floor with he and a little girl and helped them dig in the sand, teaching them that if they fill in some shapes with the sand and turn it upside down that you have a sand version of that shape. He warmed up to me considerably during that time, and I couldn't be more thrilled. Before I left I had to get his attention by pulling a big balloon down from the sky and putting it level with me, asking for a hug before giving it back. he gave me a big hug, and the little girl wanted one too. I missed that family so much, and feel so sad that most of the time I don't feel welcome to be part of their every day life because they are Mason's family, and he is usually around them. So happy that i got to experience this party, though; I wouldn't have missed that for the world.

Today was my friend from Primerose's baby shower, which was short and sweet. I had to pick up presents and take James to work before I could head out there, so I was a little late and walked in while she was opening presents. She is the cutest pregnant lady in the world, and I can't wait to meet her daughter that will be here in three stinkin' weeks! I ate some mexican food while there and had a grand time listening to the Primrose women gossip, and loved seeing my friend interact with the two children there; I know she will be a great mother to her pending daughter, and couldn't be more happy for her and her boyfriend. Afterwards, I went to Barnes and Noble and spent a good three hours wandering around the store, looking at all of the awesome things it has to offer.

I've been seeing the therapist I mentioned in the previous blog for... six months, and she has helped me make leaps and bounds past where I was, though I am in a super rough patch and need help clawing my way out of it. She has told me several times that she can tell I want to thrive, that i want to get better, that I do know that I need a positive change in my life. She has helped me get over the hurdle of my dislike for my dad, and is helping me to reach an acceptance of his alcoholism and that it is not my fault nor something that I can control. She has helped me get through so much, and I am forever grateful to this amazing woman who chooses to help people like me for a living.

Despite the fact that this life has moments of confusion and depressed times for me, I am actually so close to "happy" that I can taste it. I feel like I am finally making some good decisions in terms of my mental health and dating habits.

Something I have noticed is that with Mason, I was completely shrunken and content with living in his shadow. I didn't do anything without his approval, and I certainly couldn't voice my opinions or plans toward the end because he felt his were always more important or more correct. I once told him that I thought there was something mentally wrong with me, that I had separation anxiety and that I should get it checked out, and he told me flat out that there couldn't be anything wrong; I was diagnosed with depression a few days later and put on Paxel. I converted to Judaism because it seemed like the right decision, that I was following the right path, though I wasn't happy most of the time that I practiced the Jewish customs. I pushed my family, my friends, away from me; I am now left with a fair few friends who will actually take the time to talk to me and see me. I didn't complete a NaNoWriMo novel one time while with him, leaving bits and pieces of novel strewn about instead of actually finishing them, because I couldn't find the time; I lived out of a backpack the majority of our relationship and didn't always have a way to write. I was a diminished version of myself, someone who wanted to mold so badly to who he wanted me to be that I lost every bit of who I was before I met him; when he broke my heart, I was left with absolutely nothing but the feeling of wanting to die and had to rebuild myself from the ground up. I wish I would have focused on myself more, but not until this relationship with James did I learn how important that is.

Being with James is a refreshing and necessary change. This man... despite my many, many short comings as a person and being terrified of actually having a happy life with him, and despite the fact that I've tried to scare him away numerous times... loves me unconditionally. He tries, so hard, to make me happy, to let me know that he does, indeed, love me deeply, and wants to be with me forever. He told me earlier today that when he met me, part of him just filled itself in; I joked and said that it was most likely before we even met in person, while we were just pictures and text on a screen. In truth, that is how he felt - he loved me already in the weeks before we met in person, when we were just getting to know each other; he watched every single one of my Youtube videos in an attempt to get to know me better before we actually met in person - this shocked me, and embarassed me a little because I'm sure some are bad. I knew that I loved him the second time we met in person, but could never have imagined the depth of that love or how it would evolve into something that I hope only strengthens as time goes on. I waited a few months to tell him that I was ready to be his girlfriend, and even then thought it was a bit too soon, but am so glad that I took that leap of faith and shoved aside the fear of him for the joy of loving him.

My point is, I have met someone who takes a great interest in me, who loves me and tells me so multiple times a day, who tries to be romantic as often as possible, who holds me when I sob over sad movies and strokes my hair when I'm having a rough emotional moment, who doesn't mind rubbing lotion onto my feet to make them less dry and cracked, who makes love to me as passionately today as he did the first time - who actually gave his virginity to me because he felt that I am 'the one,' who somehow understood that my reluctance to trust and love him had nothing to do with him and everything to do with previous failed relationships, this man who will help me get through my I-have-to-pull-over-and-sob moments when life gets too overwhelming by telling me to breath and will help talk me through any and all emotional displays, is the one for me. He is the man who taught me that despite all of the things that I think make me unloveable - my anger, my swearing, my weight - has taught me that I am worth loving, and is teaching me, slowly but surely, how to love myself. He is teaching me that I am a beautiful creature, inside and out, and that I am worth his time and everyone else's.

Because of this wonderful man that I get to fall asleep beside every night and wake up with every morning, my quality of life has vastly improved. We have rough patches, and have days where we annoy the absolute shit out of each other, but I think that as long as we have each other we will be okay. Honestly, I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. I can't wait to be this man's fiancee, his wife, and, eventually, the mother of his children. I can't wait to see what adventures are in store for us. Now all I have to do is get past the fear that I will lose him one day, and I will be all set to enjoy every moment of our future together.

I'm sorry I haven't shown my face around these parts lately, though you can clearly see that I am busy and have been trying to focus on my mental and emotional health. I am working hard to find the time to do things I actually enjoy, like playing video games, reading, writing, making youtube videos (which I JUST got caught up on, by the way), working, and getting back into the groove of having friends that I actually see outside of Facebook. This life is wonderful and busy and challenging and lovely... I couldn't imagine living one that is any different. I'll try to make time for you, dear readers; I wish I could tell you that I will, but honestly, the only thing that I can do is try.

I love you all, and if you've stayed with me this long, thank you. You are probably one of the very few. I'll talk to you soon.

<3