4/19/2014

A List Of Positivity

We put a second food bowl in the big cage that houses two of our four rats, Honey and Spirit, because Honey has been getting really thin due to being the sicker rat. Since there are two food bowls, when one is eating and the other is hungy they go to the second food bowl. Honey is getting more food because of this, which is encouraging.

Rachel and I baked a chocolate gluten free cake that tastes delicious. Instead of pouring the mix into two small round pans, we made a bundt cake.

James is here through all of the emotional termoil that I have been going through as of late.

Disney movies make everything seem a lot better. That, and chocolate cake.

I put in a job application for Toys R Us. Crossing my fingers that it is received well.

I've finished 3 novels. Now it is time to edit them.

I'm thinking about going back to school to get a Bachelor's Degree in Creative Writing.

I have managed to save enough for a down payment for a car.

Rachel and I went to the park and fed the ducks. Rachel, being the environmentalist in the family, picked up trash out of the water and off of the shore. We also saw many baby ducks and played in the sand on the volley ball pit.

James, Rachel, Dad, James's sister, one of James's friends, and I went out to dinner at an all you can eat chinese foot buffet last night. That was a good experience despite the fact that my tummy was upset.

Just a few good things, enough for me to hold on to on days that I get super down.

4/08/2014

One Of the Worst Weeks In My Life

This past week has honestly been pretty terrible, and is right up there with one of the worst weeks that I've ever experienced.

Last week on Tuesday, after working eight hours and getting off at midnight, I drove my mom back to Waco to help take care of my grandma and had to drive back home; I didn't leave Waco until 4 a.m., so I didn't get back until around 6 a.m. That night, my uncle had to call an ambulance because my grandma said that she was too weak to even get out of the floor. My mom reassured us that this has happened before and that she may end up coming back home after a few days; she may just be dehydrated and need some more hospital time. I trusted her judgement and didn't stay, trying to get home and get enough sleep for work the next day.

At 10 a.m. on Wednesday morning, I was woken up by my sister telling me that mom called and didn't think that Mamaw would last through the day. "They should fix it. They need to fix her," was all I could say. I struggled with the desire to catch up on rest and rush out to Waco to say our last goodbyes while she was still breathing. In the end, I chose to go to sleep for a few more hours and took James to work around one that afternoon. Afterwards, Rachel and I went out for ice cream at Baskin Robbins, then went to the tattoo place so that I could get a tattoo in memory of Mamaw, who we already expected to lose.

The vast majority of Wednesday afternoon was spent at the tattoo place. I started out wanting Mamaw's heart to join with Papa's, but instead decided to get it on the opposite side of my right ankle, on the inside. Then the artist drew a preliminary sketch, cleared it with me, drew it better, and resized it, the entire time of which Rachel and I sat up front and admired the other tattoo art. After... I want to say an hour and a half... I was led back and laid down on a swivel chair that he leaned back for me on my right side so that he could tattoo the inside of my right ankle. My mom called around 6:20, and sent me a text message that stated that my grandma, My Beautiful Mamaw, passed away at 6:15 p.m. I had to pause and cry, because the inevitable, the thing that none of us wanted to actually happen but were attempting to prepare for, happened. The artist gave me a few minutes and started tattooing me again once I calmed myself. After he finished, I swung by CVS pharmacy to pick up some aquaphor and some antibacterial non-scented soap, which is actually a pain in the ass to find. Rachel and I came back home, she went to bed thirty minutes later, and I picked James up around 10 that night.

On Thursday and Friday, I went to work, but was super sad still and angry that the doctors didn't fix my grandmother, who they brought back once before and didn't feel it necessary to bring back a second time. I was sadder than usual but tried to be upbeat, even when speaking about my grandma's death; making jokes and being sarcastic is how I deal with pain. I talked to them about a mourning period and they stated that i have 3 unpaid days off, so I've taken those three days.

Saturday was James's neice's birthday party at a bounce house place, so we went there that afternoon and only stayed for about an hour and fifteen minutes because my grandma's visitation was at 6 p.m. I hauled ass to Waco at about 4:45 p.m., leaving straight from Pump It Up to drive to Waco. That drive was the most difficult, because I was already so tired and the road was trying to hypnotize me. We arrived about fifteen minutes late to the viewing, signed the book, and my mom embarrassed James by yelling at him to take his hat off from the front of the church while we were at the back. I asked her to go talk to him since he was sitting at the back of the church while we were seeing my grandma, who at that moment we still didn't believe was dead because she still looked pretty and our eyes were tricking us into believing that she was still breathing and might pop up and say "Surprise! I'm not dead!" We stayed until 9 p.m., an hour after the viewing and the time that the funeral home closed. I left a poster that I made on Friday night so that our family could see it on the day of the funeral. The rest of Saturday night was spent playing Animal Crossing and the Sims 3.

Sunday afternoon, we all woke up at noon to get ready for my grandma's funeral. My mom's friends and my cousin's family arrived at twelve thirty/one o'clock, and we all left around one/one fifteen to get to the funeral home on time. My mom's Uncle, and my grandma's brother in law, officiated the ceremony and shared memories of he and my grandma, since she was in the picture from when he was ten years old onward. We said our last goodbyes to my grandma after he was finished, making sure to grab the poster that I made so that we could bring it home, and went to the graveside service. Throughout the entire time, my poor mom was so out of it that she could barely stay awake, so I had to help her clear up some details throughout the entirety of Monday. I took a couple of flowers from the spray on top of my grandma's casket, said hello to my grandpa, who she will be buried next to, and after that we all went back to the house fondly known as Mamaw and Papa's, now my uncle's. My mom was taken to the hospital by my aunt and oldest ousin because she couldn't stand up due to being so out of it, and the rest of us went down to the river to my mom's aunt's so that we could eat food and enjoy more time with the extended family. I wasn't there long before I asked my cousin to drive us back, and I took a long nap, only waking up about ten minutes before my cousins and aunt got back from the hospital. My mom's friend brought her home later that night, and stayed with us overnight since they went to bed right when they got back. I stayed up entirely too late.

Monday was spent playing the Sims 3, animal crossing, and lounging in my PJs. I changed eventually and took James and Rachel to Cracker Barrel to eat, and went back to my grandma's to hang out with my uncle and mom for a bit longer. We left there around midnight, and made it back home by 1:30 a.m. I ended up breaking down crying at the gas station because my grandma's loss has finally hit me, harder than it did last week when I was working and trying to prepare for the funeral. I cried before falling asleep, still mourning.

Today, I am at home, attempting to heal and document what all happened so that my mind won't be as full of sorrow and sadness and bad thoughts. I'm doing good so far, loving spending the day in my pajamas and snuggling with my cat and blogging and being with my boyfriend and seeing my sister and dad. I needed a day like this; to relax and do with as I please and shape it into what I want it to be. Doing okay so far; only cried a little. Tomorrow I'm definitely going back to work, hoping to have a good day.

At the end of this week I will be picking my mom up.

During the time at my grandma's, I was sure to pick up my Grey's Anatomy season DVDs, and a few pictures, among which is her obituary.

I'll update later.

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