10/28/2014

50 Things About Me: 2014 Edition

Better late than never, right?

1) My name is - and always will be, for as long as I live - Kimbra.

2) I am book addict (I buy books before I can even finish the one I'm reading), and an avid reader.

3) I write novels, and have completed 3 so far - a fourth is on the way soon, thanks to NaNoWriMo!

4) My favorite color is purple, and my favorite color combination is purple and white.

5) I have been diagnosed with depression, and was on anti-depressants for a year and a half, but have decided that I would rather not take anti-depressants anymore. They made me too apathetic and stunted my emotions - I'm ready to feel, no matter how hard times get. So far, so good.

6) I have been with my lovely boyfriend, James, for two years now. It is a challenging and wonderful relationship full of ups and curves (no downs, just curves), and I can't wait to see where our road together takes us.

7) I have never been the type of person to think about wedding stuff, but have finally decided that I want to get married at the rennaisance festival - that would be super freakin' awesome.

8) I am a nice person, but I am not a door mat or a rug. I can, do, and will get angry if pushed, or walked on - I have a low bullshit tollerance. James actually calls me his 'big ball of anger.'

9) Despite the anger, I do try to be easy going and attempt to roll with the punches.

10) I have learned recently that I am actually good at staying level headed during chaos; it is after chaos that I have the potential to break.

11) I'm 25 years old currently, but turn 26 in December - where did the freakin' time go!?

12) By the time I'm 30, I would love to be married to my love, have a steady job, have my car paid off, be living in my own place with my love, and have a kid or two. Right now, James and I live with my mom, and I have four and a half years to pay on my car. I've got a ways to go, huh?

13) I have spent the past year and a half working roadside assistance for a rental car company, and now grade calls in the same call center for the same campaign I was working.

14) I try to live life in a way that I can look back on and think "Hmm, no regrets there." Sometimes, I fail, and that's okay; I just keep pushing forward and try again.

15) I have had the pleasure of owning five pet rats, two of which passed away recently (rest in peace Spirit and Lightning). We still have 3 little fluff balls to love on, and I try to do just that daily.

16) I still have the pleasure of owning (or do they own us?) four pet cats - Tigger, Sandy, Kitty-Kitty, and Fang.

17) I feel at home at rock concerts and anime conventions (and at home, obviously). At most other places, I feel like a fish out of water.

18) I still play video games - I'm working on completing as many of the Lego ones as I can, and have finally beaten Ni No Kuni.

19) I hate repetitive noises and sounds.

20) I'm a Huffelpuff.

21) Harry Potter is actually a huge part of my life, and the books have influenced me in more ways than I could possibly imagine.

22) I am still not religious, and actually get a bit upset when people a) act like it's a big deal, b) when they try to act like EVERYONE in the room - or world - is religious, and c) try to talk me into the fact that their religion is a good religion. Bro, I've experienced Christianity, and Judaism, and have no desire to go through either of them again or to experience anything else.

23) I do miss practicing Judaism sometimes. I miss Hannukah, and Challah bread. But I would never practice it again. I was not happy. I couldn't be myself and experience life at it's full potential.

24) Thanks to opting out of any sort of religion, my life has less restrictions. Does that mean I'm going to go apeshit and do things that are completely off the wall? No. I have a moral code, and a certain way that I think human beings should act, and try to live by those ideals.

25) I am a damn good person, and anyone who tries to tell me otherwise obviously a) doesn't know me, or b) are trying to tear me down. It won't work.

26) I cuss, a lot. To me they are just words. And No, it is not because I don't know other words in place of the cuss words. I use those, too.

27) I have an Associates of the Arts degree. I wanted to go get my Bachelors degree, but refuse until I can find a way to go back to school and remain debt free.

28) My ideal day is sleeping in until the late afternoon, lounging around the house in my pajamas, playing video games/watching Netflix/reading a book/writing while snuggling with my cat and sitting with my boyfriend/sister/mom/dad. I have very few of those days.

29) I have gotten better and keeping in contact with friends. I still have work to do, but at least I'm making myself put forth the effort.

30) About that up there... I've learned that it is almost emotionally and physically draining to keep up with people, but I love the people in my life, and they are worth the effort.

31) I am an introvert.

32) I collect - owls, magnets, books, knick knacks, stuffed animals, and pictures.

33) I make myself do things that I don't want to do; it makes me feel accomplished and fulfilled once the task is done.

34) I wish that, as humans, we can look at each other and think "Hey fellow human! You are loved!" instead of focusing on all of the things that we can judge each other for. Yes, we have differences, but can't we love each other anyway?

35) I am honest. I do not have a filter most of the time. When I censor myself, it is a sign of respect usually reserved for people who don't know me as well as some others do.

36) I'm still fucking awesome. Not, like, the act of fucking, but the adjective fucking.

37) I still spend too much time on the Internet, though I'm not as active in the internet communities as I used to be.

38) I do not watch much TV. What I watch is usually on Netflix, and if it's a new show I watch it online once the episode is posted.

39) I have to fight the urge to correct people's grammatical errors on a daily basis. Sometimes I lose and just correct them anyway.

40) I prefer going barefoot to wearing shoes, but if I have to wear shoes I prefer to wear flip flops above all else.

41) I have never been fashionable. I try to accessorize here and there, but usually I just pick the first shirt I see, first pair of pants I see (work pants or jean pants, depending on the day), and rush out the door.

42) I wear makeup rarely, and when I do it's usually just eye makeup.

43) I am a femenist. No, that does not mean I hate you. It does not mean I judge you. It just means that I think women should be equal to men in all aspects, and that women should be able to walk around at night without the fear of being abducted or harrassed.

44) I finally realized the meaning of life. In my eyes, it is to make the little slice of world you live in a better place, to help as many people as you can, and touch as many lives as you are allowed.

45) I lack a lot of patience. If there is anything that I got from my father besides my name, it's his temper.

46) I talk about past negative experiences like they are nothing. They are not nothing, but I think that avoiding them gives those negative experiences power. So I talk about them, and make fun of them, and learn from them, and move forward from them.

47) I evaluate everything in my life by this standard - if it is right, it is not going to be easy.

48) I take up over half of the bed when I sleep. Poor James has almost fallen out of bed several times.

49) My personality type is ISFJ. Maybe that might tell you more than I can about myself.

50) I have struggled with my self-worth and self-confidence through my entire life. It is thanks to therapy, and this past year or so of growth, that I am able to think anything good of myself. I am a great person, and I know that I matter, even in the grand scheme of things. I think that we can all make a difference, despite our flaws and short comings.

10/06/2014

Fuck You, Josh (You Are Genuinely A Bad Person)

A bit of backstory: We were friends for 2 1/2 years; I ended up dating my ex and staying in contact with him throughout the relationship, which lasted two months short of two years. I saw him once while my ex and I were together and he crossed a few lines which made my controlling ex uncomfortable. Once my ex and I broke up I was free to see whoever I wanted, and I went crying to Josh maybe that day, maybe the day after. I had been talking to him about how bad it was off and on but I was always too dumb to leave my ex, so this wasn't necessarily anything new; I was just free to see him. We dated right after in the following few weeks. I didn't want anything romantic; I just needed a shoulder to cry on and to feel like I was important. I needed someone, and he was there for me. A line was crossed by him. We didn't work out, and had a falling out where we didn't talk. I apologized two or three times and he always said not to worry about it, so I didn't. James and I have been watching a show called The Blacklist, and Raymond Reddington looks just like a grown up version of him. I told him so, and that brings you up to speed...

Him to me: What the fuck is this? Do you not understand what was going on between us? You flat out took advantage to me. None of that was what I wanted, none of that was consensual. I was trying to let you down easy which is more than you deserved, and you were controlling manipulative and actively ignorant toward anything you had done wrong or anything I might have wanted or not wanted, particularly sexually. You are genuinely a bad person and if you are seeking forgiveness or a reunion, not granted. Don't try to contact me again.

I didn't expect this response. I honestly expected him to ignore me like he has in the past. Obviously I didn't know how he felt but I had forgiven myself for this a long time ago and here he was confronting me about something that was no longer relevant. I won't say that he didn't have a right to feel that way, but I honestly expected it to come a lot sooner.

My public response, since I have no other way to contact him: I was just letting you know that I saw someone on a TV show that looks just like you. And actually, up until the day you sent your letter, I had forgotten a lot of what happened between us. There are some things that I was fuzzy on and was thinking about the day before you sent it.

As far as taking advantage of you and being manipulative, I can admit that I was. I am not going to pretend that I was anything different. And as far as being controlling? Yes, I am, and I've reigned that in a lot.

As far as none of it being what you wanted, and none of it being consensual... I actually went back and read all of the messages. All of them. Every single one of them. From the time I was broken up with to whenever we stopped talking. I was literally just broken up with, I was having a hard time, and every time I spoke to you it was about how I felt miserable and broken and shattered. I was a shell of a person. Then there you were; you were nice to me and you paid attention to me. What woman is not going to leap at that chance after having her heart broken? And somehow a line was crossed, and the messages indicate that it was premeditated, and the messages indicate that I actually asked you not to touch me inappropriately and not to flirt with me and not to be that kind of person toward me.

And there are apologies upon apologies upon apologies about how I was sorry that I treated you badly. So I don't know where you got the idea that I didn't care or that I actively ignored the situation. I actually apologized a lot. You said "Kimbra, was it your intention to put me on a yoyo?" I replied with "Not at all," then you responded "don't beat yourself up for doing it. You're going through a rough time and if you need me I'll be there and that's not going to change." You don't get to come back and say that I was manipulating you when you were the one who said I'll be there, just talk to me, I'll be there.

I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I will actively tell you "I'm wrong, I apologize." Whether or not you accept it is your deal. I don't know how much clearer I had to be, and I don't know how much clearer it had to be to you that what we were doing once that line got blurred form friend, and I'm here for you to lover, and I'm dating you - it was consensual, and just because someone got hurt and it wasn't me doesn't mean you can try to make it seem like I raped you. Because I didn't.

As far as not caring about what you wanted and didn't want, obviously I didn't realize that you didn't want that because we talked about it. I didn't want it either, and I already told you at the beginning that I didn't want it. I thought that's what you wanted so I caved, and I even told you that - I caved, I felt pressured, I'm sorry, back up. So if anything I feel like most of this message should be coming from me to you, and in some ironic way you're putting something I should have said to you a long time ago in your own words.

"You are genuinely a bad person." You know what I have to say to that? I have a couple of different words to say to that: Fuck. You. You don't know me, you don't know my life, you don't know how much I have changed in the past few years. You don't know how much work I have done to get to where I am in today. Anyone in my life will tell you that I am a cool person, a good person, and that I am nice and care for my friends and family. So where the fuck to you get off telling me that I'm a bad person? You haven't talked to me in over two years. You don't fucking know me. And I don't have to sit here and explain myself to you, and I don't have to sit here and apologize again for what happened. Because I've already done it several times, and you said not to worry about it.

"If you want forgiveness or a reunion, not granted." Actually, I didn't. I don't need your forgiveness because I have forgiven myself. It's in the past and I have been moving forward.

"Don't try to contact me again." Great, I won't. I'm not going to force myself on you; I have never forced myself on you so why would I start now?

See I am a little bit pissed because you knew exactly what to say to get into my head, and that hurt, and it has been with me for a full year after the fact. I showed you so many weaknesses and I showed you so many sides to me and you threw it all in my face. Granted, I give you kudos for taking care of yourself and cutting it off when you did. I wish that we would have cut it off sooner so that none of us got hurt. I just hope that you become okay, because I'm okay, and I'm done beating myself up. You've had your say, you've said it, good job. I'm moving forward, and I want you to move forward.