12/03/2014

Saddened Despite The Good

I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and a lot of good within my life. I have people who love me and allow me to love them back. I have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing friends. I wrote 50,000 words of a novel in November, and got about halfway through. I was fortunate enough to attend 3 Thanksgivings. I wake up to experience every new day despite its trials. I have a plethera of pets to love and cherish. I have an amazing boyfriend who puts me pretty damn high up on his important list of people (just under his mother), and who takes care of me and is there for me when I allow him to be. I have a therapist who checks in on me when she does not hear from me for a few months. I have a running car, and am somehow able to make insurance/car payments. I have almost seen my 25th year to the end, and am hoping that I am allowed to see my 26th to its end. I am also hoping that my 26th year is a lot better.

I am in a bad place. It is hard for me to admit, because I try to be positive and push through everything that I experience. But I am cracking, and it feels awful.

My grandmother passed away this year, followed a month later by her brother in law (her sister's husband, my great uncle), then by Soot Spirit, our rat, then by Lightening, another of our wonderful rats, then Fang, our black cat, who died two weeks ago because a person hit him with their car; they drove away like cowards. We will have to put Honey down soon - she has a huge tumor underneath her back left leg that drags the ground, she is so skinny you can feel her bones - but I just can't bring myself to let her go - she is still lively, still eating, still drinking, and she still climbs despite her tumor and gimpy leg. I know it's inevitable, and I know that it would be better to let her go, but haven't I dealt with enough death? Haven't I been through enough? I don't know how much more death I can take before I decide that I would rather not exist, either.

Thoughts like that concern me. I have thought about hurting myself and what it would be like to opt out of my life. Would I? The answer is no - I decided against that a LONG time ago, and I want to live long enough to marry James and have his children and see my grandchildren and get books published - but the morbid thoughts are haunting me. I used to be on anti-depressants but they got too expensive, I gained too much weight (over 50 pounds in a year and a half), and I hated how I felt - my emotions felt stunted and less sharp than they do now. I am an emotional human being, and I like knowing that I can be sensitive and that I care. But if I'm not happy off of the meds, and I wasn't happy on them, what else can I do for myself?

This is not a cry for help. I am just trying to get my negative thoughts and energy somewhere other than my head. I have a therapy session on the 9th, and will most likely take to going regularly again. I need the extra help; I need someone who is professionally equipped to assist me with handling my emotions.

I am not ashamed to admit that I see a therapist. She got me through a lot of shit, and helped me have a better relationship with James and my family; I owe her a lot more than I can possibly give. There is no shame in seeking help, especially if you know that your life is more you can handle. Even if it's not more than you can handle, it's always good to have someone there to talk with who is unbiased.

I am anxious about Christmas, getting the gifts I want everyone to have, and paying my insurance/car payment. Car payment is due on the 20th, and insurance will most likely be paid late as usual, or early... I haven't decided yet.

I got to see my friend Amanda today; I really missed her and was glad to be able to chill out over dinner with her.

I have very few positive day to day thoughts and things that I focus on. I am very negative lately, and just wish I could refocus my life without help. But I can't, and that is upsetting within itself.

I guess I'll try to force myself to go to bed. Tomorrow is another day, that is hopefully brighter.

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