I hate making myself vulnerable. I hate putting myself out there and being subjected to the possibility of failure. This may be why I haven’t really achieved a whole Hell of a lot. Yes, I did attend college and get my degree, but I did that as an average student; I declined joining the on-campus organization I was invited to join, and didn’t show up to walk the stage even when I sent that I opted to (some of it had to do with money – some of it had to do with sticking out like a sore thumb). In my daily life, I do what I have to go get by without attracting too much attention. I haven’t gotten a novel published like I wanted for fear of making myself vulnerable and being met with rejection. I have not even started looking for a new job even though I fucking hate my job because it takes a lot of energy and what if they don’t like me? What if I don’t represent myself the correct way during the 45 minutes that they would interview me?
I’m really bad when it comes to making myself vulnerable to people. I have been left so many times that I rarely even try to strike up new friendships. I am a nice person, but I am not friendly; I don’t talk to people that I don’t know. I hate the ‘get to know you’ phase of a new relationship or friendship; I hate the thought of making myself vulnerable for nothing. When I saw my therapist at first, I didn’t want to open up and become vulnerable in front of her; it was hard reliving things that I borderline refused to talk about in my daily life. (Edit: I have contemplated even deleting this blog and replacing it with something else as I have done before. I am trying to force myself not to.)
Despite my aversion to being vulnerable, overcoming that (during the times that I am able) has actually led to some good things. I have started new, recovered, maintained, and strengthened friendships. I have been able to have awesome sex through getting naked and sharing my body, something that makes me uncomfortable for me but with the right person turns out really well. I have been able to keep my relationship with James going. And, eventually, I will get out of my Hell-hole of a job and sell one of my brilliant novels. It just takes time, and learning how to be comfortable with vulnerability. In other words, it is extremely worth it and fullfulling if you just give vulnerability a shot.