10/06/2014

Fuck You, Josh (You Are Genuinely A Bad Person)

A bit of backstory: We were friends for 2 1/2 years; I ended up dating my ex and staying in contact with him throughout the relationship, which lasted two months short of two years. I saw him once while my ex and I were together and he crossed a few lines which made my controlling ex uncomfortable. Once my ex and I broke up I was free to see whoever I wanted, and I went crying to Josh maybe that day, maybe the day after. I had been talking to him about how bad it was off and on but I was always too dumb to leave my ex, so this wasn't necessarily anything new; I was just free to see him. We dated right after in the following few weeks. I didn't want anything romantic; I just needed a shoulder to cry on and to feel like I was important. I needed someone, and he was there for me. A line was crossed by him. We didn't work out, and had a falling out where we didn't talk. I apologized two or three times and he always said not to worry about it, so I didn't. James and I have been watching a show called The Blacklist, and Raymond Reddington looks just like a grown up version of him. I told him so, and that brings you up to speed...

Him to me: What the fuck is this? Do you not understand what was going on between us? You flat out took advantage to me. None of that was what I wanted, none of that was consensual. I was trying to let you down easy which is more than you deserved, and you were controlling manipulative and actively ignorant toward anything you had done wrong or anything I might have wanted or not wanted, particularly sexually. You are genuinely a bad person and if you are seeking forgiveness or a reunion, not granted. Don't try to contact me again.

I didn't expect this response. I honestly expected him to ignore me like he has in the past. Obviously I didn't know how he felt but I had forgiven myself for this a long time ago and here he was confronting me about something that was no longer relevant. I won't say that he didn't have a right to feel that way, but I honestly expected it to come a lot sooner.

My public response, since I have no other way to contact him: I was just letting you know that I saw someone on a TV show that looks just like you. And actually, up until the day you sent your letter, I had forgotten a lot of what happened between us. There are some things that I was fuzzy on and was thinking about the day before you sent it.

As far as taking advantage of you and being manipulative, I can admit that I was. I am not going to pretend that I was anything different. And as far as being controlling? Yes, I am, and I've reigned that in a lot.

As far as none of it being what you wanted, and none of it being consensual... I actually went back and read all of the messages. All of them. Every single one of them. From the time I was broken up with to whenever we stopped talking. I was literally just broken up with, I was having a hard time, and every time I spoke to you it was about how I felt miserable and broken and shattered. I was a shell of a person. Then there you were; you were nice to me and you paid attention to me. What woman is not going to leap at that chance after having her heart broken? And somehow a line was crossed, and the messages indicate that it was premeditated, and the messages indicate that I actually asked you not to touch me inappropriately and not to flirt with me and not to be that kind of person toward me.

And there are apologies upon apologies upon apologies about how I was sorry that I treated you badly. So I don't know where you got the idea that I didn't care or that I actively ignored the situation. I actually apologized a lot. You said "Kimbra, was it your intention to put me on a yoyo?" I replied with "Not at all," then you responded "don't beat yourself up for doing it. You're going through a rough time and if you need me I'll be there and that's not going to change." You don't get to come back and say that I was manipulating you when you were the one who said I'll be there, just talk to me, I'll be there.

I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I will actively tell you "I'm wrong, I apologize." Whether or not you accept it is your deal. I don't know how much clearer I had to be, and I don't know how much clearer it had to be to you that what we were doing once that line got blurred form friend, and I'm here for you to lover, and I'm dating you - it was consensual, and just because someone got hurt and it wasn't me doesn't mean you can try to make it seem like I raped you. Because I didn't.

As far as not caring about what you wanted and didn't want, obviously I didn't realize that you didn't want that because we talked about it. I didn't want it either, and I already told you at the beginning that I didn't want it. I thought that's what you wanted so I caved, and I even told you that - I caved, I felt pressured, I'm sorry, back up. So if anything I feel like most of this message should be coming from me to you, and in some ironic way you're putting something I should have said to you a long time ago in your own words.

"You are genuinely a bad person." You know what I have to say to that? I have a couple of different words to say to that: Fuck. You. You don't know me, you don't know my life, you don't know how much I have changed in the past few years. You don't know how much work I have done to get to where I am in today. Anyone in my life will tell you that I am a cool person, a good person, and that I am nice and care for my friends and family. So where the fuck to you get off telling me that I'm a bad person? You haven't talked to me in over two years. You don't fucking know me. And I don't have to sit here and explain myself to you, and I don't have to sit here and apologize again for what happened. Because I've already done it several times, and you said not to worry about it.

"If you want forgiveness or a reunion, not granted." Actually, I didn't. I don't need your forgiveness because I have forgiven myself. It's in the past and I have been moving forward.

"Don't try to contact me again." Great, I won't. I'm not going to force myself on you; I have never forced myself on you so why would I start now?

See I am a little bit pissed because you knew exactly what to say to get into my head, and that hurt, and it has been with me for a full year after the fact. I showed you so many weaknesses and I showed you so many sides to me and you threw it all in my face. Granted, I give you kudos for taking care of yourself and cutting it off when you did. I wish that we would have cut it off sooner so that none of us got hurt. I just hope that you become okay, because I'm okay, and I'm done beating myself up. You've had your say, you've said it, good job. I'm moving forward, and I want you to move forward.

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